Pull up a pillow...

So my 365 days are over. I have been to Africa and NYC and had my heart changed, stretched, ripped apart, put back together, and finally left where it belongs. In NYC. But for now...I am back in Sydney, waiting to hopefully go back to NYC. Its been 2 weeks since I arrived, but I can honestly say they have been the toughest 2 weeks of the journey. Judah Smith put it so beautifully in a message he preached at HC2010 - I no longer fit where I used to be, yet I am not yet where I am supposed to be. I am living "in the meantime". And I can tell you from experience...its one of the toughest places to live!

Judah's message was based on Mark 4: 35-41. This is the story of when Jesus and the disciples are heading in a boat to "the other side". A huge storm comes up, yet Jesus is asleep on a pillow at the back of the boat. The disciples freak out, and wake Jesus saying "Don't you care that we are sinking?" Jesus then calms the storm and asks them "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith".

I wept when I read this story in the context of Judah's message, as I realised its the story of my current journey. I am in a boat, journeying to "the other side" of my next season. And I was in a storm...a crazy, internal storm. I felt lost and like I was drowning in emotion. I am sure there was a part of my heart crying out "don't you care that I am sinking?!" Yet Jesus sleeps. He of course wakes to calm the storm of my life when I cry out to him; but then I wonder if He goes back to sleep. Because you see...Jesus is not worried about the storms of our life. They don't take Him by surprise. They don't scare him. They don't make him doubt his power or control. He sleeps because he knows no storm will stop him getting me to the other side of my journey.

It made me so grateful that Jesus is in my boat with me. He calms my storms. He is the captain who knows which way to steer the boat. And how long its going to take to get there. Hes not worried. He doesn't get panicked about my storms. He rests. And I think he invites me to rest with him. I think that's faith...not constantly looking at the waves, or trying to stare into the horizon to see the land ahead...but simply resting next to him. And trusting that the "meantime" season doesn't last forever. Soon I will arrive...and I should probably be rested in order to keep running in my journey once I get there...

Suddenly...

Sometimes life can be discouraging. When you look to the horizon of your future...you can see nothing. It doesn't feel like that promise is on its way. It doesn't feel like any doors are opening. It doesn't feel like your husband is on the horizon. It doesn't feel like anything in your life is about to change.

However...what I have remembered recently in my walk with God is that the bible...and our lives...are filled with "suddenly" moments. Just when you think nothing is happening..."suddenly you meet someone. Or suddenly you get a phone call. Or suddenly you find a perfect job vacancy".

We need to learn to not focus on the horizon of our future. Because we see such a small piece of the picture. We never see what God is doing behind the scenes, until suddenly something happens. We never see who is about to enter our lives. We never see what door God is about to open, what opportunity is about to be presented to us, or who we might cross paths with. That's why our focus needs to stay on God. We can trust Him. Trust his timing. His plan. His purpose.

God loves us. He wants to bless us. Pour joy and happiness into our lives. He wont make us wait longer than we need it, despite our impatience. He wont ever forget us. He wont leave us on the shelf. He wont let us miss out. He wont keep blessing everyone else except you. So don't get caught up in your circumstances. Don't get discouraged. Because just when you are ready to give up, "suddenly" might just happen...

Help, I'm sinking!!

So this week I found myself thinking about one of the most famous stories in the bible - the story where Peter steps out of the boat and walks on water with Jesus. At many times of my life, this story has impacted me. Mostly when there is something scary on the horizon and I feel myself challenged to step out of the boat and take a risk in faith.

But this time...my focus was further into the story. The story talks about Jesus calling Peter out of the boat, and Peter seemingly jumping out of the boat quickly, with little hesitation. Full of faith and confidence in Jesus, it appears. However once he is out on the water, he starts to look around him, panic, and begin to sink.
I feel like...that's the Peter I can relate to at the moment. I feel like 12-18 months ago Jesus called me to step out of my boat in faith. To pack up my life and move to America...and I feel like I accepted that quickly, without much hesitation, and full of faith. And, like Peter, that's when the miracles began. I can't start to explain the miracles of how I got here...how I am doing all that I am doing...least of all how I am STILL living on the small amount of savings I started with. But I am. I stepped out and God met me with His miracles.

But its now, right in the MIDDLE of Gods miracle, that I find myself suddenly looking around and starting to panic. I am not sure how Hes going to open doors for me to stay. Hows hes going to make a way, in His perfect timing, whilst still allow me to do what I came here to do, and still meet the desires of my heart...when life just seems so crazy to me. Its very easy to feel overwhelmed and start to sink.

Yet...just like with Peter...Jesus is still with me, and in the middle of the craziness...reaches out his hand to me. Its the age old reminder not to look at my circumstances, but simply to keep my eyes on Him. I feel like its one of those lessons that you can never learn enough! You feel like you nailed it...until you enter your next season of sinking. But thankfully...God is patient with His. Hes our lifeguard that never grows tired of helping us stay afloat.

So...right in the middle of my miracle...I choose to keep looking to Him. Choose to not look at how overwhelming and scary life may feel...but just look to Him. Remembering how he didn't let me sink when I first stepped out the boat. And How he wont let me sink now. His mercy, his grace, his strength, his plans, his purpose, his timing...its forever. And that's what keeps us afloat no matter what.

Lessons to live by....

So this week has been a crazy week...but here are the 3 God lessons I have been pondering on...

(1) When all you see in front of you is Red Sea...remember that God knows how He will get you to the other side. This week felt like a Red Sea week. All I could see was red tape, job and visa difficulties. I was hit with a spirit of discouragement, and it just felt too hard. But then I realised that the Israelites would have felt that too. They would have walked up to this HUGE Red Sea. They probably couldn't see to the other side. And I am sure they had no idea how on earth they were supposed to get to the other side. Its easy for us nowadays to think "oh yeah, God parted it and they walked through". But when you stop and think about it...I am not so sure I would have wanted to step in and give it a try. Even after it initially parted, I probably would still have wondered what would have happened if I had gotten halfway and the plan changed?! Sometimes we go through days/weeks/seasons when you can't see the other side - all you can see is the impossible situation. Right now, you might not know what miracle God will use to get you through the craziness and over to the other side. But He does. In Romans 4 it says "If you see that the job is too big for you, that its something only God can do, and you trust Him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you right with God, by God. Sheer gift" (v5: Message bible). God wants us to trust Him with the impossible. Because for Him...NOTHING is impossible. He can do all things, if we just have faith. Maybe the way it happens won't be as we expect it. Maybe the Israelites presumed God was going to bring a huge bridge, flown in by a ginormous helicopter. But God did something more than their minds could comprehend. Even bigger and better...to show How great and powerful He is. Sometimes God wants to use our impossible situations as a testimony of His greatness. So...don't give up. Don't get discouraged. Pray the prayer I now pray daily: "Lord, do the impossible in my life".

(2) When its God's plan...nothing you can do will stuff it up. So...this week I realised I made some pretty dumb decisions. I left somethings to the last minute that I should have done earlier. I said some dumb things to people without thinking. But..I am human. And humans do dumb things. Abraham did. He told a very powerful man that his wife was his sister! Not only once...but TWICE! And what about Aaron. Moses goes up on the mountain to talk to God, and what does Aaron do....He builds a golden cow to worship! Talk about dumb moves. But God had a plan and purpose for their lives bigger than they were. It again says in Romans 4 "If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we are given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story". The story of Abraham actually has nothing to do with Abraham. Its all about God simply using a common man, who makes dumb decisions sometimes, to do great things. God has a plan for me, and a plan for you. And yeah, sometimes we might stuff up. Sometimes we might delay things. Sometimes we take the long way to get there. But when it's Gods plan...it will prevail. God slowly brings you back on track and right back into his plan. Of course that doesn't mean we can throw wisdom out the window and do whatever we want...but it does mean that our lives are bigger than ourselves. So forgive yourself when you stuff up. Repent. Give it to God. And allow him to bring you back on the path to His plan for your life.

(3) Don't be like the Israelites and be quick to forget all the miracles God has done in your life. Oh, this is the big one I am having to focus on during my crazy faith season. On the days when I look at my circumstances, panic, throw my hands in the air and cry "why did you bring me here God"...I am quick to realise that that's what the Israelites did too. As humans, we are so quick to forget the amazing things God has done in our lives. 9 months ago God did HUGE miracles to open doors and allow me to start this crazy journey. And now that things are again entering into a scary season...I need to keep remembering those miracles. God is the same God as 9 months ago...and the same God as 2000 years ago. He parted the Red Sea. Healed people from impossible sickness. Brought Jesus and many others back to life. Supernatural, crazy, difficult to fathom miracles. And He can do that for us today. Don't be quick to panic and focus on our circumstances. Keep your focus upward. He has done great miracle before...He WILL do them again.

Faith that is seen...

For some reason growing up, I was always fascinated by the story of the paraplegic who couldn't get close enough to see Jesus (Luke 5). His friends have brought him for healing, and when they couldn't get close enough...they climb onto the roof, take off some tiles and lower him down! Genius! And then it says "When Jesus saw their faith, he said "friend, your sins are forgiven".


There are 2 things I find fascinating about this. Firstly...their faith was SEEN. Faith is not something that you just keep inside of you. Yes, that's where it starts and where it grows...but if you don't do anything with your faith, it isn't effective. Even the bible says that faith without works (action) is dead. So what am I doing to show my faith? Because at the moment, I am DEFINITELY living by faith. Visas, jobs, finances, calling, purpose, timing, God's plan...all desperately needing God's touch. And my FAITH! But do others see my life and see faith, or fear. Confidence in God, or myself. A willingness to step out and trust, or wait til I have all the answers. If Jesus looked at my life, would he see the faith just on the inside of my heart, or being lived out daily as a testimony of His goodness.

The second thing is that it wasn't just the faith of the paraplegic man in this story. It was the faith of his friends. Jesus didn't say HIS faith was seen...it was THEIR faith. Sometimes we just use all our faith on ourselves. Believing for what WE need. But how often are we letting our faith for others be seen? How often are we willing to get out of our comfort zone (maybe even climb on a roof) and do whats needed in faith for others? Maybe, like my amazing Ps Carl reminds us...its having the courage to ask someone to church, in faith. Maybe write the book that will impact others, in faith. Offer to pray for someone who isn't a Christian, in faith. Lets not only use our faith for selfish gain...lets allow our faith to be seen BOTH for believing God to move in our circumstances, but also for those around us.

Where we will find you?

We all know that troubles come. Unfortunately, even as Christians we face crises, troubles and scary seasons. God promises to protect us and be with us throughout them, but how do WE react during these times.

I was reading Luke 2:49  recently, where Jesus' parents lose him. Whoa...imagine telling God you literally lost his son?! Anyways...they finally locate him in the temple/church. And Jesus says "Why did you have to look for me? Didn't you know that I would be in my father's house"

It made me question where I go when maybe I feel lost or troubled. I mean, Jesus was a kid. I remember being a kid and not being able to find my mum in a shop, and the fear kicks in. Jesus was still just a kid that lost his parents. Yet...he went to the one place that He knew would always be his place of safety and protection. What do you do when you go through a crisis? Do you isolate yourself from family and friends? Stay in bed and hide under the covers? Stop going to church cause it feels too hard or you are mad at God?

Jesus was all alone in the desert when the devil attacked him with temptation (Matthew 4). And the devil will do the same for us. When you isolate yourself, you are leaving yourself open to the devil whispering lies, temptation, frustration and negativity into your mind. Jesus withstood it because, lets face it...He is God. But He doesn't want us to go through tough times alone. He tells us in Ecclesiastes 4 " You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone... if you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble"

So when trouble hits, keep going to church. Keep doing life with strong Christian friends who can encourage you. Keep pushing into God. Don't make it so that people have to come find you. Have it so that you too can say "Why did you have to look for me? Didn't you know that I would be in my father's house"

The donkey said what??!!

God can speak to us in so many different ways. Today I was reading about how God spoke through a donkey in Numbers 22. This really challenged me to be open about how I can hear from God. Some people expect only to hear from God with their ears, like a loud booming voice from the sky. Some people only think God speaks in whispers, so they need to isolate themselves to hear Him. Some people feel His peace. Some people hear Him through others. Some through the bible. And in the case of Balaam...God used a donkey.

Unfortunately for Balaam...he didnt realise what was happening. He didn't realise it was God. So everytime the donkey saw the angel of God and stopped, Balaam beat the donkey. But then the funniest thing happened. (I love the bible sometimes...it really cracks me up.) This is what it says... "Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth and she said to Balaam "What have I done to you to make you beat me 3 times?". Balaam answered the donkey "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now".

OK...lets just stop for a moment. Balaam tells the donkey that she made a fool of him. IMAGINE how much more of a fool he looks talking to a donkey!!! Anyways...the conversation with the donkey continues...
"The donkey said to Balaam "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?" And Balaam replies "No". Oh thats the hightlight for me!! Not only is Balaam talking to the donkey...the donkey puts him in his PLACE! Bam! Whats a hilarious sight this would have been. But then it says "Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes..."

I kind of get the feeling that up until that point Balaam didnt realise that God was involved in this interaction. I mean...really?! How often does your donkey just start talking to you?! I would have fallen off my donkey at the first word...but Balaam is so mad that he cant even see the situation for what it is. How many times have you been so focused on your situation. So filled with emotion or frustration or confusion that you cant sense God talking to you, right where you are at. Sometimes it might be a closed door that you are angry about. Sometimes someone might challenge you on something and you get offended. Sometimes...like in the famous story, you are sitting on the roof and God sends you a helicopter, but you are so busy looking out for God that you miss Him!

God speaks to us in so many ways. He does speak to us in all the ways I listed at the start. Through a voice, a whisper in our hearts, the bible, other people. Just be open (and use wisdom and discernment, of course) to how God wants to speak to you or reveal himself to you. You might be going through a season where you aren't hearing from God. And yes, those seasons do exist (I think I wrote a blog last year about that...) but sometimes its because you are expecting Him to speak to you only in a certain way. Maybe its the way He spoke to you last time. But sometimes God wants to mix it up a little...to make us keep trusting Him. If everything is how we expect it and we get safe and comfortable in that, our need for faith lessens. So maybe God wants to do it a little different this time. So...be open and ready to hear from God no matter how it may present itself. But let me give you a heads up...if a donkey starts speaking to you, don't bother arguing back!!

Stand in the Gap...

Moses must have been ONE patient man. I mean...seriously, those Israelites were complainers! Whinging, whining and grumbling all day long. I would hope that if I got to see the miracles they saw, and if I got to tangibly see God's clouds and presence like they did, I would live in awe and not complaining! Actually even God got angry at them. And Moses knew it. In Numbers 16:46 Moses tells Aaron to hurry up and make atonement for the people because "Wrath had come out from the Lord; the plague had started".

So rather than saying "OK God...go for it! These people are driving me crazy too!! Knock 'em out" what does Moses do? It says "He stood between the Living and the Dead" (Numbers 16:48). Wow. What a man of God. No wonder God chose him!!

But you know what...God is calling us to do the same with His people today. God needs us to stand in the gap between the people that know and are alive in Him, and those that aren't and are seemingly dead in this world. He needs us to fight for those that are dead inside, and don't know God. How easy it would be to just step aside and let "nature take its course". Spend all our days focused on ourselves and what WE need for God. But God needs us to stand up for those in need. Those who are hungry, lost, hurting...maybe even those who are just living with a sense of "numbness". Who have no sense of the awe and might of God.

I don't know what "standing" for them looks like for you. Maybe its giving a smile to someone. An encouraging word. Food. Shelter. Love. Maybe its writing a blog or a book or a card when God prompts you too, so others can sense His love and goodness. Whatever it means to you...just remember that there is power in standing in the gap. The whole of Israel could have been wiped out by God in one moment had Moses not had the compassion and boldness and willingness to stand between the dead and the living. Now its time to take our stand.

PS. I am not sure that God really would have taken out the whole of Israel. Its hard to know. God's wrath is pretty powerful. But He's also a loving and compassionate God. Maybe it was something that Moses had to sense in order to stir something inside of him. To trigger the response God needed him to have. Just food for thought...

My God, My God...does He forsake me?!

"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me". Most people who have read the bible, or even know anything about Jesus dying on the cross know that this is the last words He said. Jesus' famous last words. Up until recently I just assumed that Jesus was talking to God. That He has taken on the world's sins and was now separate from God, and He was crying out about this.

But you know...that doesn't sit right with me. How can we read in the bible that God is a forgiving God. That He promises to "never leave us, and never forsake us" if here he was, abandoning his own son at his greatest time of need.

But lucky, as a recent preacher taught me, that's not exactly the end of this story. As I learnt, back in the bible days, they didn't have the luxury of saying "hey, you know what it says in Psalm 22". They didn't have chapter and verse numbers. Often they used the first sentence of the chapter as a way of referencing for people to know what they were talking about. So if I said "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth", everyone would know I was talking about Genesis 1.

So what I didn't notice until this preacher pointed it out is that Psalm 22 is referenced in the bible as linking to where Jesus says these famous last words. And if you turn to Psalm 22, how do you think it starts? Yep..."My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me". Psalm 22 then goes on to to in a sense to prophesy about what Jesus would go through. That yes, maybe to Jesus God felt silent as He was taking on the consequences of the WHOLE world's sin. Yet that Jesus still trusted God. That He knew that people cry out to God and are saved. That they trust Him and are not disappointed. That although Jesus would be mocked and insulted...Jesus would still trust God, and that He knew God would rescue Him. That although they pierced his hands and feet, took all his clothes..."He had NOT hidden his face from him, but had listened to his cry for help" (verse 24). That because of this all of the world would rejoice, would remember and turn to the Lord. That future generations would be told of the Lord.

So no...Jesus wasn't crying out to God because God had forsaken and abandoned him. He was crying out to the people, to remind them of Psalm 22...and to remind them that God never leaves us, always hears out cry, and that Jesus knew was he was doing would set the world free.

To me...that makes the story have a MUCH more powerful ending. And it reminds me of God's promise never to forsaken or leave us. If He still heard Jesus' cry, who at that point had more sin on him than any of us ever can...how much more will He always hear our cry. God never leaves us. If you feel like God has moved away from you....stop and look around, and you will quickly realise that its you that moved. God is still listening to your cries. He never stops. He is just waiting for you to come back to Him.

It wasn't my idea...

In Numbers 16: 28 Moses says "This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea"...and then the earth splits open and swallows up a whole bunch of people, just like Moses said it would. This verse really reminded me that my life should be a reflection of God's miracles and testimony, and not of my striving or effort.

As I am on the journey of figuring out visas and where my life is about to go, I need this reminder. It would be so easy to run ahead and try to figure things out, and make them happen in my own strength. But I don't think that's how God wants it to happen. I think that...He wants my life, and your life, to be a testimony of His plans. Which can sometimes mean that things happen at the last minute. Well, last minute according to OUR timing and stress levels. But perfect according to his timing.

I am reminded how I wanted to tell one of the pastors back home that I was leaving to go to Africa and USA. I wanted to tell him because I respected him, and wanted that accountability and "release", in a sense. But I couldn't seem to get to tell him. I never saw him. None of my emails worked. It just seemed like it wasn't going to happen. And just when I made peace about that on the last night before I was leaving...God allowed me to walk through the same doorway as him at the same time. Perfect timing. Perfect opportunity. Some people might think it was just a "coincidence", but I don't believe in coincidences. Not when they happen ALL the time, in God's PERFECT timing, and PERFECT way. For me, that moment was a very clear revelation that what seemed like last minute was in fact God's perfect timing and planning. That He doesn't forget. And He is never late. And that what is important to me is also important to Him. A lot of revelation from one simple doorway conversation, hey? That's how I know it wasn't a coincidence.

So...again I now stay on the journey of trusting God with my visas. Trusting Him to show me how He wants everything to happen. And even when it feels late, it wont be. It will simply show that "the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea".

The Cloud

So in my one year bible I have been plodding along through Numbers. Not the most exciting of books, mind you...but today I was reading Numbers 9:15-23. In summary, it says "On the day of the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony was set up, and the cloud covered it...Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; whenever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped...When the cloud remained over the Tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the Lord's order and did not set out...Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month, or a year, the Israelites would remain in the camp and not set out; but once it lifted, they would set out".

This passage reminded me that there are seasons in our life where it feels like we are on the move...really moving forward and feeling change and direction in our lives. And yet there are other times where it feels like we are stuck and not going anywhere!

Both seasons bring their challenges. When you are moving, like it feels like I have been doing over the last 6-9 months, its fantastic. You feel growth and freshness and new beginnings in life. As the wind blows through your hair, you can feel the stale cobwebs fly away as new adventures or experiences enter your world. Whether its a new job, a new country or a new relationship...its exciting to feel like you are moving forward. But...change can also be scary. It can take a lot more trust when it feels like you are on the move, yet you have no idea whats around the next corner. It can be hard to not know when the adventure will stop. It can be challenging when many things change at once and you lose your sense of stability. Sometimes it can even be exhausting and you may feel like you just want to stop and process whats happened and sit still for a while.

And then before you know it, "the cloud" settles and you stop. And this season can also be challenging. Yes, there is consistency and predictability which can be comforting. And if you are enjoying your life, it can be nice to have things pleasant and the same for a while. But then...its also hard when you feel like you want to move forward but you cant. When your impatience starts and you feel like blowing the cloud to get it moving. When it feels like you have camped so long that you wonder if maybe the cloud got stuck up there!

But God knows the importance of seasons. Sometimes, He wants us to keep moving, even when we are tired. He wants us to enjoy the new experiences and opportunities He is bringing us. But sometimes He calls us just to stop and wait. Maybe its to give us rest. Maybe its for protection because we don't know whats ahead and we aren't yet ready. Maybe its to teach us patience. But whatever the season....it will change soon. No season lasts forever. So don't fight it. Stay obedient, and don't be tempted to sit when the cloud is moving, or sneak out from under it and run whilst its settled. Just be patient and wait for Gods guidance and timing.

A whisper of Grace

So...twice this week I found myself negotiating with God. Trying to convince God why He needed to bless me and give me what I want. Being a single girl...who has given up my whole life to follow God and build His House, I of course told him that therefore He needed to find me a husband. Like...now. Because I am sick of waiting, and I feel like I deserve that. And then also this week I really injured my shoulder. Mostly from sitting on my computer all day doing church stuff, and carrying heavy things all over the city for church, and carrying all my stress in my shoulders...so I told God that He needed to heal me, because essentially it was His fault that my shoulder hurt. Yep...I went there. Talk about arrogant...self centred...prideful...and overall stupidity.

But God...in his amazing love and grace didn't kick me in the butt. Instead He whispered into my heart "No...I will give you a husband and heal you because I love you. So stop serving me and building my house and go home, if that's the only reason you are doing it. Because I will give you all those things anyways. Just because I love you"

Oh man...the tears are flowing again as I still feel his grace resonate in my heart. Not because I deserve it. Not because I have earned it. Not because I am this "great and sacrificial person" (insert sarcasm) who gave up my life for God. But because He gave up everything for me.

I was so humbled and overwhelmed by God's love and grace. It reminded me of my favourite definition of grace..."Undeserved blessing". I don't deserve what God pours into my life. The amount of times I stuff up...I will always be in the minuses, if God kept score. But He doesn't. He gives to us from HIS love, and not as a reflection of what we do.

And of course when I put my own selfishness and ego aside...I remembered why I am doing what I am doing. Why I gave up my life in Australia to travel to Uganda and now USA to build his house. Because I am so desperately in love with God. That I want to give him everything. Because He has already given me everything.

He has given me a love that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me forgiveness when I didn't deserve it. He gave me His patience when I was selfish and stubborn. He gave me undeserved blessing and favour. He gave me an eternity of life with God. He gave me freedom...from striving and bondage and my past. He has given me peace, when life seems crazy. And joy, when my heart hurts. He has given me air to breathe, and friends, and family, and safety. He has given me EVERYTHING. Not because of anything that I have done...not because I have earned it or deserve it. But because He sees me. In a city of millions and millions of people...He sees me. And knows me. And loves me. And believes in me. And just like all the "great" people in the bible (like Aaron...who built the golden calf himself, yet God still chose him to be the main priest) who made mistakes, or doubted, or were afraid, or didn't know what to do...I know that none of that takes away from the amazing plan and purpose that God has for my life. And yeah, I will stuff up occasionally....but His plan is bigger than that. His love and grace and forgiveness keeps me on track.

So...I know God will bring the most amazing husband into my life. And heal me. And pour into my life whatever blessings He chooses to. Because He is good. And loves me. Unconditionally.

So I just need to keep giving it all to him. I need to stop trying to figure it out on my own. I need to stop focusing on finding a husband or getting this or that - because although I am not thinking about something all the time, that doesn't mean God doesn't still see it. He still knows the desires of my heart. Even when my mind is quiet, my heart talks directly to God. But I need to keep looking to Him. Keep trusting that He's working behind the scenes, even when I cant see it or feel it. I need to trust that He will open the right door, keep writing the poem of my life, bring the right people into my life...in His perfect timing and way. My striving or obsessing about things doesn't help, and really just gets in the way and stops me doing what I am here to do. What He wants me to do. I need to rest in God. Wait on Him. Not try to bargain or make demands of Him. Trust Him. With everything. Because that's what He's already given me...

Poor old Pharaoh....

I often wondered why, in Exodus 4-15, God kept hardening Pharaoh's heart. I always felt a little sorry for him...thinking "he never stood a chance!!". But after reading it over the last few days, I have come to realise...as always...that there is more to this story.

The Israelites had been in Egypt for 430 years. Many generations had passed since the days of Joseph, and possibly even the stories of him weren't being passed on any more. Even the new Pharaoh didn't know about Joseph. On both sides, I suspect that there was little respect for or fear of God. I am sure the Israelites were discouraged, feeling purposeless and empty. So I suspect God wanted to do something big...

Moses repeatedly went to Pharaoh and asked him to release the people...but when God hardened his heart, God brought curses and suffering on the Egyptians. However...the Israelites were always spared. Now...lets think about how this would look through the eyes of everyone..

Firstly...through the Israelites' eyes. Here was UNDENIABLE evidence that there was a God who cared about them. Probably answering the doubts of many of their hearts. It says in Exodus that when Moses first told the people of God's plan "they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and cruel bondage". For 430 years they had been slaves, and recently, been treated worse than ever before. They probably had lost faith in God...wondered what the point was. Yet...now they were seeing God show up. They would have started to realise that God HAD been hearing their prayers. Realise that He did care about them! I mean, it would have been amazing just seeing the destruction that Moses could cause with God's power, but tangibly seeing God's protection and blessing in the face of such destruction...that would have brought awe amongst the people. Possibly allowed their hearts to soften also, and their faith and prayers to increase. If it was one miracle, it would have been cool. Two...yeah, pretty amazing. But watching miracle after miracle...this was evidence of God's MIGHTY hand. It would have been such a turning point for the Israelites, to get them ready for the journey they were about to go on with God.


Secondly, Pharaoh's magicians and officials. Initially...they probably weren't that impressed.  They could make their sticks turn into snakes too. Turn the Nile into blood...no worries. Frogs...easy! But by the fourth miracle, it says "when the magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, they could not...The magicians said to Pharaoh 'This is the finger of God". So...imagine for one second if God hadn't hardened Pharaoh's heart, and stopped at one or 2 miracles. Then the eyes of the magicians would not have been opened. In the end...they were all begging Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. They were fully aware of the power of God, and they were afraid. And although the bible doesn't talk about it, it makes me wonder what God did in some of their hearts...

Thirdly, the Egyptian people. They had been living the good life. They had had these great servants for 430 years, who I am sure worked pretty hard. They were recently given permission to work them even harder! Life was good. Maybe they were vaguely aware of God, maybe not. But....oh, they were about to become very aware. Like the Israelites, they were witnesses to God's miracles time and time again. However, unfortunately, they were on the other side of the miracles. They would have seen how God protected those He loves. And in the end, they urged the Israelites to hurry and leave. Because of what they had seen, they were in no doubt of God's power and presence. And again...I wonder how God used this to speak to the hearts of some of the Egyptians...

And finally...poor old Pharaoh. I know, I shouldn't be such a softy, but I am. He kept wanting to let the people go, but then God would harden his heart and he would change his mind. Such an important player in this story. I guess though...God may have been hardening his heart towards the Israelites, but was this because Pharaoh kept his heart hardened to God? Throughout all of this, I don't get the impression that Pharaoh really changed in his respect or awe of God. Its sad really...and I guess it shows the danger of pride and arrogance in someone's life.

So...I think from all this, I was again reminded that God works behind the scenes in ways we don't realise. God needed this to be big. I mean...HUGE. God wanted to remind the Israelites of His love, His power, His protection and blessing, in a way that allow them to return to trusting Him, and in a way that would be remembered and passed on for many generations to come. But I like to think that maybe God also had the hearts of the Egyptian officials and people in mind. I don't know what happened to them. The bible doesn't talk about some great Egyptian revival. And it was back in the days where God was seen as quite exclusive - certainly not for everyone. But, as we know today, that's not the heart of God. God IS for everyone. He loves us all and wants everyone to have the opportunity to get into relationship with Him. So...who knows, maybe more happened in people's hearts back then than we will ever know.



Don't be like the Israelites. They saw these amazing miracles....witnessed something we cant even comprehend...and a few days into the desert, they were grumbling and complaining again. And God kept testing them, because He knew the condition of their hearts. He knew that they still didn't yet trust Him. Weren't ready to let go of their independence and fully depend on Him. They tried to collect more Manna than God told them too. Tried to go out on the Sabbath despite God telling them there would be nothing there as he wanted them to rest. He wanted to supply all their needs, and give them rest...but they couldn't let go. Couldn't fully trust Him, despite what they had just witnessed. But thankfully...God is patient and keeps working with His, slowly shaping our hearts in the process.

The God of Moses is the same God we have today. The God of the impossible. The God of miracles. The God who, if you love and trust Him, will protect you, provide for you and bless you. But we have a role too. We have to stop the hardening of our hearts. We have to stop the grumbling and complaining, including when we don't get our own way or when things don't arrive as quickly as we want them. We might be "starving or thirsty" like the Israelites were, but we have to learn to trust that God will never leave us or forsake us. He wont set us free and then abandon us to fend for ourselves. He wants to get us to a place where we fully dependant on Him. Where we stop striving to keep our independence. Where we realise that there is no greater sense of freedom than handing everything over to God, and trusting Him. Sometimes, we may not realise what Hes doing, as He might be behind the scenes...but trust Him. Trust that there is more going on than you realise. Trust that He sees the bigger picture. And...allow yourself to rest in that trust...

New York City...the beginning...

Well I have finally arrived in the Big Apple...New York City. And when people say it moves fast here, they aren't kidding! After 2 weeks here, it already feels like I have been here forever. But here I am...ready to step into my next God adventure.

Before I arrived, a friend warned me that moving to NYC could be tough. Initially staying on different people's floors. Potentially lonely. Many possible nights filled with tears. So it is with that in mind, that as I reflect on my first 2 weeks here, that I am AMAZED at God's hand on this season.


I arrived in NYC...just. The concept of packing light has never been a strong point for me, and I proved this again as I got on the train in Virginia with 4 bags. The rule for the train was essentially that "you could bring them if you could carry them". Well...I was certainly going to give it a good go. But as the train was approaching Penn Station in NYC...I realised that I may have over-estimated myself. I managed to get 3 under control, but trying to balance them and access my other suitcase in the storage compartment proved to be a challenge. As the other passengers pushed past me to get off the train, with images of the train doors closing and me being still ON the train clearly in my mind...I started praying! And then, the last lady got off the train...looked back and asked "Do you need any help??" Oh thank goodness!! So my knight-ess in shining armour helped me get my last bag off the train, and then helped me carry them upstairs and into New York. I was then rescued again by my lovely friend Susanna, who I had only just met recently in Uganda....and after a quick dinner, we (all my bags included!!!) were picked up by the family she nannies for and taken home in their beautiful luxury car. I had arrived!!

Since then...I have been blessed to be able to stay with this lovely family while finding my feet in NYC. Most of my days have been spent helping look after the 4 year old boy and two 2 year old twin girls. Talk about cute!! In the meantime...God was bringing another angel into my NYC world! My friend (and soon to be flatmate) Janelle and her boyfriend Ian arrived in NYC a few days after me, and I have never met such efficient people!!! Less than a week after they arrived...they had both found apartments (including where I was going to live), and started to arrange all the furniture and things needed, including a bed for me!! Holy Smoke! I couldn't have asked for anything better. Such a God blessing. Here I was, moving to this huge, crazy city, worried about where I would stay initially, and then live long term, and how I would arrange it all...and God blessed me with such amazing people who made the whole process a breeze!!

And then....after a week here, I finally got to go to Hillsong church NYC!! After not getting to attend a Hillsong church since September last year, I was so excited to be "back home". But nervous. About whether it would feel the same as Sydney. Whether it would feel like family. Whether I would make any friends, or would everyone be these 5th Ave supermodels that I couldnt relate too. But after a few emails before the day, I arrived at church on Sunday...and stepped into my new home. I loved it. Everyone was SO welcoming. The leadership there have already entrusted me to join the key team and help build the church, and that night everyone was so friendly and warm, helping me somehow find my feet and keep running all at the same time. As I stood there, I was reminded of the feeling that I had at conference in July. The awareness of my potential with God...and a deep desire to step up and be all He has called me to be. Like Esther...to allow everything I have learnt and done so far to be used for "such a time as this". Yes...its scary. But as I stood in worship and sang "Because You're with me...I will not fear", I found my trust and faith growing again. Which seems impossible, as it has grown so much already since this journey began. But...more than ever before, I am aware of my dependence on God.
I cant make my savings last...but with His help and miracles, I do not fear. I have been blessed by Emad and his family, found some amazingly cheap bargains, and had a God miracle on the rent for our apartment.
I cant build the events team at church without God. But already I feel his wisdom and ideas guiding me, plus the help of some amazing friends back home.
I still dont know where this season will lead...or how long it will last...but for the first time ever, I can feel God so tangibly, that its impossible to fear. He is opening doors, making a way, guiding me and blessing me. Its the biggest stretch season of my life....with lots of challenges ahead, but my faith is growing at an even faster rate.

I am reminded of where it talks in the bible about seeking God's kingdom first, and how He will then add everything you need to your life. If ever that felt like a nice little notion, those days have gone. Now it feels like a reality. How can God not bless those who seek after Him with everything? And of course that doesn't have to look like my journey. It can be equally as real to those working hard in standard jobs, or raising kids at home. Seeking after Him is...about having a deep passionate desire in your heart. For God. For His People. For His House. Its about letting go of all the "things" that we cling to, that we think are going to make us feel safe and happy. But they don't. He will supply all of our needs, if we simply let go and trust Him. And that is the scary, but exhilarating journey I am on. If someone would have said to me a few years ago that I would be living in NYC, having given up work to volunteer and build His house, live on savings... I would have laughed. The stress of figuring out how that would even be possible would have done my head in. But now...I am loving NOT having all the answers. Not knowing exactly where the doors will take me. Not knowing how it will all happen. But having an unshakable faith in the One who does.

I don't know if my story will ever encourage anyone else. I certainly don't recommend doing such a crazy journey unless you knew it was from God. But I do know...that one day, as I may find myself sitting back in a normal job, in whatever town or city I will be living in....I wont be the same. My faith will never shrink back to thinking I have to have all the answers. That I have to strive and fight to hear from God and try to figure it all out on my own. I have learnt to listen for his voice. To seek his peace. To be willing to stop and wait if I don't hear it. And to step away from the crowd...and be the brave one who steps out of the boat. Yes, I will go through times where I look at my circumstances, start to panic and sink a little. But this journey has shown me, tangibly, the goodness and faithfulness of God. So I know I wont sink far. I will lift my head again. Look to Him. Remember how nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing. Remember how He filled my life with miracles and blessing and joy and peace and freedom, at the time that I gave up my life for Him. And remember that if we seek after Him...desperately and passionately desire a deeper relationship with him...then He will never let us down.

So...what does NYC hold for me now?? Guess we all have to wait and see...

Are we there yet???

So my amazing friend Nicole got me a "One year bible" for Christmas this year (well...last year technically). After being a strong Christian for well over 10 years...it was funny to think it was the first one I had ever owned! But I was kind of looking forward to it, seeing as I have to admit - I am one of those Christians who tends to skip over most of the Old Testament (I mean, come on...do I have to know the names of EVERYONE in everybody's family over 400 years?!). So I knew that this would be a good challenge to read a little of the Old and New Testaments every day, plus Psalms and Proverbs. A bit of a tasting plate, as one of my lovely senior pastors would say.

So...on day 5...I am sticking nicely to it! OK OK, I know its only day 5...but still...I have already managed to read everyone in Adam and Eve's initial family tree! But I guess the thing that has really stuck out to me is the concept of patience.
(However on a quick side note, I loved reading in Matthew 1:17 where it says "There were 14 generations in all from Abraham to David, 14 from David to the exile of Babylon, and 14 from the exile to the Christ". It became so clear to me how that was not a coincidence. That God had planned ALL of those generations right from the beginning. And how...unless someone took the time to record all those many names...we would never have seen the perfection of God's plan in that. Anyways...back to my point...)

I know I have talked about the concept of patience a few times in previous entries in this blog, and I came across it again today with Noah. You read verses that say "...and 150 years later, it happened".  Or in the case of Noah...it went a little like this: In about February (or equivalent)...the rains started. It then rained for 40 days (a month and a half). The floods then lasted for 150 days (or 5 months). Then the ark rests on the mountain. However, its then another 3 months before the tops of the mountains become visible. THEN 40 days later Noah sends out the first bird, which comes back empty handed (or beaked...sorry. Lame joke, I know). After several more attempts over 2-3 weeks, the dove finally doesn't return. By then...the bible says its the equivalent of January the following year. However...that's not all. It says that the ground isn't then dry until the 27th of February...almost another 2 months of waiting. And FINALLY...God says "come on out of the Ark". Whoa! I mean...I love my family, but spending 12 MONTHS locked up in a boat with them and way too many smelly animals...it would be enough to send me CRAZY! But before now...I had simply thought -- yep, Noah goes into the boat, it rains, it stops, and he gets out. Oh no. It was so not that simple or quick. It was OVER A YEAR!

In our day in age, its so easy to get impatient. We want things now. Or yesterday. We don't want to have to wait. Quick and fast is the key to everything. Yet you read Noah's story. Or about Elizabeth and Sarah having to wait years and years for God to bring them their promise of a child, and you realise that waiting is such an important part of our Christian journey. I feel like its such a theme over my life at the moment (Oh yay. I know. Awesome.). All I want to do is rush ahead...rush into my future and all that God has planned. I am sick of waiting. Sick of being single. Sick of having no kids of my own. Sick of debt. Sick of not knowing what this year will bring. But...patience is all part of the journey. Actually, I think it IS the journey.

Many people get frustrated and give up. They don't want to wait any longer. However I want to be one of those people...that sticks with it. Maybe even when I cant see any results. Maybe even when the ache of what I am believing for is so strong that I cant breathe. Maybe even when I know that there is no guarantees, expect that God loves me and wants whats best for me. I want to be one of the few that stick it out. Of course...I pray more than ANYTHING that I don't have to wait 150 years!! But I also pray for the strength and perseverance to wait it out. To stay patient. To keep believing and not lose hope. To not get discouraged. To remember that He works behind the scenes, often when we cant see Him. And to have faith...that God sees me. He sees my dreams and desires. He sees my desire to please Him and wait for His plan. Just like in a world of evil people, God saw Noah. I believe that God sees the 'ones'.

After Noah came out of the Ark, God sent a rainbow as a reminder of His promise. I am just an ordinary girl. But I have an extraordinary God. And I have faith in Him. In His timing. His promises. And plans.  And I know that He will tell me when its time to get out of the ark into all that He has promised and saved for me...