My thoughts on Relationships...for the singles...

Well whats the point in having a blog if you don't get to just put your opinion out there, I say. So..I wanted to write a post on relationships. The things I think or have learnt. Some many will agree with. Some they wont. But that's ok. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. That's what makes it an opinion! I dont claim to be an expert. But...here are the top 10 things I have pondered on over my first 30 years.

1. You probably wont marry your childhood crush. When I think back to the boys I have lurved in my life...I cant imagine marrying most of them! What you want in a guy changes as you get older and you figure yourself out...so to all the young'uns reading this...please don't rush to want to "meet the one" and get married. Give yourself time to get to know yourself and figure out what you really want, before you decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

2. Controversial...but I dont think a guy and a girl can be best friends. When I say best friends...I mean hang out one on one all the time, tell each other everything, and...well, be best friends. I have not known ONE occasion when I have observed this in life where one person hasn't fallen for the other. And before you argue and say that your situation was different - how do you know the other person didn't have feelings for you that they never expressed? I don't think its natural for a guy and a girl to be extremely close...I know that I find it very hard to guard my feelings when I spend a lot of time with a guy. So...in my opinion (and on this I am sure many people will disagree)...I think you need to be very careful if you are building a close friendship with the opposite sex. I don't mean you cant be friends with the opposite sex, hang out occasionally, have them in your life. But I know when I do get married...I wont be comfortable with my husband having a best female friend that he hangs out with one on one all the time and tells everything too...because I know that there is an intimacy there that I don't think is natural between a man and a woman who aren't dating/married. But...tha'ts my opinion...and I shall now move along...

3. Its ok to have a list. Now...I think it becomes a problem when you write a list for what you want in your future partner but you become so rigid that you dont give someone a chance. You cant live in a box. You cant be dictated by your list. But...I believe that can take the gold out of different people and situations in your life and use it to figure out what you like and dislike. Work out whats essential, what would be nice but is optional, and what's a complete deal breaker. For me...my list has mostly things about a person's beliefs and character and personality...ok, and also a little about his looks ;o) But I like having a list. It gives me something I can pray and believe for. But not be controlled by. Its all about balance.

4. God does get involved. Obviously this point is for the Christians who want God to be involved. But I dont agree with people who say that God stays out of it, and that we have full control and can choose who we want to marry. I am not saying God forces us to marry someone we dont want...but why would God stay out of it if I ask for His help and guidance?! He helped me find the right job, housemate, chose the right career at university, find amazing friends...why would he then throw His hands in the air and say "sorry...you have to figure out and choose who you marry. Its up to you. Do what you like". Because for me...that just adds WAY too much pressure to my life. And it will mean that I will walk around constantly searching...come to church totally distracted and unable to listen to the preaching cause I am feeling pressured to find a guy! No thanks. I believe that God knows who I am, knows what I want, knows who would suit me...and he brings the right guy into my life and creates a situation where a relationship may develop. Now I dont mean that you can then sit around at home waiting for God to drop "the One" on your doorstep...but I do believe that as you do life and interact with people that He can bring someone into your life. No...I dont believe there is only one. Because we still have free will, or sadly sometimes the person you love dies...and I cant imagine God sitting up there and saying "what?! Sorry...you had your One. I know he made some pretty dumb decisions and has now wrecked his life and abandoned you...but thats not My fault. Bad luck." But I do believe that He positions certain people in our path who would make a great spouse for us. Maybe there is one person who stands out and is more suited than the other...I don't know. But I do believe that if you ask God for His help...and you trust his timing (despite how FRUSTRATING that can be)...he will bring the right person into your life. AND...he can also take the wrong person out of your life, if you trust him to and don't cling to that person. He can rescue us sometimes when we don't even know we need rescuing. Because He sees a bigger picture than we do, and sometimes we just have to trust that.

5. Guys should pursue the girls. Maybe I am old school. But then so is Hollywood...because in most romantic movies, the guy still goes after his girl. I think its because it is the deepest desire of most girls. To have a guy pursue them...romance them...make them feel so beautiful and special. And for most of the guys I have spoken too...thats the way they want it too. It makes them feel like the man to go after the girl. As Judah Smith recently said...most guys dont want a groupie girl, who virtually stalks him to get into his world. Not cool. And yes...us girls have to help out a little. Create some space and availability in our lives to allow a guy to get close. But I want the right guy to come after me. Because if I go after him...I am not being patient, I am possibly going after the wrong guy, I am robbing him of his masculinity...and for me, it will always leave me feeling like I am wearing the pants in the relationship. And maybe some girls want that...but not me. A strong, confident man is definitely on my list...

6. Dont put God in a box. As I said before...you have to be open to the amazingly different way that people can come into your life. Dont rule out anything. Dont rule out meeting someone online. Dont rule out long distance relationships. Dont rule out arranged marriages (if thats your custom). There is no right or wrong way. But..listen to your gut. Do enough time with the person that you see how they react in a crisis. How they act around their friends and family. How they act when they dont think you are watching them. But please listen to your gut. If you have doubts..dont rush into anything. Dont get pressured by your age (or your mum) to marry someone who isnt totally right for you. Being with the wrong person is FAR worse than being single and waiting for the right person. But...the right person may just creep into your life when you least expect it. So...dont live in a box and be controlled by your expectations.

7. Looks do matter. Yes...who the person is and their character is the most important thing. But I think you have to be attracted to them. Now...what you find attractive wont be the same as the person next to you. Which is good...because thank goodness not all guys like super skinny girls, I say!! But...you have to be attracted to the person you are going to marry. Because if you don't, it leaves a door in your mind that the devil can always use to tempt you. You will constantly be comparing your spouse to someone else that you ARE more attracted too, and this isn't healthy and could potentially lead to an affair. So yes...love them for who they are...and in many cases this causes you to love everything about them. But if someone likes you, but you find over time that you need to keep talking yourself into liking them and being attracted to them...don't settle. Its not fair to you or the other person. Pray for a person who takes your breathe away...maybe by who they are, or how they treat you, or their gorgeous smile...but marry someone you cant live without. Not someone you can tolerate living with.

8. Sex is a big deal. Again...this is more aimed at my christian friends, but deep down I think it applies to everyone. For people who aren't Christians...they think its crazy that God tells us to wait to get married to have sex. They think Hes being a party pooper, out to steal our fun. Or just very ancient and out of touch. But I believe that God asks that of us because He knows it will protect us. Sex is a big deal, and often its not until you are on the other side of the line do you realise that. As a Christian, I believe that it affects your soul, it affects your spiritual life, it opens a door into your life for the devil to have a field-day with, and leaves a big empty hole inside you. Some people may deny this...but maybe you can become numb to the feeling after a while. But sex is a intimacy with someone...and you are giving a piece of yourself to them. Sex is like a fire. When its not contained...it can become like a bush fire...spreading and causing damage and destruction. But when its contained, like in a marriage, its powerful and healthy. Gods into sex. He created it. But He knows that it's something powerful, than can bring pain and damage, or love and a deeper intimacy. But yes....thankfully God is a God full of grace, and just like any other sin, he forgives us when we mess up and we ask for it, and restores wholeness and healing. But its a journey I would love to see people avoid at all costs, because its not an easy one and sadly, not everyone makes it back...

9. All we need is love...but being single isnt a disease. My goodness...I hate the look of pity some people give when they hear you are still single. Its like you told them you were dying!! Being single is just a season of life. There are some great advantages with being single. But most of us spend our single season praying desperately for it to end. Looking so far into the future that we get a neck injury, and end up missing the beauty of today. Like the bible says...if you cant be content no matter your circumstances (ie. when you are single), you will never be content. You will date, but be desperate to get engaged. Get engaged but be desperate to marry. Marry but be desperate for kids. Have kids then be desperate for them to leave home! Most of us won't end up being single forever. But relax. Have faith in Gods plan. Be content and thankful for what you do have in life. And don't miss the beauty of today...

10. There isnt one rule for everyone. This is like the disclaimer. I think everyone needs to realise that everyone is different. These things are just my opinion. It might not be yours, and that's ok. There is no rule book that suits all people. Some people believe in "the One"...some think its baloney. Some will think the friendship rule is ridiculous. Some believe that woman should ask men out. And that's all ok. We are created differently. We have different desires, different opinions, different personalities. God made us like that in order to guide us right into where He wants us. So...keep the rules. Throw them out. You decide. But be happy. Never settle. And live a life where your breath gets taken away...at least once...