As I stand in the doorway of 2011...I wonder whats on the other side. This year feels different. I feel different. I know that I am about to step into a new season. A new beginning. I feel scared and excited. But mostly...I feel a new passion. A passion to serve God like never before. To be all that I can be. Like it talks about in Psalm 42, my heart truly thirsts for God. And if you have ever been truly thirsty, you will know the desperation that that brings.
Its New Years Eve. A time to reflect back over the last 12 months. And also to think about what 2011 may bring. When I started this blog...I wanted to go on an adventure and turn around "365 degrees". To see more of what is out there. But to simply turn 365 degrees can mean that, by the end, you may have seen more, but you may still be the same size. But...after only 4 months, I have realised that I will never be the same size again.
It makes me think about a message that I heard recently about being a puzzle piece. About how we are each an important and unique piece, which without us, the big picture would never be completed. But that also, through the big picture, we find our place. Our purpose. Where we fit.
As I look back over my last 12 months...actually over my last 10 years...I feel like I knew exactly where I fit. My puzzle piece was in its place, and I knew my purpose. I was content. But 2010 was a life changing year. It felt like...I stepped out of my puzzle. Just to look around. To see what else was out there. But in the process...I changed. I feel deeper in love with God. My desire to serve Him in whatever He called me to grew. My faith deepened. I fell in love and had my heart broken. I went to Africa and had my heart, mind and perspective changed forever. I am more passionate to see my friends and family saved and living free. My desire to be married and have a family, to impact my next generation, grew. I still love Australia. Still love my job. Love my church and friends at home. But I feel like I am not the same shape any more. I am bigger. Deeper. Altered forever. And now I am not sure if I will just "fit" back into my old puzzle anymore.
So...as I look forward to 2011, I realise that my journey will now also be about discovering where I fit. Maybe its finding a new puzzle. Ending up somewhere that I never expected, but living out my potential in a whole new way. Realising that my new desires, dreams, passions, stretch and even the desert times were for "such a time as this". Or maybe it will be about going back to my old puzzle, but enlarging my space there. Going back to where I loved, but making a bigger impact. I don't know.
So...standing in the doorway to 2011...I wait. I feel like I want to step through and serve God like never before. However I am thankful that God doesn't see me as His servant. He sees me as His daughter. Which means that He is filled with love, dreams, plans and blessings for me. So no matter where I fit, and whats on the other side of the doorway...I know that it will be better than whats behind me. That the best is yet to come in my life. And I pray that 2011 is filled with God's best. For me...and for you. Happy New Year.
So my facebook status today reflected something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about all night. I have been (stupidly!!) doing the Insanity workout DVDs...everyday for 4 weeks. Thank you, thank you...I shall take a bow! They are so intense that I literally think my heart is about to come out my chest. Today Shaun T, the very attractive instructor, says in the middle of the killer workout "I don't want to hurt you...I just want to make you better". And as I then wrote in my status...I realise that sometimes God says the same thing to me.
When I was at university, I had to have an operation near my tailbone. It was because there was a deep infection in there that wouldn't heal. On the surface, you couldn't really see that it was infected...but it was deep and painful. I had to have surgery and get it all cut out...but the interesting thing was that for this type of wound, the doctor didn't stitch it closed. I needed to get it packed so that it could heal properly from the inside out.
There are times in our lives where we get "sick" deep inside. Maybe its unforgiveness. Maybe its jealously. Maybe its loneliness. Maybe its bitterness. But something deep inside of us is painful and just won't heal. We can keep smiling and act like we are ok, but we carry it with us and it grows and grows.
So...sometimes God needs to get that infection out. And it can be a painful process. It can hurt as we are forced to deal with our issues. Face our past. Choose to let things go. But like Shaun said - its not designed to hurt us, but to make us better. Sometimes just stitching up or putting a band-aid on the surface won't fix it...you need to go through a painful process in order to get fully healed.
I once heard a great message talking about buildings. The preacher talked about how if you build a building...but half way through you notice the building is on a lean, you cant just change direction and start building it the other way. Unfortunately you need to knock the building down and go back to the foundations in order to rebuild it properly. The knockdown process hurts. And can be humbling. And defeating. But there is not point trying to ignore it and just keep building, because eventually everything will collapse and fall down. The foundation has to be strong. And often it is...but somewhere along the line we get distracted and maybe stop looking at the Architect's plans, and we get a lean happening. So...it's time to scrape it all away and get back to the foundations, and start again.
These growth times in our lives really can hurt, as we are forced to stretch past whats comfortable. But like a rubber band...after you stretch it, it actually never goes back to the same size. It becomes that little bit bigger. That's like us. If you can make it through the painful stretch times, you will find on the other side that you are bigger and better.
So I was reading Genesis 16 and 17 last night, about one of my fav's...Abraham. Genesis 16 is all about how Abraham (at that stage still called Abram) and Sarah doubt God's promise, and get impatient with His timing, so take things into their own hands and have a baby through Hagar, the servant. This chapter ends with "Abram was 86 years old when Hagar gave birth to their son, and he named him Ishmael".
Chapter 17 then starts "Abram was 99 years old when the Lord appeared to him again and said 'I am God All-Powerful. If you obey me and always do right, I will keep my solemn promise to you and give you more descendants than can be counted". Wait a minute...that means 13 years went by!! 13 long years!! 13 years before the Lord appeared to Abram again...wow.
It reminded me again of the danger of when we take things into our own hands. Sarah and Abram rushed before God impatiently, had a baby to another woman...and it all ended in a mess. But on top of that...it sounds like God didnt then appear to Abram for 13 years!! I sometimes get impatient if I dont feel like I have heard from God for a week...but 13 years?
When we rush ahead and dont trust Gods timing and plan, we run the risk of making things take longer than they were supposed to. I guess we will never know whether they could have had their baby sooner had they waited on God. But I do think that they spent the long season in silence...which would have made the waiting seem a heck of a lot longer!!
I am an impatient person. I have dreams and desires in my heart that I want to happen NOW. It seems so easy to run ahead of God and try to figure things out on my own. Put my own plans into play. But the thought of spending 13 years without hearing from God...so not worth it. Besides...my plans would never work out as amazing as God's anyways...so whats the point.
On another note, I am also thankful when I read these chapters that God is a God of second chances. Yep, they stuffed up. But that didnt disqualify them from God's promise. He gave them a second chance, and then blessed them more than they could ever imagine.
When it comes to impatience...I know all about it. But just wait. Wait for what God has for you. If you rush ahead, you actually run the risk of having to wait longer for God's promises in your life. Or worse...silence! Yes you can have a second chance...but isnt it better to just enjoy the first, perfectly planned and timed chance...
My beautiful friend Khim shared this story with me...and I loved it so much I wanted to share it with those in my world. So enjoy...
A man was sleeping at night in
his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared.
The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large
rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push
against the rock with all his might.
So, this the man did, day after
day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set
squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock,
pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin
sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: “you have
been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.”
Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and
that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the
man. “Why kill myself over this?” he thought! “I’ll just put in my time,
giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.”And that
is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter
of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
“Lord,” he said, “I have labored
long and hard in your service, using all my strength to do that which
you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that
rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?” The Lord
responded compassionately,”My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and
you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock
with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention
to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now
you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed.
But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and
muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from
constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. Now, my friend, I will now move the rock.”
At times, when we hear a word
from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants,
when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in
Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know
that it is still God who moves mountains.
"Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push
me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At
first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three
times I did that, and then he told me "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once
I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the
handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's
strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and
with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse,
accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so
the weaker I get, the stronger I become" 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (Message)
OK...now seriously...who SAYS that? Who seriously loves the hard times that come into their life...let alone faces them with good cheer? Well, I used to think that was impossible. But actually...now...I think it is possible. OK, maybe the 'good cheer' bit is a stretch, but my attitude towards hard times has changed over the last year.
In fact, right now I am going through a hard time. Typical case of heartbreak. If you have been there (and I would love to meet someone who hasn't!) I am sure you can relate to the feeling. That ache in your heart that you can't shake. The sick feeling. The inability to get out of bed. Yep...it would definitely be in the category of crappy times. Like it says above...it feels like Satan is trying to push you over and squash you down.
But...I think I am finally in a place with God where I allow the tough times not to push me over, but instead push me onto my knees and closer to God. Don't get me wrong...the pain is still there. And it hurts. But knowing that its probably these times more than any other that sends me running to my Father. Knowing that I never push into Him as much, depend on Him as much, cling to Him as much as I do during these times...is very powerful. Because it's there that you can truly feel His peace and comfort and stillness, even in the midst of the pain. You can even feel joy, which took me a long time to comprehend. Because, as I may have written before, joy is not the same as happiness. For me, joy is sensing God and his peace and love deep on the inside, even right in the middle of sadness.
I think that Paul was right in Corinthians. I think sometimes, as agonizing as the painful times are...they can be a gift. Because you can never sense God's peace, unless you first feel turmoil. You can never sense His comfort, unless you first feel sorrow. You can never feel His presence, unless you first feel loneliness. You can never feel His strength, unless you first feel empty and weak.
I may not go as far as saying I look cheerfully towards crappy times. I would certainly like to keep them to a minimum in my life! But...they do allow you to experience a depth with God like no other time. I hate what I feel right now...but at the same time, I love how close I feel to God. I love knowing that He is with me during this time. That he hasn't left me. That He is with me every step of the way through this journey.
If you are going though a hard time right now, don't run from God. Yes....you can feel angry with Him. Yell at Him if you need to. But I challenge you to push into Him like you never have before. Give Him all the pain and sorrow and heartache and fear you feel, and allow him to replace them with His peace, strength, love and joy. The circumstances may not change...and there will still be times where your heart still feels like it could explode with pain...but He can take much of the sorrow from you. Trust me...I am speaking from experience! Try it...I dare you...
Is the ability to love unconditionally just something that happens when you meet the right person, or is it something that you need to grow in? Maybe its just cause I am human...or maybe I just suck at it...but I really think this is an area I need to grow in, and I am not sure how! And I don't know if I am the only person in the whole world that feels like this...
I mean, I know we are all selfish. I certainly am. Its easy to feel like the whole world should exist to make ME happy. And I fight so hard not to be like that. I want to desperately care for others' needs more than my own. I want to desperately give to others all that I have, if it will make them happy. I want to desperately love everyone that crosses my path, although that certainly can be a challenge. But loving unconditionally...that's huge. And I am scared I don't know how to do that!?
If I meet someone amazing...I feel like I can always find little things about them that should be changed. Now...sometimes thats ok, because I also want people in my world who love me to be able to help me grow and become a better person in areas that I need it. But it can so easily cross the line into nagging them to death. And...nagging is actually something that the bible repeatedly talks about!! The amount of times in Proverbs that it talks about how bad nagging is is amazing to me. Although...I guess this means that God knew it was a problem (sadly, mostly for woman!!), even 2000+ years ago. If I have learnt anything...its that nagging doesnt work. It can be incredibly destructive to a relationship. So...there has to be a better way.
Imagine a relationship where both people love the other person unconditionally. If both people spend their lives putting their needs to the side, in order to love and bless and please the other person...surely both people win!? If a husband (no stereotype meant) goes out of his way to put the rubbish out, even if he doesn't feel like it, because he knows it will please his wife...then she wont need to nag him. If a wife allows her husband to watch sport on a Saturday afternoon, and even sits down and watches it with him, even if she doesn't really want to, and makes the effort to enjoy it...I wonder if the love will just naturally start to grow between them more and more?
So what can I do people? How can I learn to love unconditionally? Is it some magic thing that just happens when I meet Mr Right? Or...maybe its something I need to keep practicing everyday. From NOW. I suspect its not an instant thing. I think, like anything, its something that takes practice. Really learning to be that living sacrifice and put my needs/wants/opinions to the side, and put someone else's first. Accept that noone is perfect (CERTAINLY not me) and therefore, just as Christ chose to love me with all my faults...learn to look beyond the superficial imperfections and love the depth of the person inside. Choose not to point out someone else's mistakes, but encourage them instead. And keep seeing the potential in them. Actually go out of my way to do things that I don't really want to do, because it will make someone else happy.
Unconditional love is hard. But all good relationships (especially marriages) need it to be at the centre of the relationship. So...I guess I better start practicing now...
So...I found this in my email today. I think it is a blog from Joyce Meyer...but I loved it so much I wanted to put it here for others to read. So...Enjoy!
"I've learned something in my own pursuit of a stress-free life: If I want peace rather than the pressure of stress in my life, I must choose to seek direction from God in every situation. Our God is a God of peace. He'll always lead us toward peace and joy, not anxiety and frustration. Therefore, we have to be listening for His voice. By following His voice, we can find peace and overcome the stress that so many are dealing with today.
To find peace in our lives, we simply need to obey the promptings God gives us each day. A prompting is a "knowing" deep down on the inside, telling us what to do. First Kings 19:11,12 refers to this knowing as a still, small voice. A prompting isn't a whack on the head with a hammer! In 1 Kings, the Lord didn't use the great and strong wind, the earthquake or fire to prompt Elijah. His voice came to Elijah as a sound of gentle stillness and a still, small voice. A prompting doesn't even have to be a voice at all. In fact, God often gives direction by speaking to your heart rather than to your ears.
Since a prompting is very gentle, some might question whether or not it's from God. When you're unsure about a prompting, it's often easy to ignore it. One time after I had been shopping at the mall for three or four hours, I sensed that God was saying, "You need to go home now." I had only purchased half of the eight items on my shopping list, so I ignored the prompting and kept on shopping.
The remaining items on my list weren't immediate needs. But, like many determined, goal-oriented people, I wasn't about to leave that mall until I purchased every item on my list. I had come for eight items, and I was going to leave with eight items! I didn't care if I had to be dragged out of that mall; I wasn't leaving until every item was crossed off my list! And I wasn't going to listen to any voice that said otherwise.
I remember reaching the point of being so tired and upset that I wasn't able to think clearly. All I wanted to do was finish shopping and get out of there. It was almost more than I could do to remain civil to the other shoppers and clerks in the store. I was stressed out!
Looking back, I can't remember how many times I've done that-stress out because I've pushed beyond the prompting of the Lord. I can always tell I've gone too far when I'm not able to practice even the most basic manners-politeness, kindness and self-control. If I simply had obeyed the prompting of the Lord when I heard that still, small voice telling me to go home, I would've easily relieved the stress from the situation. Instead, I pushed my way through in my own determination to achieve my goal, and I ended up bringing stress on myself and everyone around me.
If we'll simply learn to listen to God and do what He says, we'll discover that things will go well for us. No matter what the situation, we need to listen to God and obey His voice. Proverbs 3:6 states: In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. You may not understand the reasons that God is asking you to do certain things, but as you listen to His voice and obey His direction, you can experience a peaceful calmness as your stress level begins to decrease. So listen up...and de-stress!"
I was listening to a message by Joyce Meyer today (www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/Broadcast/ ...totally recommend her website, if you dont already watch her!!) and in one of her messages she talked about the Israelites in the wilderness. She said that all of the time spent in the wilderness was to train or teach them in warfare, and to allow them to get to know who they were and who God was. So that by the time they arrived at their destination...they were ready.
And it made me think...do I see my time in the wilderness as having any purpose, or do I just see it as killing time between places/circumstances? People talk about doors closing and other doors opening...but not many people talk about the corridor time in between.
If you feel like you are in a bit of a wilderness season...when you are waiting for the next door to open so you can get out of this corridor...stop for a second and ask yourself what God might be trying to teach you. These seasons can be so vital to teach you character skills that you need when you reach the other end of this journey.
If you are being trained in warfare, then you would need to wear some protective gear. And I think that often the lessons He is teaching us is how to put on that armour. In Ephesians 6: 14-17 it talks about the Armour of God, which involves Truth, Righteousness, Readiness, Peace, Faith, Salvation and the Word of God. I think that during my times of Wilderness...these are always areas that I need to grow in. Learning to recognize the Truth from my emotions, doubts or little lies the devil whispers in my ear. Remembering how to remain righteousness during times of conflict. Always staying flexible and willing, ready for all that God may bring into my life. Seeking God's peace to calm the storms inside of me. Having Faith in Gods plan and timing even though it can feel like I have been in the wilderness FOREVER. Remembering all that I deserve, but knowing that I don't have to face my punishment because Jesus saved me and chose to take it all. And the Word of God...which I need to keep turning to during the wilderness times, as it is how God can speak to me and teach me.
During tough or wilderness times, there are often 2 reactions. Some people choose to get angry at God. Get impatient. Get bitter. Get tired and stay in bed, feeling sorry for themselves. Grumble and go and seek other options. Whilst others react by pushing into God. They spend time praying, reading, listening to messages, and worshiping even when they don't feel like it. They choose to use the tough times as a way of pushing closer to God, and allowing Him to teach and grow them. Which way do you react?
The tough times are not mistakes. God didnt forget about you whilst He was off blessing someone else. They can actually be critical times in your life where, if you allow Him, God can train you and prepare you for whats ahead. You may not be able to control all the situations in your life, but you can choose to control how you react to them. You can use the wilderness times as simply a way of killing time...or you can use them to grow and become a better person, ready for what lies ahead.
Sometimes...ok, alot of the time, we get impatient with God. We want something...whether its a good paying job, a new house, a husband, or a baby. We want it, and we know as Christians that God wants to bless us. However, often we let our impatience cause us to settle. Instead of waiting for God's promise in His perfect timing, we take things into our own hands and, like Abraham's wife Sarah, we settle for the slave woman Hagar.
Sarah knew that God had promised her her own baby. The dream and desire of her heart. But Sarah, instead of focusing on God and His promise, chose to focus on her circumstances. Her age. She let her emotions be higher than her faith, and she let herself be convinced that having her own baby wasn't possible. It says in Genesis 18:12 that Sarah overhead the Lord tell Abraham that in a years time she was going to have a child...and what did she do? She laughed and doubted that she could have such happiness. Maybe we often settle for less than God's best because we too don't believe that we will be given such happiness. Maybe we settle for what comes along first, and instead of waiting on God and trusting His timing and His blessing, we panic and think we should just settle for what we can see in the immediate.
Now there is a difference between being far too fussy or refusing to even look at what's in front of you because you are waiting for "something better to come along". But when you are believing for something...you must decide how you act during this time of waiting. Do you start to panic and look around at other options? Do you try to take things into your own hands? Don't wait for Gods timing but instead rush into something without having true peace about it? Are you inevitably trying to have your baby through a slave woman like Sarah did, rather than being patient and waiting on God.
I think it was Joyce Meyer who once said that Patience isn't waiting. Patience is how you act WHILE you are waiting. If you are grumbling, complaining, panicking or looking for other options while you wait...you actually aren't being patient. Patience means...allowing God to bring His promises and blessing into your life in His perfect timing, rather than settling for the slave woman.
If you make a choice...God can always bless it and bring out the best in it. God didn't forget about Ishmael, the slave woman's son. But it wasn't His best for Sarah. As for me...I want to wait for God's best. Which sometimes means saying no to the wrong options, as great as they may seem. It means clinging on to your faith in God, when things feel tough or dry or confusing. Staying patient and choosing not to look at your circumstances. Keeping your eyes on God's plan. And not letting your thoughts or emotions get so overwhelming that you cant hear God in the chaos of your mind/life.
When it feels like there are a hundred options in front of you, but you don't know which one is right? When you don't know what the next step is? When you can't see past today?
We all have seasons in our life when we feel confusion and anxiety about the future. Sometimes it comes when there has been huge change in our lives. Or at other times it comes when life feels like it has been the same for SO long and you are desperate for change.
My season in Africa has ended...for now. It was an adventure that completely changed my life and who I am. I can honestly say that I have never felt so free and at peace with myself than I did being in that country. Its impossible to explain, but after having your heart stretched and rearranged; your eyes opened and priorities changed...I just felt like the real me for the first time.
But...now I have left Africa, and after a whirlwind visit back home to Sydney...I have arrived in the USA. And so now the next part of my journey continues. But...I dont really know where this journey is going to take me. I dont know for how long I want to stay in the USA. Or whether I want to go back to Africa. Or whether I go home. I dont know what the next step is. And that can feel pretty scary and overwhelming. But I was reminded today that this isn't just a geographical journey for me. Its more about a journey of trust and faith.
I recently reread a great book called The Shack. In it the man character is challenged about where most humans spend their thoughts...which of course is in the future and the past. We very rarely truly live in the present. We miss so much beauty in the today, by worrying about what is to come, or reflecting (or blaming) on what was. Maybe sometimes God gives us seasons where He doesnt tell us what tomorrow will bring. He doesnt yet reveal His plans. He doesnt give us all the answers. I believe that this may mean that, as well as then having to trust Him with our tomorrows, it should allow us to relax and simply enjoy our today. I really want to learn to do what it says in the scriptures about not worrying what tomorrow will bring, as tomorrow will take care of itself. And also where it talks about how worrying doesnt add a single thing to my life. Anxiety and worry is just a tool that the devil uses to make us take our eyes off God. When we worry, we are pretty much saying to God that we don't think He is able to help or manage our situation/concerns. Which we know is crazy, because the bible tells us that nothing is impossible for God.
So...if you are trying to figure out the next step in your life, just stop for a moment. As Ps Brian once said - if you are confused about a decision, then maybe its not the best time to make that decision. So stop worrying or over-analysing (yes, definitely talking to the girls there!). Pray. Trust that at the right time God will give you peace or lack of it, in order to open or close a door. His timing is perfect. He hasn't forgotten you. And He's not sitting around frantically trying to work out what to do because this was unexpected to him. Trust him. And then enjoy the moment. Stop and look around at whats in your hands/life right now. Don't miss it because you are worrying about the future. The future will arrive just at the right time. And if you seek His will and plans, you can be guaranteed you will end up on the right track. Without any of that pesky worry stealing your precious beauty sleep...
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" NIV Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen from God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go. He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume you know it all". The Message
"With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment. Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow" CEV.
Which ever way you say it, God asks us to trust Him. Life isn't always easy. We will regularly be faced with challenges, fears, anxiety, conflict. Sometimes it becomes a spiritual attack, where the devil throws everything at you all at once. You can feel tired and confused and overwhelmed and attacked and alone and...like you are going crazy.
But God asks us to trust him. We need to trust Him with all of our heart. Which means...trust that He knows our desires, our fears, our dreams, our wishes, our plans and our motives. He knows everything about us. So we need to get to a place where we can leave all those things in His hands. We cant trust Him with some of our heart and keep somethings to ourselves to be anxious about. No, it means trusting Him with the little and the big things! And sometimes...the little things are harder to do that with. They seem so small and insignificant to others that you doubt God would care. But if they are important to you, then trust that they are important to God too. So hand him your desires, plans, fears and the desperate cry in your heart. Trust that He hears you. And trust that He cares about you, enough to have made a wonderful plan for your life.
Dont rely on your understanding. As much as we think we know about a situation, we will never see the big picture. We cant truly understand someone else's motives, desires, and the bigger life plan that is happening. We have to learn not to see a small piece of the picture, and presume we know what the whole picture looks like. We don't. That why we need faith. To realise that God sees everything. And he is making decisions that are best for everyone, and not just what you want. You have to know that if He closes a door, then it means that down that corridor there was something that wasn't right for you. And if He opens a door, even one you dont want to walk through, if you step through it in faith, down the track you will see exactly why the door opened and you will be so thankful. That's what God promises. He works behind the scenes, in ways our brains can't comprehend. So Trust him. And DON'T overanalyse and try to figure out everything in your brain. Its impossible. And all you will do is get more stressed and still not have all the answers!!
Listen for God's voice and let Him lead you. If you are stressed and trying to figure out everything on your own, you actually don't make room in your brain for God's voice. It would be like being in a crowded room, and trying to listen to someone whisper on the other side of the room. Its impossible. I think God speaks to us in a "small, quiet voice" because He needs us to stop and lean closer into Him. Sure, sometimes if we are stubborn and aren't listening, He comes and bops us on the head to get our attention. But I think if we can learn to quiet our mind and heart, and lean into God, He will always lead us. Which would save us a lot of headaches! God wants to speak to us. He wants to guide us and show us the best way. Sometimes, yes, He is quiet. This may be because you have been disobedient, and you need to deal with that issue first and get yourself right with God. Or it may be because God wants to develop in you a passionate, desperate need for Him and to hear from Him. But keep listening for God's voice. You may hear it through reading His word. From spending quiet time with Him and listening to what He drops into your spirit. Or it may come through someone else speaking to you. But if you spend more time listening out for God than you do analysing your problem and trying to solve it yourself...then you know you will get on the right path sooner!
He will clear the road ahead and keep you on track. I truly believe that if you keep God's will at the centre of what you want; if you desire His will more than anything selfish...no matter what decision you make, He will keep you on track. He will either bless you if you are heading in the right decision. Or He will block you if not, until you eventually get on the right path. I learnt that recently in my own life. When I was walking down a track purely because I thought He wanted me to be there, but it was the wrong path! However God saw that the cry of my heart was to live out His plan and will for my life, so therefore why would He leave me to walk the wrong way!? No, He closed the door and forced me to reroute...and He put me on the right road. I just had to allow Him to reroute me, without knowing where the new path was! Thats part of the trust journey.
God knows whats best for us. He sees the big picture. He weighs up our desires and our wishes with whats best for us. He makes decisions that are best for us. Sometimes we may not think that at the time, but keep trusting Him, and in my experience, eventually it all makes sense. And don't let your mind and heart be filled with worry. Its simply a waste of emotion, and makes it harder to hear from God. Trust that whatever happens, is because God loves you and He will make it work out for the best.
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions [requests] and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life "Phil 4: 6-7 Message
So today I met Gimbo. After 7 years of sponsoring her through Compassion, I finally had the privilege of meeting her here in Uganda. And it became very clear how naive I had been. I guess I just imagined for those 7 years that she was sitting in her little house with her family (ok, so I really thought it was a hut but I didnt want to seem TOO stereotypical!), being nicely supported by the money I was able to give her, writing me letters, and all good in the world. Wow. Today her story broke my heart, and was then healed with pride and love for her. I learnt that her mother and grandmother both died recently. Which sadly often in Uganda can mean the end of the family. Sometimes the dad goes and gets another wife, and the children are split up between family or abandoned. With Gimbo...noone in her family wants her. And even just writing that brings an ache to my heart. She doesn't know where her siblings are or when she will see them again. Thankfully...she lives in a boarding school, however I am not sure that any fees get paid for her. Not even what I give her can cover them all. The only new clothes she gets comes from the money that I send her for Christmas and her birthday, because usually the family provides them. She doesn't even always have books for school, toothpaste, or a meal other than the beans she gets every day. And I hate beans...so that broke my heart even more! However...when she smiled...to me she was the most beautiful young woman I had ever seen. She still had such a sense of joy and peace and hope about her. She was kind and gracious and giving. We went to see a widow, who has taken Gimbo under her wing. I gave Gimbo some gifts and groceries that I had bought for her for school. And the first thing she did was to take half the food and give it to this widow. I have everything I need in the world. Plus more. And she essentially has nothing. Yet she gives so freely and generously from the little that I gave her.
Uganda has changed me forever. I knew it would...but today really changed my heart. What do I find my joy in? Things? Money? Or Love. What do I do with what I have in my life? Use it selfishly? Or give it away freely. I think slowly...I am becoming the latter. Hopefully. Money will never own me again. It cant bring you the joy and peace and hope and love that I sensed today. More than ever...I want to be a vessel for what God brings into my life. A pipe...where things flow out of my life and into others, as quickly as God pours blessing into my life. I want to do more. I want to save them all. Every child that runs up to this Mzungu...I want to change their life too. I want to love and be a mum to all the babies who have been abandoned. I want to be God's hands and feet. But...I can't do it all. But I can do something. I can keep loving and giving into this one girl's life. Pray that she finishes her studies, and becomes an accountant, like she dreams. That she can then support herself, and then, knowing her generous heart...I am sure that she in turn will support others. Maybe if I just allow my heart to deepen with compassion, and grow even more in love with her (although I am not sure that's possible)...then eventually the love filters down to many others. God's love. And through His love...many lives can be changed.
"What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge? And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing, unless I loved others. What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burnt alive? I would gain nothing, unless I loved others." 1 Corinthians 13: 2-3
"What happened to those wise people? What happened to the ones who think that they have all the answers? Didn't God show that the wisdom of the world is foolish? God was wise and decided not to let the people of this world use their wisdom to learn about him. Instead, God chose to save only those who believe the foolish message we preach" 1 Corinthians 1:20-21(CEV)
This is an interesting verse to me. Initially I was like...why DOESN'T God just give us all the answers. Give us all His wisdom...if He loved us surely He would. But then I realised that then we wouldn't need faith. Faith is only needed BECAUSE we don't have all the answers. And if everything about God made logical sense, then we also wouldn't really need a lot of faith...it would just come easy to trust.
If we knew everything, we wouldn't need faith. If we never experienced any trouble, then we wouldn't get to experience His overcoming. If we never felt broken, we wouldn't ever get to experience Him making us whole. If we have everything, then we wouldn't learn to appreciate what we do have. If God never corrects or disciplines us, we would never grow or realise how much He loves us. If God gave us all His power, we would never learn to depend on Him.
I don't have many answers. I realise that now more than ever being in a Third World country. I don't get how some people, who love God, can live in a slum. Yet also be happy and content. I don't understand how the preachers here can preach about hope and God's blessing to people who have nothing. Yet the people have faith. It is such testimony to the fact that on the surface; if you just looked at the situation from the "world's" perspective...of course it doesn't make sense. Its foolish. But that is why we chose to put our faith in what seems crazy...because that's what faith is all about. And God sees that. And blesses that. And in my experience...He has NEVER let me down.
Well its 9am on a warm Ugandan morning. I am watching the chickens and massive roosters roam around our garden. The roosters are a little confused, as they wake me up crowing between 230am and 430am most mornings! I can see the beautiful, luscious green hills in the background…and I think I am starting to feel settled in Uganda after a week.
It took me 36 looooong hours to get to Uganda from Sydney, mostly due to the 9 hours at Jo’berg and 7 hours at Kenya airports! Trust me…there is only SO much duty free shopping one girl can do. Plus…it didn’t feel right to be purchasing African souvenirs when all I had actually seen of Africa was the airports!! But at 430pm on Monday…I landed in Uganda. Travelling from the airport to the apartment…it finally hit me that I was in Africa! The 45min drive gave me my first precious glance into the world of Uganda…from rich to slum housing, thousands of road side businesses selling everything you can imagine, women balancing groceries and pots on their heads, and men balancing 3 bed frames on a single pushbike! It was awesome.
So, now that I have been here a week…here is a summary of Ugandan life:
Ugandan People
They are beautiful, inside and out. Initially they can come across as a little guarded, but I have found that as soon as you say hello, then this warm smile appears and they are very friendly. Of course you get stared at a lot when walking around the streets and called Mzungu (white person), but it’s simply out of curiosity (and possibly because I am the whitest person on the face of the planet!) so I just smile at them and say hello. In terms of feeling safe, our apartment is gated and has a security man, and you get all your bags checked and you are metal detected before going into any shopping centres or restaurants, because of the recent bombings and upcoming elections. There are armed security and police everywhere, so I actually feel pretty safe.
Traffic
It is possibly the craziest thing I have ever witnessed…it truly gives Europe and the Arc de Triumph a run for its money! From what I can gauge…there is minimal use of lanes and no concept of “right of way” with cars squeezing into the smallest gaps to push in I have ever seen, especially on roundabouts! The boda-boda motorcycles here act as taxis, and they are INSANE! I can honestly see why they are one of the main reasons for hospital admissions…simply craziest drivers I have known, and I would NOT be passing their driving test, that’s for sure!! I am also learning the art of crossing roads here. I was standing there forever waiting for a break in the traffic (no such thing as zebra crossings here!) until I noticed the Ugandan people simply walking up and stepping into the traffic and forcing the cars to stop. I am TOTALLY not that brave yet, but I try and jump behind them and follow them! Or sometimes a car will stop for me out of sympathy! They also have no street lights, so being in a car at night is crazy…I have learnt to try and stop holding my breath and simply close my eyes and pray...ALOT!
Shopping
I visited the shopping centre for groceries and was amazed that it had everything I could need…including milo and nutella!! I sensed my plan to lose weight was in serious jeopardy! 89,000 shillings (about $45) later…I had food! I am going to visit the local markets today, which is where you can buy amazing clothes, jewellery etc. The only problem is that you are supposed to bargain with them…and I am terrible at that! I just feel bad and want to give them whatever they ask, but its apparently part of the culture, so I guess I better give it a go…
Food
We get lunch provided at the baby home, which is where I have sampled some real Ugandan food. I liked the cassava and the rolex…and of course the fruit is so fresh and delicious!! I have also been out to dinner a few times with some volunteers and Ugandan friends, where I have really gotten to experience the REAL Uganda. We went and had chicken one night, and ended up in the crazy back streets where there wasn’t really any Mzungu’s in sight…and I loved it! Almost fell down a few massive pot holes and got hit by a few random bodas that appeared out of nowhere…but survived and had the best night ever
Apartment
I am staying in one of the volunteer apartments, which is really secure and well set up. Before I came here, I thought coming for 2 months was ages. NOPE! Most of the volunteers are here for 6, 9 or 12 months, with a few short stayers like me. They are mostly from Canada, USA, Australia, UK and one Finnish girl. All pretty friendly, which is great. I have learnt that I must keep all the doors shut, partly to keep the mozzies out…but more to keep the chickens out! Didn’t realise on my first day and then had to chase them all out the kitchen! I felt very Ugandan indeed!
Children’s Villages
One of the highlights has been the tour of one of the Children’s villages. The village we saw was huge…full of homes and classrooms, and with 800 children, but it was considered one of their smaller villages! All of the kids were in school, starting from kindergarten right up to highschool. Actually I learnt that you can stay in the village until you have finished university and are ready to support yourself! So such a mix of kids from 2 years old…up to 22 years old! We went into a few of the houses and met the Mammas, some who had toddlers with them. It was beautiful seeing how the Mammas and kids acted like a true family…clearly so in love with each other. It blew the old fashioned concept of an “orphanage” out of the water for me, and I could see the power of placing children and widows together in these community’s and how healthy it is for both of them. While I was there I was busting for the bathroom (of course!) so our host send me across to the school toilets. The poor school girls nearly had a heart attack when a huge white mzungu walked into the bathrooms…and I had to use a porcelain pit/in-ground toilet (very clean, mind you…and had a flush?!), so that was testing for me! Luckily everywhere else in Uganda I have been to has had western toilets so it’s all good for the uncoordinated like me! But I survived, and then the kids loved running up to us calling out “Mzungu, Mzungu!!” and it was so great. Loved the village!
Baby Home
Oh my gosh. I cant believe that in the space of a week I have fallen head over heels IN LOVE with the babies!! I have learnt to multi task to a whole nutha level… as you feed 4-5 babies at once, or bath 12 babies together…but the nannies are pros at it, and I am learning fast! There are 4 rooms, with the Monkey room having the 0-3months (and any tiny older kids), the Giraffes having the 3-6 months, the Hippos the 6-9months and then the Elephants having the 9+ months. So far I have mostly been helping out in the monkey and giraffe rooms…oh my gosh they melt me!! When they are supposed to be sleeping, and peep up at you from their crib and smile and then giggle…wowsers. So in love!! I work/volunteer 6 days a week, for 8 hours (6 on weekends)…so its hard work, but very rewarding. Seeing the kids so strong and healthy, especially those that were brought into the home 3-4 months premature, malnourished or abandoned….they are so happy and loved. Its very impacting. AlreadyI don’t want to leave!!
So that’s life so far. I went to Watoto church on the weekend…going to a church packed with Africans was AWESOME! Especially during the singing. I struggled to understand the preacher, as it had a very strong Ugandan accent…but it was great fun anyways. I am trying to get out and see as much of Uganda as I can. Might do a safari in the next few weeks. So much to see…so much to do!!
Well...I am on the eve of the start of my big adventure. I can't believe how the time has flown. So much that my brain hasn't yet caught up and I haven't even processed that I am about to leave. And as I sit around looking at my bare apartment, and see my packed bag (now THAT was a miracle, getting it all to fit)...I guess its natural to reflect on the journey...up until now, and the journey ahead. Last week in the Bondi service at church, Thomas H spoke a little on how we are God's poem. You read in the bible that we are God's masterpiece, and I know that God has a plan for me...but the way he described God writing our life as a poem was beautiful. How, just like a true poet or story-teller, He carefully chooses every word He writes over our life. He carefully chooses what path we take. Designs how He closes one door, to guide us to another. How He positions us somewhere at the right time. And how at the same time that He is writing our poem, He is writing the poems of other people's lives, carefully interweaving them with ours. Positioning us both at the right place, at the right time. It made me again realise, that if I give up my plans and simply trust what He has already written over my life...then He will take me on the most amazing journey. Yes there will be scary times and sad times, as it makes a boring poem/story without that...but because He wrote it, He holds my hand during the scary times, and laughs with me during the fun times. I have no idea what Africa will hold for my life when I arrive in 2 days time. But I do know that God has already written my poem. He knows what's ahead. He will provide, protect and bless me, just as He promised. I cant imagine a better story line for my life than what He has, and is about to, write...
This week in Connect Group we were talking about the Presence of God. And talking about how in some seasons where life is busy, it can sometimes be really hard to find large amounts of time to read the bible and pray and worship God. And how that can often lead to feelings of guilt and condemnation. Which we know is never from God! As we were praying, I felt that God dropped something on my spirit to share with 2 mums that were there, but its actually been something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about this week either. I felt like God say "I am a God of quality, not quantity. That if you can only give me 5 minutes, but you give me all of yourself in that 5 minutes...all your attention, heart, passion, awe, wonder, love, dedication...then I would rather that than someone who can give me 30min to read their bible, but is distracted or doing it out of obligation". It's funny because one of my "love languages" is quality time. Which again isnt necessarily focused on the amount, but more the quality of the time that someone gives you. God is love, so I think God wants ALL the love languages...but I have no doubt He is into quality time with us. Its challenged me to be purposeful with my time with God. To turn the radio off when driving. To keep my focus on him and not let my mind wander when I pray. To give him all of me, in the small free time I may have. Yes, reading the bible is essential. But we can get creative in that. Its available on your ipod...blackberry/iphone. Praying is essential. But we can pray while we drive, do the dishes, go for a short walk around the block. Worshiping him is essential. But that doesn't mean spending an hour listening to a CD. Sometimes that can be opening our eyes and actually SEEING the wonder of whats around us, and staying in awe of Gods goodness and creation. I just think...if life is crazy...learn to still give God quality time in your life. Learn to rest in him in the busyness of it. And learn to appreciate his peace and rest. And that only comes as a gift from Him, as you deepen your relationship with Him. And we can all do that no matter how busy our life season is!
So I turned 31 two days ago. Gosh that sounds...older. Dont want to say old because I dont FEEL old. But gosh...31. But I am excited...because it truly feels like one season of my life is ending, and another is beginning. I have 2.5 weeks of work left...and 3.5 weeks until I fly out!! Crazy!! My house is getting packed up. My car is getting sold. I am getting ready to hand over my patients at work. Whilst at the same time I am looking towards the future, and trying to navigate what lies ahead. I am constantly reminded of how much I need to keep depending on God. I listened to an amazing message a week ago by Darren Kitto. He spoke on Season of Life...and how we need to stay dependent on God. Here is a summary of what he said, because it really spoke to me...so I hope I do it and him justice!
He spoke on Moses, from the book of Exodus. He talked about how Moses was going through a great season...knew his calling, and was confident in that. However he became a little cocky and took things upon himself and acted prematurely...killing someone. When he realised what he had done...he fled to the desert, where he lived for 40 years. 40 looong years!! And then it says that God spoke to him. Which potentially means that he may have gone 40 years without hearing from God! Wowsers! Anyways...God tells him what He wants him to do, but Moses has lost his confidence and asks God 5 questions:
Firstly he asks God "Who am I?"... And God replies and tells him that its not about who Moses is, but about God. And that when God is with us...it doesn't matter who we are, just who God is.
Secondly Moses asks "What shall I say?"...realising that he doesn't have all the answers. And God replies and says "tell them I Am". We need to realise that God is big enough to be God. We don't need to tell people what to do, fix them, condemn them, judge them or always feel pressured to say the right thing. God is big enough to be God to people...all we have to do is point them towards Him, and let Him do the rest.
Thirdly Moses asks "What if they don't believe me?"...again showing his awareness that he cant do it alone. And God tells him to look at what's in his hand. When Moses fled, he became a shepherd, so of course he had a staff in his hand. But God wants us to not write off whats in our hand and presume that its useless...but to change our perspective and see the potential in what is in our life. What may be annoying/frustrating/worthless to us, may be exactly what someone else is desperate for. And God can use everything that's in our hand for His purpose, if we allow him.
Fourthly, Moses points out his insecurities by saying "But I am slow in speech". But God says to him "Who makes mouths, and makes people speak or not speak?" God reminds us that He is bigger than our failings. So instead of focusing on our failings...we need to focus on Him instead.
And lastly Moses...still not getting it...asks "Cant you send someone else?". Seriously...God showed patience here with poor old Moses! He shows Moses his brother Aaron, and points out that he is a good speaker. This shows us that, despite our failures and weaknesses, God can bring people into our life so that we don't need to do the journey alone, and that God will combine our strengths with another person's strengths to get his purpose achieved.
Moses was reminded in the desert of how much he needed God. Moses may have had a calling in his life, like you and I do, but if we allow ourselves to be full of pride or arrogance, and don't totally depend on God...then we will never truly walk in that calling.
So...as I step into my journey...I am reminded again how much I need God. As long as He is with me...I will be ok. I dont need to be God to those around me...just live my life in a way that points others to Him. I need to appreicate my seasons and my circumstances, and be humble in simply using whats in my hand to do what I can. I need to not focus on my failings, and keep my focus on God. And I need to appreciate the people God puts in my life, and not get jealous or competitive with them...but simply see how together, we can all walk into our callings...
YAY!!! I am so excited and relieved after I was issued my 12 month USA tourism visa today!! And after sitting there for 45min in the waiting area watching person after person get denied...I had no doubt that I was going to need God's favour!!
"You're blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule" Matt 5: 3 (Message)
Life can be stressful. At the moment I have a million things running through my mind and a to-do list a mile long. But I wonder if all the times that we are running around like crazy, trying to make things happen in our own strength, often banging our head against the wall...if God is just watching us. And like a perfect gentleman...waiting for us. Waiting for us to reach the end of our rope...tired, burnt out and ready to collapse...so that He can step in and do what He does best. Carry us. Guide us. Open the right doors. Give us His favour. I am grateful that I learning slowly to let God and His rule lead me BEFORE I get to the end of my rope. Living a life of faith and hope, no matter how scary things seem or out of control or not going the way I presumed they would go...its actually a free life. A blessed life. And I wouldn't have it any other way..
So I had a good reminder this week of how God is SO not predictable...and doesn't always follow OUR plans. It started when I did my tax return, and knowing that I have a big season of financial stretch ahead (with not working for at least 6 months, volunteering in Uganda and church building in NYC)...I just presumed that God would make it so that I got this great tax return and I would be set. Nope. $180 was my huge, extravagant tax return. So...I looked upward and asked "What the??". And then I felt God remind me that I had to trust Him...
Then this morning at Bondi church I heard Emma speak on having faith with our finances and never getting to a point that we don't need God. And Ben H speak on Moses. He spoke about how Moses took the first step in Exodus 5:22 and went to see Pharaoh. However God then made me think about how Moses went to Pharaoh and told him to release God's people...and how Moses would have just expected Pharaoh to agree. He probably just presumed that that is what God would do. But He didn't. Pharaoh told Moses to get lost...and then Moses went back to God. (On a side note...I love that he went back to God. He didn't go crying to his friends or sit around feeling sorry for himself, like most of us would do). Just like how I expected God to come through with my tax return...I am sure Moses would have expected Pharaoh to just hand the people over. However...sometimes I think that God doesn't open or come through the door we expect. Because maybe then we would be tempted to take too much of the credit for what happens. Moses may have developed a swollen ego and felt proud that it was because of him that the people were set free. And maybe I would have thought that I was this amazing accountant and it was because of me that I got a great tax return.
Instead...God often comes through an unexpected door. A miraculous door. A door that, even when we step out in faith, still takes us by surprise and reminds us of how amazing God is and how much we need Him. With Moses, God then brought plagues and other problems Pharaoh's way...something Moses could never have done on his own, but yet because Moses had stepped out, Pharaoh still knew to go to Moses and hand the people over. And with me...I dont know yet. But I do know that God will provide for me. And because I don't know how or when it will happen...it requires me to keep having faith. And I have no doubt that one day soon, a miraculous door will open. One that I couldn't have brought about myself...and although it wont have been my plan or what I expected, I know that it will be exceedingly, abundantly and more than I could ever have imagined!
I didnt used to understand what it meant in the bible when God says "Tell them I Am". I Am what?! It never really made any sense to me. I figured it was something too deep and theological, or too abstract for my brain...
And then I heard a song by Nicole Nordeman called "I Am". And it was like the light went on!! I finally got it. One of my favourite verses in the song says this...
"Only sixteen, life is so mean What kind of curfew is at 10pm? You saw my mistakes And watched my heart break Heard when I swore I'd never love again And when I was weak, unable to speak Still I could call You by name And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper Be my best friend And you said, I Am"
I Am. Meaning...He is EVERYTHING. Everything we ever need Him to be.
So now I am thankful that when I say "God...be my best friend, comforter, sounding board, confidante, provider, finance manager, miracle worker, secret keeper, travel agent, visa giver, travelling companion, Father, hand holder, doctor, teacher, forgiver, door opener, door closer, husband finder, strength giver, gift giver, cheerleader,and soul mate...he answers "I Am".
Having doubts is an interesting concept for a Christian. On one hand...I have always felt that I shouldn't have doubts. I should be full of faith, confident and certain of things. No room for doubts.
But is that realistic? Ed Young recently said something that made more sense to me. He said that its ok to have doubts. Because doubts mean that you NEED faith!! If you have no doubts...if you feel certain...then you don't need faith.
So...whats the answer? I think that we will always have some doubts. Life is uncertain. Even when you ask God for something, you don't know what the outcome will look like. As Priscilla Shirer wrote in her book on hearing from God, sometimes you ask God for a breakthrough, but if Hes trying to teach you a different lesson, then the outcome wont be as you expect.
So while we will have doubts, what we can be SURE about is God's promises. Promises to make everything come together for good. That he will lead us. Guide us. Bless us. Open doors. Close doors. Sometimes it wont look like what we expect. Sometimes He wont make our plan happen...instead He will make His plan happen. But you can be confident that His plan is going to work out better than anything you can think or imagine.
So...have faith in God. Not faith in your abilities, strength or circumstances. Have faith in His love and goodness and faithfulness, even in the midst of your doubts and fears.
