A whisper of Grace

So...twice this week I found myself negotiating with God. Trying to convince God why He needed to bless me and give me what I want. Being a single girl...who has given up my whole life to follow God and build His House, I of course told him that therefore He needed to find me a husband. Like...now. Because I am sick of waiting, and I feel like I deserve that. And then also this week I really injured my shoulder. Mostly from sitting on my computer all day doing church stuff, and carrying heavy things all over the city for church, and carrying all my stress in my shoulders...so I told God that He needed to heal me, because essentially it was His fault that my shoulder hurt. Yep...I went there. Talk about arrogant...self centred...prideful...and overall stupidity.

But God...in his amazing love and grace didn't kick me in the butt. Instead He whispered into my heart "No...I will give you a husband and heal you because I love you. So stop serving me and building my house and go home, if that's the only reason you are doing it. Because I will give you all those things anyways. Just because I love you"

Oh man...the tears are flowing again as I still feel his grace resonate in my heart. Not because I deserve it. Not because I have earned it. Not because I am this "great and sacrificial person" (insert sarcasm) who gave up my life for God. But because He gave up everything for me.

I was so humbled and overwhelmed by God's love and grace. It reminded me of my favourite definition of grace..."Undeserved blessing". I don't deserve what God pours into my life. The amount of times I stuff up...I will always be in the minuses, if God kept score. But He doesn't. He gives to us from HIS love, and not as a reflection of what we do.

And of course when I put my own selfishness and ego aside...I remembered why I am doing what I am doing. Why I gave up my life in Australia to travel to Uganda and now USA to build his house. Because I am so desperately in love with God. That I want to give him everything. Because He has already given me everything.

He has given me a love that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me forgiveness when I didn't deserve it. He gave me His patience when I was selfish and stubborn. He gave me undeserved blessing and favour. He gave me an eternity of life with God. He gave me freedom...from striving and bondage and my past. He has given me peace, when life seems crazy. And joy, when my heart hurts. He has given me air to breathe, and friends, and family, and safety. He has given me EVERYTHING. Not because of anything that I have done...not because I have earned it or deserve it. But because He sees me. In a city of millions and millions of people...He sees me. And knows me. And loves me. And believes in me. And just like all the "great" people in the bible (like Aaron...who built the golden calf himself, yet God still chose him to be the main priest) who made mistakes, or doubted, or were afraid, or didn't know what to do...I know that none of that takes away from the amazing plan and purpose that God has for my life. And yeah, I will stuff up occasionally....but His plan is bigger than that. His love and grace and forgiveness keeps me on track.

So...I know God will bring the most amazing husband into my life. And heal me. And pour into my life whatever blessings He chooses to. Because He is good. And loves me. Unconditionally.

So I just need to keep giving it all to him. I need to stop trying to figure it out on my own. I need to stop focusing on finding a husband or getting this or that - because although I am not thinking about something all the time, that doesn't mean God doesn't still see it. He still knows the desires of my heart. Even when my mind is quiet, my heart talks directly to God. But I need to keep looking to Him. Keep trusting that He's working behind the scenes, even when I cant see it or feel it. I need to trust that He will open the right door, keep writing the poem of my life, bring the right people into my life...in His perfect timing and way. My striving or obsessing about things doesn't help, and really just gets in the way and stops me doing what I am here to do. What He wants me to do. I need to rest in God. Wait on Him. Not try to bargain or make demands of Him. Trust Him. With everything. Because that's what He's already given me...