There are times when I am in this place of feeling like Moses is never coming back. The thing I am waiting for in my life will never happen. To give them credit, the Israelites had no certainty that he was. They didn't know for sure what God's plans were - He might have decided to take Moses to heaven with him! Yet the mistake the Israelites made was that they chose sin. They chose to go and worship something else. They not only gave up on Moses, but they gave up on God.
In this season of my life…I see an empty horizon. I sit here waiting - unsure what "promises" I am meant to be clinging to. Unsure what God is doing or will do. Unsure if I should stop looking and waiting, and just suck it up and learn to be ok with life as it is. Not sin. Not walk away from God. But stop waiting.
However... that feels like giving up. Giving up on God. And I don't want to do that either! But what's the right thing to do?
I have absolutely no guarantee that God will bring me a husband or that one day I will have children. None. But it's what I live waiting for. Not because I think they will fulfil me or complete me. Not because I feel like I am getting old. Not even because I feel like they will make my life better. But because I can't shake the feeling that when God shaped and created me, He gave me a mother's heart. That He put in me a calling to love my husband and family and raise a generation of kids who passionately love Jesus. More than running a church service, planning a conference, or even helping start a new church plant - and I do deeply love all those things - they feel like the sheep I am caring for before I step into what God truly created me to do. Like David and his father's sheep. Or Moses and his. Doing what they were meant to do for THAT season. But maybe knowing deep inside that they were called for more.
So…how do you live when you know you are called for more? How do you go about giving all you have, when your heart can't shake the sadness of wanting more. When there is nothing you can do about it. And when there is no guarantee it will even happen. Am I supposed to live constantly, sometimes frantically, looking for my burning bush? Or my Goliath? What if its years away? How do I simply keep going to get through today? How do I face the empty horizon with no clear promise and a huge dream in my heart?
One: I know that I am not waiting alone.
As I sit at the fully prepared table and wait, I know Jesus sits in the chair next to me. As I stare at the empty horizon, I feel His presence standing next to me. The bible promises that He won't ever leave me or forsake (abandon) me. He waits. He gives me comfort when I need it. A whisper of hope. Joy at a laughing baby. Patience and endurance when I am ready to give up. I may not know what I am waiting for or when it will come, but I don't wait alone.
Two: I get to Trust God with my Heart.
It says in the bible "Trust the Lord with all your heart". I used to think that meant that my trust should come from my heart and be complete, like when I tell someone that I love them with all my heart! Fully! Like I can't love them any more. But now I think it means that I should trust God with my heart. Because He lives in it. He doesn't need me to remind him of my dreams and desires. He pulls up a pillow and sleeps next to them. He hears my heart's cries. Brokenness. Joy. Overwhelming happiness. Expectations. He hears my dreams and desires as clearly as he hears my heart beat. I get to trust God with my heart by giving it to Him. Giving Him my dreams…fears…doubts…cares. Knowing He cares for them and about them.
Three: If I keep seeking God first, He will give me my heart's desires.
Surely as I continue to seek God's heart, He would have changed my desires if they weren't from him and weren't part of his plan for me. But they haven't. They have strengthened. And through them…using them…God has taken me on a faith journey. He has taught me how to wait. How to give him control. Trust. Hope. Obey. As much as I want my desire - waiting, trusting, hoping, obeying…shows that I am putting God's kingdom first in my life. And his word promises to bless that!
Four: God speaks to me.
His word promises that He does. Sometimes His voice get muddled in with my voice. Sometimes I might take it and run with it and mix in my own interpretations and timing and presumptions. And of course then get confused and discouraged. But He does speak to me. So I need to keep being still and listen. Listen to his voice in the waiting. And to be honest, just knowing that the devil so often makes me doubt by whispering (as he did to Eve) "Did God really say that?" makes me all the more confident He probably did!
Five: God Never Fails.
He never has before. In the craziness of storms, it can feel like it. But as I look back over my life there has never been a time that I can say "yeah wow, God never came through there". With jobs. Places to live. Flatmates. Finances. Boys. Family. His hand has so clearly been on my life. So why, with the very thing that my human heart holds dearest…the dream my heart cries for the most…why would I presume God would fail me now? Yeah sometimes when He answers it looks different to how I expected. But He doesn't fail. It's not possible.
Six: God can do Anything.
Miracle after miracle after miracle. From real stories in the bible to testimonies of people's current lives, miracles are real. God doesn't live in a box of our ability and reality. He can and does do whatever HE knows is best, whatever that takes. However I have to remember that He might not do for me what he did for someone else. I can't try to fit my life into their story. It doesn't work. Because He has written me my own story. And yes it's hard when we don't see how the next chapter starts. But we can trust the author who is writing our story. Like any good author, there will be twists. And unexpected turns. And things that take our breath away. Because NOTHING is impossible for God. And knowing His love and promises - it WILL be beyond my wildest dreams.
Seven. God does guide my path.
But this doesn't mean He shines a bright spotlight over it. Sometimes it will be clear where to walk. Sometimes He will guide my gut, through feelings of peace or lack of. Sometimes I will stumble. Other times He asks me to close my eyes, listen for His quiet whisper, and take a step that makes no sense. Or is scary. Or uncertain. But if my heart, like a compass, simply keeps searching for Him - He won't let me get off track. There might be some occasional detours. But He will bring me back on track and keep taking me forward into all that He has planned.
So…I might see an empty horizon. And feel like I have waited forever! I might be experiencing the uncertainty of Joshua's "perhaps" (1 Samuel 14.6) in knowing there are no guarantees. But yet I choose to trust God. Because that's what faith is! Trusting when I don't have all the answers. Blind trust that doesn't rely on sight, only seeing the blank canvas ahead. But I can trust that my story isn't yet finished…
