Rejection is not a reflection...

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first" John 15:18

I used to read this verse and think that it was God telling us (nicely) to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. If we ever feel rejected by people or hated, we should just deal with it, as we aren't the first person to feel like that, and we certainly won't be the last.

But last night, as I was seeking God in the middle of my season of rejection and heartache, I saw it through new eyes. I felt God comfort me as I processed my feelings, by showing me that He understood. He isn't a distant, far away God who looks down his nose at us as we cry out to Him. He feels what we feel. Jesus came to earth and experienced life as a man.  Fully God, but also fully man. He felt the same emotions and heartache as we feel. Isaiah 53:3 tells us "He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrow, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned out backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care". Acquainted with deepest grief. Not just sadness...but deep sorrow and grief. So in John 15...God is telling us so beautifully "I understand. I know what it feels for someone to reject you. To turn their back on you. To stop caring. I understand how you feel and I care. Because they did it to me too".

God then also revealed to me that rejection is not a reflection of ourselves. It's easy when you are rejected...when someone breaks up with you, or a friendship ends. When you don't get given a role or a promotion. Or you are the last one picked in a sports team. It's easy for us to lose our sense of value and worth by seeing ourselves through the eyes of rejection. We weren't good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Just...not enough.
But Jesus was enough. He was perfect. He was kind and compassionate and strong and wise. He was Love. And yet He was rejected. His rejection had nothing to do with who He was or his value. Which shows that MY rejection is also not a reflection of my value.

Sometimes things end. Doors close. Relationships break up. We lose a job. I know when this happens I am quick to point the finger of blame back on myself. To carry my rejection as a badge of shame. But it doesn't need to be like that. Many times it is God closing a door to protect us. Or to get us out of a place of comfort and force us into something new He has planned for us. Sometimes we never know the reason. And in the midst of it, it's ok to feel heart broken and sorrow. God is with us, comforting us, hearing us every time we cry out to Him. He understands our pain. But just remember that it isn't a reflection of who you are. They rejected the most perfect man who ever lived. We must learn to see ourselves through God's eyes only. To Him, we are worthy and valuable and loved. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. So hold your head up high. Take a deep breathe. Trust in God's plans. Trust in His timing. Trust in His goodness. Trust in his love and compassion. Place your hope in Him. And keep going...your best days are surely ahead.

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore I will HOPE IN HIM!". The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him". Lamentations 3:20-25 NLT

"Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure " 1 Peter 1:6-7

"Jesus overheard and said "Don't be upset. Just trust me and everything will be alright" Luke 8:50-51

Every Bitter Thing Sweet

I have been sitting on my couch devouring a book that I stumbled across this morning called "Every Bitter Thing Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. I knew it was from God when it was also only $1.99 on Kindle!

So I started reading, and it wasn't long before the tears were falling down my face as I read MY thoughts on those pages. The very questions and doubts, the pain and heartache of my journey was mirrored in the author's. Her story is about being barren...my story is about being single and barren. Not because I can't physically have children, but because circumstantially I can't. Which trust me, hurts just as much. She shared her thoughts which seemed to echo mine...
My realisation that I often live expecting to be disappointed. That when blessing comes, its the rarity and will likely soon be replaced with disappointment again.
My belief that those who meet someone and get married and have babies are chosen by God, more loved, and more worthy than me.
My belief that I must be doing something wrong.
My fear that in the same way the US immigration officer all those years ago said "No" to my visa request and shattered my dream despite my faith and hope and perceived calling to NYC, that God was now the same voice of "No" in my life, shattering my dreams all the same.

But then, just as this lady journeyed with God, He also whispered and reminded me of His love and His truth. I know that those statements above are not the truth. They are the doubts and lies that the devil so often and so carefully whispers into my mind.
The devil wants me to believe that I am worthless and forgotten. But that is a LIE! The truth is that I AM called. I am loved. I am worthy. There is no one more loved that I.
The devil wants me to believe that God's plan depends on what I do right or wrong, instead of God's grace (His undeserved and unearned goodness and favour). That is a LIE.
The devil wants me to believe that God is withholding me from my dreams and desires. That is a LIE. Every good thing comes from God. He has a plan and purpose for my life. And his timing is perfect. THAT is the truth.

As it says in the book...Circumstances don't shape me. God did...ahead of time.
God prepares ME just as much as He prepares my future.

And then...the light came on. I finally understood. This season...it's all about relationship. My relationship with God. I am wanting a moment. A breakthrough. My husband to arrive. My new life to start. But when it does - will I just turn away, happy that I now have what I want? Distracted by the gift with no time for the gift giver?

This painful waiting season WAS the gift - the gift of time to develop my relationship with God. Time and pain and loneliness were all the key ingredients that pushed me deeper into Him, over and over and over again, that seeking Him has now become the new normal. I know for a fact I will never be the same again. I have been so focused on getting my husband - I haven't noticed what I have gained. An intimate, personal, true, deep, real and passionate relationship with God the Father. He slowed me down to pull me close. He said "no for now" to have me for himself. God is a jealous God and this was my season for us. He & I. I will never have this again. When my husband and babies come - it will never be like this again. Hours spent sitting on the couch, reading the book He wanted me to read. Journalling and pondering and time thinking about He and I...about Us. This moment right now is what its all been about. Not wasted. Not one tear or moment where my heart was exploding with pain was wasted, as it made me cling to Him like nothing every would. No one else in my life that I was able to cling to except God. He kept me alone to teach me to come to Him alone.

It's like my eyes have been opened and light fills the dark spaces of questions and doubts and confusion. This season wasn't wasted time. It was precious. It was purposeful and perfect. And for that God, I say THANK YOU.