A whisper of Grace

So...twice this week I found myself negotiating with God. Trying to convince God why He needed to bless me and give me what I want. Being a single girl...who has given up my whole life to follow God and build His House, I of course told him that therefore He needed to find me a husband. Like...now. Because I am sick of waiting, and I feel like I deserve that. And then also this week I really injured my shoulder. Mostly from sitting on my computer all day doing church stuff, and carrying heavy things all over the city for church, and carrying all my stress in my shoulders...so I told God that He needed to heal me, because essentially it was His fault that my shoulder hurt. Yep...I went there. Talk about arrogant...self centred...prideful...and overall stupidity.

But God...in his amazing love and grace didn't kick me in the butt. Instead He whispered into my heart "No...I will give you a husband and heal you because I love you. So stop serving me and building my house and go home, if that's the only reason you are doing it. Because I will give you all those things anyways. Just because I love you"

Oh man...the tears are flowing again as I still feel his grace resonate in my heart. Not because I deserve it. Not because I have earned it. Not because I am this "great and sacrificial person" (insert sarcasm) who gave up my life for God. But because He gave up everything for me.

I was so humbled and overwhelmed by God's love and grace. It reminded me of my favourite definition of grace..."Undeserved blessing". I don't deserve what God pours into my life. The amount of times I stuff up...I will always be in the minuses, if God kept score. But He doesn't. He gives to us from HIS love, and not as a reflection of what we do.

And of course when I put my own selfishness and ego aside...I remembered why I am doing what I am doing. Why I gave up my life in Australia to travel to Uganda and now USA to build his house. Because I am so desperately in love with God. That I want to give him everything. Because He has already given me everything.

He has given me a love that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me forgiveness when I didn't deserve it. He gave me His patience when I was selfish and stubborn. He gave me undeserved blessing and favour. He gave me an eternity of life with God. He gave me freedom...from striving and bondage and my past. He has given me peace, when life seems crazy. And joy, when my heart hurts. He has given me air to breathe, and friends, and family, and safety. He has given me EVERYTHING. Not because of anything that I have done...not because I have earned it or deserve it. But because He sees me. In a city of millions and millions of people...He sees me. And knows me. And loves me. And believes in me. And just like all the "great" people in the bible (like Aaron...who built the golden calf himself, yet God still chose him to be the main priest) who made mistakes, or doubted, or were afraid, or didn't know what to do...I know that none of that takes away from the amazing plan and purpose that God has for my life. And yeah, I will stuff up occasionally....but His plan is bigger than that. His love and grace and forgiveness keeps me on track.

So...I know God will bring the most amazing husband into my life. And heal me. And pour into my life whatever blessings He chooses to. Because He is good. And loves me. Unconditionally.

So I just need to keep giving it all to him. I need to stop trying to figure it out on my own. I need to stop focusing on finding a husband or getting this or that - because although I am not thinking about something all the time, that doesn't mean God doesn't still see it. He still knows the desires of my heart. Even when my mind is quiet, my heart talks directly to God. But I need to keep looking to Him. Keep trusting that He's working behind the scenes, even when I cant see it or feel it. I need to trust that He will open the right door, keep writing the poem of my life, bring the right people into my life...in His perfect timing and way. My striving or obsessing about things doesn't help, and really just gets in the way and stops me doing what I am here to do. What He wants me to do. I need to rest in God. Wait on Him. Not try to bargain or make demands of Him. Trust Him. With everything. Because that's what He's already given me...

Poor old Pharaoh....

I often wondered why, in Exodus 4-15, God kept hardening Pharaoh's heart. I always felt a little sorry for him...thinking "he never stood a chance!!". But after reading it over the last few days, I have come to realise...as always...that there is more to this story.

The Israelites had been in Egypt for 430 years. Many generations had passed since the days of Joseph, and possibly even the stories of him weren't being passed on any more. Even the new Pharaoh didn't know about Joseph. On both sides, I suspect that there was little respect for or fear of God. I am sure the Israelites were discouraged, feeling purposeless and empty. So I suspect God wanted to do something big...

Moses repeatedly went to Pharaoh and asked him to release the people...but when God hardened his heart, God brought curses and suffering on the Egyptians. However...the Israelites were always spared. Now...lets think about how this would look through the eyes of everyone..

Firstly...through the Israelites' eyes. Here was UNDENIABLE evidence that there was a God who cared about them. Probably answering the doubts of many of their hearts. It says in Exodus that when Moses first told the people of God's plan "they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and cruel bondage". For 430 years they had been slaves, and recently, been treated worse than ever before. They probably had lost faith in God...wondered what the point was. Yet...now they were seeing God show up. They would have started to realise that God HAD been hearing their prayers. Realise that He did care about them! I mean, it would have been amazing just seeing the destruction that Moses could cause with God's power, but tangibly seeing God's protection and blessing in the face of such destruction...that would have brought awe amongst the people. Possibly allowed their hearts to soften also, and their faith and prayers to increase. If it was one miracle, it would have been cool. Two...yeah, pretty amazing. But watching miracle after miracle...this was evidence of God's MIGHTY hand. It would have been such a turning point for the Israelites, to get them ready for the journey they were about to go on with God.


Secondly, Pharaoh's magicians and officials. Initially...they probably weren't that impressed.  They could make their sticks turn into snakes too. Turn the Nile into blood...no worries. Frogs...easy! But by the fourth miracle, it says "when the magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, they could not...The magicians said to Pharaoh 'This is the finger of God". So...imagine for one second if God hadn't hardened Pharaoh's heart, and stopped at one or 2 miracles. Then the eyes of the magicians would not have been opened. In the end...they were all begging Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. They were fully aware of the power of God, and they were afraid. And although the bible doesn't talk about it, it makes me wonder what God did in some of their hearts...

Thirdly, the Egyptian people. They had been living the good life. They had had these great servants for 430 years, who I am sure worked pretty hard. They were recently given permission to work them even harder! Life was good. Maybe they were vaguely aware of God, maybe not. But....oh, they were about to become very aware. Like the Israelites, they were witnesses to God's miracles time and time again. However, unfortunately, they were on the other side of the miracles. They would have seen how God protected those He loves. And in the end, they urged the Israelites to hurry and leave. Because of what they had seen, they were in no doubt of God's power and presence. And again...I wonder how God used this to speak to the hearts of some of the Egyptians...

And finally...poor old Pharaoh. I know, I shouldn't be such a softy, but I am. He kept wanting to let the people go, but then God would harden his heart and he would change his mind. Such an important player in this story. I guess though...God may have been hardening his heart towards the Israelites, but was this because Pharaoh kept his heart hardened to God? Throughout all of this, I don't get the impression that Pharaoh really changed in his respect or awe of God. Its sad really...and I guess it shows the danger of pride and arrogance in someone's life.

So...I think from all this, I was again reminded that God works behind the scenes in ways we don't realise. God needed this to be big. I mean...HUGE. God wanted to remind the Israelites of His love, His power, His protection and blessing, in a way that allow them to return to trusting Him, and in a way that would be remembered and passed on for many generations to come. But I like to think that maybe God also had the hearts of the Egyptian officials and people in mind. I don't know what happened to them. The bible doesn't talk about some great Egyptian revival. And it was back in the days where God was seen as quite exclusive - certainly not for everyone. But, as we know today, that's not the heart of God. God IS for everyone. He loves us all and wants everyone to have the opportunity to get into relationship with Him. So...who knows, maybe more happened in people's hearts back then than we will ever know.



Don't be like the Israelites. They saw these amazing miracles....witnessed something we cant even comprehend...and a few days into the desert, they were grumbling and complaining again. And God kept testing them, because He knew the condition of their hearts. He knew that they still didn't yet trust Him. Weren't ready to let go of their independence and fully depend on Him. They tried to collect more Manna than God told them too. Tried to go out on the Sabbath despite God telling them there would be nothing there as he wanted them to rest. He wanted to supply all their needs, and give them rest...but they couldn't let go. Couldn't fully trust Him, despite what they had just witnessed. But thankfully...God is patient and keeps working with His, slowly shaping our hearts in the process.

The God of Moses is the same God we have today. The God of the impossible. The God of miracles. The God who, if you love and trust Him, will protect you, provide for you and bless you. But we have a role too. We have to stop the hardening of our hearts. We have to stop the grumbling and complaining, including when we don't get our own way or when things don't arrive as quickly as we want them. We might be "starving or thirsty" like the Israelites were, but we have to learn to trust that God will never leave us or forsake us. He wont set us free and then abandon us to fend for ourselves. He wants to get us to a place where we fully dependant on Him. Where we stop striving to keep our independence. Where we realise that there is no greater sense of freedom than handing everything over to God, and trusting Him. Sometimes, we may not realise what Hes doing, as He might be behind the scenes...but trust Him. Trust that there is more going on than you realise. Trust that He sees the bigger picture. And...allow yourself to rest in that trust...