A New Day...

Well its been a VERY long time since I found my way here to my blog. So long that I don't even know if it's cool to call it a blog anymore (Yes I watched White House Down). Mostly because I have been walking a pretty tough journey and spending most of my time journalling and pushing into God privately. But something stirred inside me again to go back to writing. Mostly because I love it. But maybe also because HE has things He wants me to share. So…here we go…its a new day…

THE TRUST JOURNEY
I feel like I have spent the last 2 years of my life learning what trusting God looks like. I used to think I knew. When it involved smaller decisions. Or when I always got the answers I wanted. He took me to Africa and NYC and my faith was at an all time high. I would believe Him for something, and it happened. He gave me favour and blessing and open doors and opportunities that could ONLY be from Him. Faith seemed easy, although still scary. But it always worked out, right?

And then it didn't. The visa was denied. I didn't get to go back to where I wanted. Then later, I didn't get to date the boy I wanted. It seemed like my "faith" magic wand was gone. But that's when I started on the journey of REALLY understanding what trust is.

I was once asked the difference between faith, hope and trust. I thought they were the same thing. Just different words for the same concept. But recently I have learnt, in my personal opinion, they aren't. God took me on the journey of trust that involved waiting for Him. Which if you haven't been in that season…RUN. It's hard!!! Like, the hardest thing ever. Because I used to think I was waiting and trusting. Until I got impatient. And "helped God out". And then when it didn't work, I went back to Him in faith and waited til He fixed it. That counts, right? And then He took me on a real journey of making me wait. Like, really wait. NOT being impatient and doing what I felt needed to be done. NOT being in control, but handing it fully to him (which actually felt like I was tearing my flesh…no joke.) NOT doing what I wanted, but obeying Him. Simply…waiting. And I am still waiting, after 2 years.

First I just had faith. Which looking back now means, I knew in my head God could do what I needed Him to do. He could meet all my needs. Nothing was impossible. I knew what the scriptures said and I knew them to be true. But I couldn't figure out how I could have total faith…yet no hope. I was still filled with despair. Thats when I realised faith and hope weren't the same thing. Sometimes you can know in your head, but not believe in your heart. So then I went on the journey of learning to have hope. And its only when you let it all trickle down from your head and into your heart, and you start to believe, can you combine hope and faith to produce trust. The ultimate goal. Letting go. Giving Him FULL control. Because you KNOW He can do it. And you BELIEVE He will. Doesn't mean I still don't have days full of doubt. Or fear. Or wanting to just take back control and force circumstances in my favour. But I don't. I continue to chose to wait. Be patient. Give Him control. To obey when He asks me to wait. And trust Him. Hardest journey ever. But I know the rewards are coming...