So I started reading, and it wasn't long before the tears were falling down my face as I read MY thoughts on those pages. The very questions and doubts, the pain and heartache of my journey was mirrored in the author's. Her story is about being barren...my story is about being single and barren. Not because I can't physically have children, but because circumstantially I can't. Which trust me, hurts just as much. She shared her thoughts which seemed to echo mine...
My realisation that I often live expecting to be disappointed. That when blessing comes, its the rarity and will likely soon be replaced with disappointment again.
My belief that those who meet someone and get married and have babies are chosen by God, more loved, and more worthy than me.
My belief that I must be doing something wrong.
My fear that in the same way the US immigration officer all those years ago said "No" to my visa request and shattered my dream despite my faith and hope and perceived calling to NYC, that God was now the same voice of "No" in my life, shattering my dreams all the same.
But then, just as this lady journeyed with God, He also whispered and reminded me of His love and His truth. I know that those statements above are not the truth. They are the doubts and lies that the devil so often and so carefully whispers into my mind.
The devil wants me to believe that I am worthless and forgotten. But that is a LIE! The truth is that I AM called. I am loved. I am worthy. There is no one more loved that I.
The devil wants me to believe that God's plan depends on what I do right or wrong, instead of God's grace (His undeserved and unearned goodness and favour). That is a LIE.
The devil wants me to believe that God is withholding me from my dreams and desires. That is a LIE. Every good thing comes from God. He has a plan and purpose for my life. And his timing is perfect. THAT is the truth.
As it says in the book...Circumstances don't shape me. God did...ahead of time.
God prepares ME just as much as He prepares my future.
And then...the light came on. I finally understood. This season...it's all about relationship. My relationship with God. I am wanting a moment. A breakthrough. My husband to arrive. My new life to start. But when it does - will I just turn away, happy that I now have what I want? Distracted by the gift with no time for the gift giver?
This painful waiting season WAS the gift - the gift of time to develop my relationship with God. Time and pain and loneliness were all the key ingredients that pushed me deeper into Him, over and over and over again, that seeking Him has now become the new normal. I know for a fact I will never be the same again. I have been so focused on getting my husband - I haven't noticed what I have gained. An intimate, personal, true, deep, real and passionate relationship with God the Father. He slowed me down to pull me close. He said "no for now" to have me for himself. God is a jealous God and this was my season for us. He & I. I will never have this again. When my husband and babies come - it will never be like this again. Hours spent sitting on the couch, reading the book He wanted me to read. Journalling and pondering and time thinking about He and I...about Us. This moment right now is what its all been about. Not wasted. Not one tear or moment where my heart was exploding with pain was wasted, as it made me cling to Him like nothing every would. No one else in my life that I was able to cling to except God. He kept me alone to teach me to come to Him alone.
It's like my eyes have been opened and light fills the dark spaces of questions and doubts and confusion. This season wasn't wasted time. It was precious. It was purposeful and perfect. And for that God, I say THANK YOU.
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