The donkey said what??!!

God can speak to us in so many different ways. Today I was reading about how God spoke through a donkey in Numbers 22. This really challenged me to be open about how I can hear from God. Some people expect only to hear from God with their ears, like a loud booming voice from the sky. Some people only think God speaks in whispers, so they need to isolate themselves to hear Him. Some people feel His peace. Some people hear Him through others. Some through the bible. And in the case of Balaam...God used a donkey.

Unfortunately for Balaam...he didnt realise what was happening. He didn't realise it was God. So everytime the donkey saw the angel of God and stopped, Balaam beat the donkey. But then the funniest thing happened. (I love the bible sometimes...it really cracks me up.) This is what it says... "Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth and she said to Balaam "What have I done to you to make you beat me 3 times?". Balaam answered the donkey "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now".

OK...lets just stop for a moment. Balaam tells the donkey that she made a fool of him. IMAGINE how much more of a fool he looks talking to a donkey!!! Anyways...the conversation with the donkey continues...
"The donkey said to Balaam "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?" And Balaam replies "No". Oh thats the hightlight for me!! Not only is Balaam talking to the donkey...the donkey puts him in his PLACE! Bam! Whats a hilarious sight this would have been. But then it says "Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes..."

I kind of get the feeling that up until that point Balaam didnt realise that God was involved in this interaction. I mean...really?! How often does your donkey just start talking to you?! I would have fallen off my donkey at the first word...but Balaam is so mad that he cant even see the situation for what it is. How many times have you been so focused on your situation. So filled with emotion or frustration or confusion that you cant sense God talking to you, right where you are at. Sometimes it might be a closed door that you are angry about. Sometimes someone might challenge you on something and you get offended. Sometimes...like in the famous story, you are sitting on the roof and God sends you a helicopter, but you are so busy looking out for God that you miss Him!

God speaks to us in so many ways. He does speak to us in all the ways I listed at the start. Through a voice, a whisper in our hearts, the bible, other people. Just be open (and use wisdom and discernment, of course) to how God wants to speak to you or reveal himself to you. You might be going through a season where you aren't hearing from God. And yes, those seasons do exist (I think I wrote a blog last year about that...) but sometimes its because you are expecting Him to speak to you only in a certain way. Maybe its the way He spoke to you last time. But sometimes God wants to mix it up a little...to make us keep trusting Him. If everything is how we expect it and we get safe and comfortable in that, our need for faith lessens. So maybe God wants to do it a little different this time. So...be open and ready to hear from God no matter how it may present itself. But let me give you a heads up...if a donkey starts speaking to you, don't bother arguing back!!

Stand in the Gap...

Moses must have been ONE patient man. I mean...seriously, those Israelites were complainers! Whinging, whining and grumbling all day long. I would hope that if I got to see the miracles they saw, and if I got to tangibly see God's clouds and presence like they did, I would live in awe and not complaining! Actually even God got angry at them. And Moses knew it. In Numbers 16:46 Moses tells Aaron to hurry up and make atonement for the people because "Wrath had come out from the Lord; the plague had started".

So rather than saying "OK God...go for it! These people are driving me crazy too!! Knock 'em out" what does Moses do? It says "He stood between the Living and the Dead" (Numbers 16:48). Wow. What a man of God. No wonder God chose him!!

But you know what...God is calling us to do the same with His people today. God needs us to stand in the gap between the people that know and are alive in Him, and those that aren't and are seemingly dead in this world. He needs us to fight for those that are dead inside, and don't know God. How easy it would be to just step aside and let "nature take its course". Spend all our days focused on ourselves and what WE need for God. But God needs us to stand up for those in need. Those who are hungry, lost, hurting...maybe even those who are just living with a sense of "numbness". Who have no sense of the awe and might of God.

I don't know what "standing" for them looks like for you. Maybe its giving a smile to someone. An encouraging word. Food. Shelter. Love. Maybe its writing a blog or a book or a card when God prompts you too, so others can sense His love and goodness. Whatever it means to you...just remember that there is power in standing in the gap. The whole of Israel could have been wiped out by God in one moment had Moses not had the compassion and boldness and willingness to stand between the dead and the living. Now its time to take our stand.

PS. I am not sure that God really would have taken out the whole of Israel. Its hard to know. God's wrath is pretty powerful. But He's also a loving and compassionate God. Maybe it was something that Moses had to sense in order to stir something inside of him. To trigger the response God needed him to have. Just food for thought...

My God, My God...does He forsake me?!

"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me". Most people who have read the bible, or even know anything about Jesus dying on the cross know that this is the last words He said. Jesus' famous last words. Up until recently I just assumed that Jesus was talking to God. That He has taken on the world's sins and was now separate from God, and He was crying out about this.

But you know...that doesn't sit right with me. How can we read in the bible that God is a forgiving God. That He promises to "never leave us, and never forsake us" if here he was, abandoning his own son at his greatest time of need.

But lucky, as a recent preacher taught me, that's not exactly the end of this story. As I learnt, back in the bible days, they didn't have the luxury of saying "hey, you know what it says in Psalm 22". They didn't have chapter and verse numbers. Often they used the first sentence of the chapter as a way of referencing for people to know what they were talking about. So if I said "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth", everyone would know I was talking about Genesis 1.

So what I didn't notice until this preacher pointed it out is that Psalm 22 is referenced in the bible as linking to where Jesus says these famous last words. And if you turn to Psalm 22, how do you think it starts? Yep..."My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me". Psalm 22 then goes on to to in a sense to prophesy about what Jesus would go through. That yes, maybe to Jesus God felt silent as He was taking on the consequences of the WHOLE world's sin. Yet that Jesus still trusted God. That He knew that people cry out to God and are saved. That they trust Him and are not disappointed. That although Jesus would be mocked and insulted...Jesus would still trust God, and that He knew God would rescue Him. That although they pierced his hands and feet, took all his clothes..."He had NOT hidden his face from him, but had listened to his cry for help" (verse 24). That because of this all of the world would rejoice, would remember and turn to the Lord. That future generations would be told of the Lord.

So no...Jesus wasn't crying out to God because God had forsaken and abandoned him. He was crying out to the people, to remind them of Psalm 22...and to remind them that God never leaves us, always hears out cry, and that Jesus knew was he was doing would set the world free.

To me...that makes the story have a MUCH more powerful ending. And it reminds me of God's promise never to forsaken or leave us. If He still heard Jesus' cry, who at that point had more sin on him than any of us ever can...how much more will He always hear our cry. God never leaves us. If you feel like God has moved away from you....stop and look around, and you will quickly realise that its you that moved. God is still listening to your cries. He never stops. He is just waiting for you to come back to Him.

It wasn't my idea...

In Numbers 16: 28 Moses says "This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea"...and then the earth splits open and swallows up a whole bunch of people, just like Moses said it would. This verse really reminded me that my life should be a reflection of God's miracles and testimony, and not of my striving or effort.

As I am on the journey of figuring out visas and where my life is about to go, I need this reminder. It would be so easy to run ahead and try to figure things out, and make them happen in my own strength. But I don't think that's how God wants it to happen. I think that...He wants my life, and your life, to be a testimony of His plans. Which can sometimes mean that things happen at the last minute. Well, last minute according to OUR timing and stress levels. But perfect according to his timing.

I am reminded how I wanted to tell one of the pastors back home that I was leaving to go to Africa and USA. I wanted to tell him because I respected him, and wanted that accountability and "release", in a sense. But I couldn't seem to get to tell him. I never saw him. None of my emails worked. It just seemed like it wasn't going to happen. And just when I made peace about that on the last night before I was leaving...God allowed me to walk through the same doorway as him at the same time. Perfect timing. Perfect opportunity. Some people might think it was just a "coincidence", but I don't believe in coincidences. Not when they happen ALL the time, in God's PERFECT timing, and PERFECT way. For me, that moment was a very clear revelation that what seemed like last minute was in fact God's perfect timing and planning. That He doesn't forget. And He is never late. And that what is important to me is also important to Him. A lot of revelation from one simple doorway conversation, hey? That's how I know it wasn't a coincidence.

So...again I now stay on the journey of trusting God with my visas. Trusting Him to show me how He wants everything to happen. And even when it feels late, it wont be. It will simply show that "the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea".

The Cloud

So in my one year bible I have been plodding along through Numbers. Not the most exciting of books, mind you...but today I was reading Numbers 9:15-23. In summary, it says "On the day of the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony was set up, and the cloud covered it...Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; whenever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped...When the cloud remained over the Tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the Lord's order and did not set out...Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month, or a year, the Israelites would remain in the camp and not set out; but once it lifted, they would set out".

This passage reminded me that there are seasons in our life where it feels like we are on the move...really moving forward and feeling change and direction in our lives. And yet there are other times where it feels like we are stuck and not going anywhere!

Both seasons bring their challenges. When you are moving, like it feels like I have been doing over the last 6-9 months, its fantastic. You feel growth and freshness and new beginnings in life. As the wind blows through your hair, you can feel the stale cobwebs fly away as new adventures or experiences enter your world. Whether its a new job, a new country or a new relationship...its exciting to feel like you are moving forward. But...change can also be scary. It can take a lot more trust when it feels like you are on the move, yet you have no idea whats around the next corner. It can be hard to not know when the adventure will stop. It can be challenging when many things change at once and you lose your sense of stability. Sometimes it can even be exhausting and you may feel like you just want to stop and process whats happened and sit still for a while.

And then before you know it, "the cloud" settles and you stop. And this season can also be challenging. Yes, there is consistency and predictability which can be comforting. And if you are enjoying your life, it can be nice to have things pleasant and the same for a while. But then...its also hard when you feel like you want to move forward but you cant. When your impatience starts and you feel like blowing the cloud to get it moving. When it feels like you have camped so long that you wonder if maybe the cloud got stuck up there!

But God knows the importance of seasons. Sometimes, He wants us to keep moving, even when we are tired. He wants us to enjoy the new experiences and opportunities He is bringing us. But sometimes He calls us just to stop and wait. Maybe its to give us rest. Maybe its for protection because we don't know whats ahead and we aren't yet ready. Maybe its to teach us patience. But whatever the season....it will change soon. No season lasts forever. So don't fight it. Stay obedient, and don't be tempted to sit when the cloud is moving, or sneak out from under it and run whilst its settled. Just be patient and wait for Gods guidance and timing.

A whisper of Grace

So...twice this week I found myself negotiating with God. Trying to convince God why He needed to bless me and give me what I want. Being a single girl...who has given up my whole life to follow God and build His House, I of course told him that therefore He needed to find me a husband. Like...now. Because I am sick of waiting, and I feel like I deserve that. And then also this week I really injured my shoulder. Mostly from sitting on my computer all day doing church stuff, and carrying heavy things all over the city for church, and carrying all my stress in my shoulders...so I told God that He needed to heal me, because essentially it was His fault that my shoulder hurt. Yep...I went there. Talk about arrogant...self centred...prideful...and overall stupidity.

But God...in his amazing love and grace didn't kick me in the butt. Instead He whispered into my heart "No...I will give you a husband and heal you because I love you. So stop serving me and building my house and go home, if that's the only reason you are doing it. Because I will give you all those things anyways. Just because I love you"

Oh man...the tears are flowing again as I still feel his grace resonate in my heart. Not because I deserve it. Not because I have earned it. Not because I am this "great and sacrificial person" (insert sarcasm) who gave up my life for God. But because He gave up everything for me.

I was so humbled and overwhelmed by God's love and grace. It reminded me of my favourite definition of grace..."Undeserved blessing". I don't deserve what God pours into my life. The amount of times I stuff up...I will always be in the minuses, if God kept score. But He doesn't. He gives to us from HIS love, and not as a reflection of what we do.

And of course when I put my own selfishness and ego aside...I remembered why I am doing what I am doing. Why I gave up my life in Australia to travel to Uganda and now USA to build his house. Because I am so desperately in love with God. That I want to give him everything. Because He has already given me everything.

He has given me a love that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me forgiveness when I didn't deserve it. He gave me His patience when I was selfish and stubborn. He gave me undeserved blessing and favour. He gave me an eternity of life with God. He gave me freedom...from striving and bondage and my past. He has given me peace, when life seems crazy. And joy, when my heart hurts. He has given me air to breathe, and friends, and family, and safety. He has given me EVERYTHING. Not because of anything that I have done...not because I have earned it or deserve it. But because He sees me. In a city of millions and millions of people...He sees me. And knows me. And loves me. And believes in me. And just like all the "great" people in the bible (like Aaron...who built the golden calf himself, yet God still chose him to be the main priest) who made mistakes, or doubted, or were afraid, or didn't know what to do...I know that none of that takes away from the amazing plan and purpose that God has for my life. And yeah, I will stuff up occasionally....but His plan is bigger than that. His love and grace and forgiveness keeps me on track.

So...I know God will bring the most amazing husband into my life. And heal me. And pour into my life whatever blessings He chooses to. Because He is good. And loves me. Unconditionally.

So I just need to keep giving it all to him. I need to stop trying to figure it out on my own. I need to stop focusing on finding a husband or getting this or that - because although I am not thinking about something all the time, that doesn't mean God doesn't still see it. He still knows the desires of my heart. Even when my mind is quiet, my heart talks directly to God. But I need to keep looking to Him. Keep trusting that He's working behind the scenes, even when I cant see it or feel it. I need to trust that He will open the right door, keep writing the poem of my life, bring the right people into my life...in His perfect timing and way. My striving or obsessing about things doesn't help, and really just gets in the way and stops me doing what I am here to do. What He wants me to do. I need to rest in God. Wait on Him. Not try to bargain or make demands of Him. Trust Him. With everything. Because that's what He's already given me...

Poor old Pharaoh....

I often wondered why, in Exodus 4-15, God kept hardening Pharaoh's heart. I always felt a little sorry for him...thinking "he never stood a chance!!". But after reading it over the last few days, I have come to realise...as always...that there is more to this story.

The Israelites had been in Egypt for 430 years. Many generations had passed since the days of Joseph, and possibly even the stories of him weren't being passed on any more. Even the new Pharaoh didn't know about Joseph. On both sides, I suspect that there was little respect for or fear of God. I am sure the Israelites were discouraged, feeling purposeless and empty. So I suspect God wanted to do something big...

Moses repeatedly went to Pharaoh and asked him to release the people...but when God hardened his heart, God brought curses and suffering on the Egyptians. However...the Israelites were always spared. Now...lets think about how this would look through the eyes of everyone..

Firstly...through the Israelites' eyes. Here was UNDENIABLE evidence that there was a God who cared about them. Probably answering the doubts of many of their hearts. It says in Exodus that when Moses first told the people of God's plan "they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and cruel bondage". For 430 years they had been slaves, and recently, been treated worse than ever before. They probably had lost faith in God...wondered what the point was. Yet...now they were seeing God show up. They would have started to realise that God HAD been hearing their prayers. Realise that He did care about them! I mean, it would have been amazing just seeing the destruction that Moses could cause with God's power, but tangibly seeing God's protection and blessing in the face of such destruction...that would have brought awe amongst the people. Possibly allowed their hearts to soften also, and their faith and prayers to increase. If it was one miracle, it would have been cool. Two...yeah, pretty amazing. But watching miracle after miracle...this was evidence of God's MIGHTY hand. It would have been such a turning point for the Israelites, to get them ready for the journey they were about to go on with God.


Secondly, Pharaoh's magicians and officials. Initially...they probably weren't that impressed.  They could make their sticks turn into snakes too. Turn the Nile into blood...no worries. Frogs...easy! But by the fourth miracle, it says "when the magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, they could not...The magicians said to Pharaoh 'This is the finger of God". So...imagine for one second if God hadn't hardened Pharaoh's heart, and stopped at one or 2 miracles. Then the eyes of the magicians would not have been opened. In the end...they were all begging Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. They were fully aware of the power of God, and they were afraid. And although the bible doesn't talk about it, it makes me wonder what God did in some of their hearts...

Thirdly, the Egyptian people. They had been living the good life. They had had these great servants for 430 years, who I am sure worked pretty hard. They were recently given permission to work them even harder! Life was good. Maybe they were vaguely aware of God, maybe not. But....oh, they were about to become very aware. Like the Israelites, they were witnesses to God's miracles time and time again. However, unfortunately, they were on the other side of the miracles. They would have seen how God protected those He loves. And in the end, they urged the Israelites to hurry and leave. Because of what they had seen, they were in no doubt of God's power and presence. And again...I wonder how God used this to speak to the hearts of some of the Egyptians...

And finally...poor old Pharaoh. I know, I shouldn't be such a softy, but I am. He kept wanting to let the people go, but then God would harden his heart and he would change his mind. Such an important player in this story. I guess though...God may have been hardening his heart towards the Israelites, but was this because Pharaoh kept his heart hardened to God? Throughout all of this, I don't get the impression that Pharaoh really changed in his respect or awe of God. Its sad really...and I guess it shows the danger of pride and arrogance in someone's life.

So...I think from all this, I was again reminded that God works behind the scenes in ways we don't realise. God needed this to be big. I mean...HUGE. God wanted to remind the Israelites of His love, His power, His protection and blessing, in a way that allow them to return to trusting Him, and in a way that would be remembered and passed on for many generations to come. But I like to think that maybe God also had the hearts of the Egyptian officials and people in mind. I don't know what happened to them. The bible doesn't talk about some great Egyptian revival. And it was back in the days where God was seen as quite exclusive - certainly not for everyone. But, as we know today, that's not the heart of God. God IS for everyone. He loves us all and wants everyone to have the opportunity to get into relationship with Him. So...who knows, maybe more happened in people's hearts back then than we will ever know.



Don't be like the Israelites. They saw these amazing miracles....witnessed something we cant even comprehend...and a few days into the desert, they were grumbling and complaining again. And God kept testing them, because He knew the condition of their hearts. He knew that they still didn't yet trust Him. Weren't ready to let go of their independence and fully depend on Him. They tried to collect more Manna than God told them too. Tried to go out on the Sabbath despite God telling them there would be nothing there as he wanted them to rest. He wanted to supply all their needs, and give them rest...but they couldn't let go. Couldn't fully trust Him, despite what they had just witnessed. But thankfully...God is patient and keeps working with His, slowly shaping our hearts in the process.

The God of Moses is the same God we have today. The God of the impossible. The God of miracles. The God who, if you love and trust Him, will protect you, provide for you and bless you. But we have a role too. We have to stop the hardening of our hearts. We have to stop the grumbling and complaining, including when we don't get our own way or when things don't arrive as quickly as we want them. We might be "starving or thirsty" like the Israelites were, but we have to learn to trust that God will never leave us or forsake us. He wont set us free and then abandon us to fend for ourselves. He wants to get us to a place where we fully dependant on Him. Where we stop striving to keep our independence. Where we realise that there is no greater sense of freedom than handing everything over to God, and trusting Him. Sometimes, we may not realise what Hes doing, as He might be behind the scenes...but trust Him. Trust that there is more going on than you realise. Trust that He sees the bigger picture. And...allow yourself to rest in that trust...

New York City...the beginning...

Well I have finally arrived in the Big Apple...New York City. And when people say it moves fast here, they aren't kidding! After 2 weeks here, it already feels like I have been here forever. But here I am...ready to step into my next God adventure.

Before I arrived, a friend warned me that moving to NYC could be tough. Initially staying on different people's floors. Potentially lonely. Many possible nights filled with tears. So it is with that in mind, that as I reflect on my first 2 weeks here, that I am AMAZED at God's hand on this season.


I arrived in NYC...just. The concept of packing light has never been a strong point for me, and I proved this again as I got on the train in Virginia with 4 bags. The rule for the train was essentially that "you could bring them if you could carry them". Well...I was certainly going to give it a good go. But as the train was approaching Penn Station in NYC...I realised that I may have over-estimated myself. I managed to get 3 under control, but trying to balance them and access my other suitcase in the storage compartment proved to be a challenge. As the other passengers pushed past me to get off the train, with images of the train doors closing and me being still ON the train clearly in my mind...I started praying! And then, the last lady got off the train...looked back and asked "Do you need any help??" Oh thank goodness!! So my knight-ess in shining armour helped me get my last bag off the train, and then helped me carry them upstairs and into New York. I was then rescued again by my lovely friend Susanna, who I had only just met recently in Uganda....and after a quick dinner, we (all my bags included!!!) were picked up by the family she nannies for and taken home in their beautiful luxury car. I had arrived!!

Since then...I have been blessed to be able to stay with this lovely family while finding my feet in NYC. Most of my days have been spent helping look after the 4 year old boy and two 2 year old twin girls. Talk about cute!! In the meantime...God was bringing another angel into my NYC world! My friend (and soon to be flatmate) Janelle and her boyfriend Ian arrived in NYC a few days after me, and I have never met such efficient people!!! Less than a week after they arrived...they had both found apartments (including where I was going to live), and started to arrange all the furniture and things needed, including a bed for me!! Holy Smoke! I couldn't have asked for anything better. Such a God blessing. Here I was, moving to this huge, crazy city, worried about where I would stay initially, and then live long term, and how I would arrange it all...and God blessed me with such amazing people who made the whole process a breeze!!

And then....after a week here, I finally got to go to Hillsong church NYC!! After not getting to attend a Hillsong church since September last year, I was so excited to be "back home". But nervous. About whether it would feel the same as Sydney. Whether it would feel like family. Whether I would make any friends, or would everyone be these 5th Ave supermodels that I couldnt relate too. But after a few emails before the day, I arrived at church on Sunday...and stepped into my new home. I loved it. Everyone was SO welcoming. The leadership there have already entrusted me to join the key team and help build the church, and that night everyone was so friendly and warm, helping me somehow find my feet and keep running all at the same time. As I stood there, I was reminded of the feeling that I had at conference in July. The awareness of my potential with God...and a deep desire to step up and be all He has called me to be. Like Esther...to allow everything I have learnt and done so far to be used for "such a time as this". Yes...its scary. But as I stood in worship and sang "Because You're with me...I will not fear", I found my trust and faith growing again. Which seems impossible, as it has grown so much already since this journey began. But...more than ever before, I am aware of my dependence on God.
I cant make my savings last...but with His help and miracles, I do not fear. I have been blessed by Emad and his family, found some amazingly cheap bargains, and had a God miracle on the rent for our apartment.
I cant build the events team at church without God. But already I feel his wisdom and ideas guiding me, plus the help of some amazing friends back home.
I still dont know where this season will lead...or how long it will last...but for the first time ever, I can feel God so tangibly, that its impossible to fear. He is opening doors, making a way, guiding me and blessing me. Its the biggest stretch season of my life....with lots of challenges ahead, but my faith is growing at an even faster rate.

I am reminded of where it talks in the bible about seeking God's kingdom first, and how He will then add everything you need to your life. If ever that felt like a nice little notion, those days have gone. Now it feels like a reality. How can God not bless those who seek after Him with everything? And of course that doesn't have to look like my journey. It can be equally as real to those working hard in standard jobs, or raising kids at home. Seeking after Him is...about having a deep passionate desire in your heart. For God. For His People. For His House. Its about letting go of all the "things" that we cling to, that we think are going to make us feel safe and happy. But they don't. He will supply all of our needs, if we simply let go and trust Him. And that is the scary, but exhilarating journey I am on. If someone would have said to me a few years ago that I would be living in NYC, having given up work to volunteer and build His house, live on savings... I would have laughed. The stress of figuring out how that would even be possible would have done my head in. But now...I am loving NOT having all the answers. Not knowing exactly where the doors will take me. Not knowing how it will all happen. But having an unshakable faith in the One who does.

I don't know if my story will ever encourage anyone else. I certainly don't recommend doing such a crazy journey unless you knew it was from God. But I do know...that one day, as I may find myself sitting back in a normal job, in whatever town or city I will be living in....I wont be the same. My faith will never shrink back to thinking I have to have all the answers. That I have to strive and fight to hear from God and try to figure it all out on my own. I have learnt to listen for his voice. To seek his peace. To be willing to stop and wait if I don't hear it. And to step away from the crowd...and be the brave one who steps out of the boat. Yes, I will go through times where I look at my circumstances, start to panic and sink a little. But this journey has shown me, tangibly, the goodness and faithfulness of God. So I know I wont sink far. I will lift my head again. Look to Him. Remember how nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing. Remember how He filled my life with miracles and blessing and joy and peace and freedom, at the time that I gave up my life for Him. And remember that if we seek after Him...desperately and passionately desire a deeper relationship with him...then He will never let us down.

So...what does NYC hold for me now?? Guess we all have to wait and see...

Are we there yet???

So my amazing friend Nicole got me a "One year bible" for Christmas this year (well...last year technically). After being a strong Christian for well over 10 years...it was funny to think it was the first one I had ever owned! But I was kind of looking forward to it, seeing as I have to admit - I am one of those Christians who tends to skip over most of the Old Testament (I mean, come on...do I have to know the names of EVERYONE in everybody's family over 400 years?!). So I knew that this would be a good challenge to read a little of the Old and New Testaments every day, plus Psalms and Proverbs. A bit of a tasting plate, as one of my lovely senior pastors would say.

So...on day 5...I am sticking nicely to it! OK OK, I know its only day 5...but still...I have already managed to read everyone in Adam and Eve's initial family tree! But I guess the thing that has really stuck out to me is the concept of patience.
(However on a quick side note, I loved reading in Matthew 1:17 where it says "There were 14 generations in all from Abraham to David, 14 from David to the exile of Babylon, and 14 from the exile to the Christ". It became so clear to me how that was not a coincidence. That God had planned ALL of those generations right from the beginning. And how...unless someone took the time to record all those many names...we would never have seen the perfection of God's plan in that. Anyways...back to my point...)

I know I have talked about the concept of patience a few times in previous entries in this blog, and I came across it again today with Noah. You read verses that say "...and 150 years later, it happened".  Or in the case of Noah...it went a little like this: In about February (or equivalent)...the rains started. It then rained for 40 days (a month and a half). The floods then lasted for 150 days (or 5 months). Then the ark rests on the mountain. However, its then another 3 months before the tops of the mountains become visible. THEN 40 days later Noah sends out the first bird, which comes back empty handed (or beaked...sorry. Lame joke, I know). After several more attempts over 2-3 weeks, the dove finally doesn't return. By then...the bible says its the equivalent of January the following year. However...that's not all. It says that the ground isn't then dry until the 27th of February...almost another 2 months of waiting. And FINALLY...God says "come on out of the Ark". Whoa! I mean...I love my family, but spending 12 MONTHS locked up in a boat with them and way too many smelly animals...it would be enough to send me CRAZY! But before now...I had simply thought -- yep, Noah goes into the boat, it rains, it stops, and he gets out. Oh no. It was so not that simple or quick. It was OVER A YEAR!

In our day in age, its so easy to get impatient. We want things now. Or yesterday. We don't want to have to wait. Quick and fast is the key to everything. Yet you read Noah's story. Or about Elizabeth and Sarah having to wait years and years for God to bring them their promise of a child, and you realise that waiting is such an important part of our Christian journey. I feel like its such a theme over my life at the moment (Oh yay. I know. Awesome.). All I want to do is rush ahead...rush into my future and all that God has planned. I am sick of waiting. Sick of being single. Sick of having no kids of my own. Sick of debt. Sick of not knowing what this year will bring. But...patience is all part of the journey. Actually, I think it IS the journey.

Many people get frustrated and give up. They don't want to wait any longer. However I want to be one of those people...that sticks with it. Maybe even when I cant see any results. Maybe even when the ache of what I am believing for is so strong that I cant breathe. Maybe even when I know that there is no guarantees, expect that God loves me and wants whats best for me. I want to be one of the few that stick it out. Of course...I pray more than ANYTHING that I don't have to wait 150 years!! But I also pray for the strength and perseverance to wait it out. To stay patient. To keep believing and not lose hope. To not get discouraged. To remember that He works behind the scenes, often when we cant see Him. And to have faith...that God sees me. He sees my dreams and desires. He sees my desire to please Him and wait for His plan. Just like in a world of evil people, God saw Noah. I believe that God sees the 'ones'.

After Noah came out of the Ark, God sent a rainbow as a reminder of His promise. I am just an ordinary girl. But I have an extraordinary God. And I have faith in Him. In His timing. His promises. And plans.  And I know that He will tell me when its time to get out of the ark into all that He has promised and saved for me...

The Puzzle Piece...

As I stand in the doorway of 2011...I wonder whats on the other side. This year feels different. I feel different. I know that I am about to step into a new season. A new beginning. I feel scared and excited. But mostly...I feel a new passion. A passion to serve God like never before. To be all that I can be. Like it talks about in Psalm 42, my heart truly thirsts for God. And if you have ever been truly thirsty, you will know the desperation that that brings.

Its New Years Eve. A time to reflect back over the last 12 months. And also to think about what 2011 may bring. When I started this blog...I wanted to go on an adventure and turn around "365 degrees". To see more of what is out there. But to simply turn 365 degrees can mean that, by the end, you may have seen more, but you may still be the same size. But...after only 4 months, I have realised that I will never be the same size again. 

It makes me think about a message that I heard recently about being a puzzle piece. About how we are each an important and unique piece, which without us, the big picture would never be completed. But that also, through the big picture, we find our place. Our purpose. Where we fit.

As I look back over my last 12 months...actually over my last 10 years...I feel like I knew exactly where I fit. My puzzle piece was in its place, and I knew my purpose. I was content. But 2010 was a life changing year. It felt like...I stepped out of my puzzle. Just to look around. To see what else was out there. But in the process...I changed. I feel deeper in love with God. My desire to serve Him in whatever He called me to grew. My faith deepened. I fell in love and had my heart broken. I went to Africa and had my heart, mind and perspective changed forever. I am more passionate to see my friends and family saved and living free. My desire to be married and have a family, to impact my next generation, grew. I still love Australia. Still love my job. Love my church and friends at home. But I feel like I am not the same shape any more. I am bigger. Deeper. Altered forever. And now I am not sure if I will just "fit" back into my old puzzle anymore.

So...as I look forward to 2011, I realise that my journey will now also be about discovering where I fit. Maybe its finding a new puzzle. Ending up somewhere that I never expected, but living out my potential in a whole new way. Realising that my new desires, dreams, passions, stretch and even the desert times were for "such a time as this". Or maybe it will be about going back to my old puzzle, but enlarging my space there. Going back to where I loved, but making a bigger impact. I don't know.

So...standing in the doorway to 2011...I wait. I feel like I want to step through and serve God like never before. However I am thankful that God doesn't see me as His servant. He sees me as His daughter. Which means that He is filled with love, dreams, plans and blessings for me. So no matter where I fit, and whats on the other side of the doorway...I know that it will be better than whats behind me. That the best is yet to come in my life. And I pray that 2011 is filled with God's best. For me...and for you. Happy New Year. 

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What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

So my facebook status today reflected something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about all night. I have been (stupidly!!) doing the Insanity workout DVDs...everyday for 4 weeks. Thank you, thank you...I shall take a bow! They are so intense that I literally think my heart is about to come out my chest. Today Shaun T, the very attractive instructor, says in the middle of the killer workout "I don't want to hurt you...I just want to make you better". And as I then wrote in my status...I realise that sometimes God says the same thing to me.

When I was at university, I had to have an operation near my tailbone. It was because there was a deep infection in there that wouldn't heal. On the surface, you couldn't really see that it was infected...but it was deep and painful. I had to have surgery and get it all cut out...but the interesting thing was that for this type of wound, the doctor didn't stitch it closed. I needed to get it packed so that it could heal properly from the inside out.

There are times in our lives where we get "sick" deep inside. Maybe its unforgiveness. Maybe its jealously. Maybe its loneliness. Maybe its bitterness. But something deep inside of us is painful and just won't heal. We can keep smiling and act like we are ok, but we carry it with us and it grows and grows.

So...sometimes God needs to get that infection out. And it can be a painful process. It can hurt as we are forced to deal with our issues. Face our past. Choose to let things go. But like Shaun said - its not designed to hurt us, but to make us better. Sometimes just stitching up or putting a band-aid on the surface won't fix it...you need to go through a painful process in order to get fully healed.

I once heard a great message talking about buildings. The preacher talked about how if you build a building...but half way through you notice the building is on a lean, you cant just change direction and start building it the other way. Unfortunately you need to knock the building down and go back to the foundations in order to rebuild it properly. The knockdown process hurts. And can be humbling. And defeating. But there is not point trying to ignore it and just keep building, because eventually everything will collapse and fall down. The foundation has to be strong. And often it is...but somewhere along the line we get distracted and maybe stop looking at the Architect's plans, and we get a lean happening. So...it's time to scrape it all away and get back to the foundations, and start again.

These growth times in our lives really can hurt, as we are forced to stretch past whats comfortable. But like a rubber band...after you stretch it, it actually never goes back to the same size. It becomes that little bit bigger. That's like us. If you can make it through the painful stretch times, you will find on the other side that you are bigger and better.

Thirteen long years

So I was reading Genesis 16 and 17 last night, about one of my fav's...Abraham. Genesis 16 is all about how Abraham (at that stage still called Abram) and Sarah doubt God's promise, and get impatient with His timing, so take things into their own hands and have a baby through Hagar, the servant. This chapter ends with "Abram was 86 years old when Hagar gave birth to their son, and he named him Ishmael".

Chapter 17 then starts "Abram was 99 years old when the Lord appeared to him again and said 'I am God All-Powerful. If you obey me and always do right, I will keep my solemn promise to you and give you more descendants than can be counted". Wait a minute...that means 13 years went by!! 13 long years!! 13 years before the Lord appeared to Abram again...wow.

It reminded me again of the danger of when we take things into our own hands. Sarah and Abram rushed before God impatiently, had a baby to another woman...and it all ended in a mess. But on top of that...it sounds like God didnt then appear to Abram for 13 years!! I sometimes get impatient if I dont feel like I have heard from God for a week...but 13 years?

When we rush ahead and dont trust Gods timing and plan, we run the risk of making things take longer than they were supposed to. I guess we will never know whether they could have had their baby sooner had they waited on God. But I do think that they spent the long season in silence...which would have made the waiting seem a heck of a lot longer!!

I am an impatient person. I have dreams and desires in my heart that I want to happen NOW. It seems so easy to run ahead of God and try to figure things out on my own. Put my own plans into play. But the thought of spending 13 years without hearing from God...so not worth it. Besides...my plans would never work out as amazing as God's anyways...so whats the point.

On another note, I am also thankful when I read these chapters that God is a God of second chances. Yep, they stuffed up. But that didnt disqualify them from God's promise. He gave them a second chance, and then blessed them more than they could ever imagine.

When it comes to impatience...I know all about it. But just wait. Wait for what God has for you. If you rush ahead, you actually run the risk of having to wait longer for God's promises in your life. Or worse...silence! Yes you can have a second chance...but isnt it better to just enjoy the first, perfectly planned and timed chance...

The Rock...from Khim

My beautiful friend Khim shared this story with me...and I loved it so much I wanted to share it with those in my world. So enjoy...

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.

So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: “you have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.” Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. “Why kill myself over this?” he thought! “I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.”And that is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

“Lord,” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, using all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?” The Lord responded compassionately,”My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. Now, my friend, I will now move the rock.”

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.

Can sorrow be a gift?

"Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become" 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (Message)

OK...now seriously...who SAYS that? Who seriously loves the hard times that come into their life...let alone faces them with good cheer? Well, I used to think that was impossible. But actually...now...I think it is possible. OK, maybe the 'good cheer' bit is a stretch, but my attitude towards hard times has changed over the last year.

In fact, right now I am going through a hard time. Typical case of heartbreak. If you have been there (and I would love to meet someone who hasn't!) I am sure you can relate to the feeling. That ache in your heart that you can't shake. The sick feeling. The inability to get out of bed. Yep...it would definitely be in the category of crappy times. Like it says above...it feels like Satan is trying to push you over and squash you down.

But...I think I am finally in a place with God where I allow the tough times not to push me over, but instead push me onto my knees and closer to God. Don't get me wrong...the pain is still there. And it hurts. But knowing that its probably these times more than any other that sends me running to my Father. Knowing that I never push into Him as much, depend on Him as much, cling to Him as much as I do during these times...is very powerful. Because it's there that you can truly feel His peace and comfort and stillness, even in the midst of the pain. You can even feel joy, which took me a long time to comprehend. Because, as I may have written before, joy is not the same as happiness. For me, joy is sensing God and his peace and love deep on the inside, even right in the middle of sadness.

I think that Paul was right in Corinthians. I think sometimes, as agonizing as the painful times are...they can be a gift. Because you can never sense God's peace, unless you first feel turmoil. You can never sense His comfort, unless you first feel sorrow. You can never feel His presence, unless you first feel loneliness. You can never feel His strength, unless you first feel empty and weak.

I may not go as far as saying I look cheerfully towards crappy times. I would certainly like to keep them to a minimum in my life! But...they do allow you to experience a depth with God like no other time. I hate what I feel right now...but at the same time, I love how close I feel to God. I love knowing that He is with me during this time. That he hasn't left me. That He is with me every step of the way through this journey.

If you are going though a hard time right now, don't run from God. Yes....you can feel angry with Him. Yell at Him if you need to. But I challenge you to push into Him like you never have before. Give Him all the pain and sorrow and heartache and fear you feel, and allow him to replace them with His peace, strength, love and joy. The circumstances may not change...and there will still be times where your heart still feels like it could explode with pain...but He can take much of the sorrow from you. Trust me...I am speaking from experience! Try it...I dare you...

Click here...Came To my Rescue song (Hillong United)

Unconditional Love

Is the ability to love unconditionally just something that happens when you meet the right person, or is it something that you need to grow in? Maybe its just cause I am human...or maybe I just suck at it...but I really think this is an area I need to grow in, and I am not sure how! And I don't know if I am the only person in the whole world that feels like this...

I mean, I know we are all selfish. I certainly am. Its easy to feel like the whole world should exist to make ME happy. And I fight so hard not to be like that. I want to desperately care for others' needs more than my own. I want to desperately give to others all that I have, if it will make them happy. I want to desperately love everyone that crosses my path, although that certainly can be a challenge. But loving unconditionally...that's huge. And I am scared I don't know how to do that!?

If I meet someone amazing...I feel like I can always find little things about them that should be changed. Now...sometimes thats ok, because I also want people in my world who love me to be able to help me grow and become a better person in areas that I need it. But it can so easily cross the line into nagging them to death. And...nagging is actually something that the bible repeatedly talks about!! The amount of times in Proverbs that it talks about how bad nagging is is amazing to me. Although...I guess this means that God knew it was a problem (sadly, mostly for woman!!), even 2000+ years ago. If I have learnt anything...its that nagging doesnt work. It can be incredibly destructive to a relationship. So...there has to be a better way.

Imagine a relationship where both people love the other person unconditionally. If both people spend their lives putting their needs to the side, in order to love and bless and please the other person...surely both people win!? If a husband (no stereotype meant) goes out of his way to put the rubbish out, even if he doesn't feel like it, because he knows it will please his wife...then she wont need to nag him. If a wife allows her husband to watch sport on a Saturday afternoon, and even sits down and watches it with him, even if she doesn't really want to, and makes the effort to enjoy it...I wonder if the love will just naturally start to grow between them more and more?

So what can I do people? How can I learn to love unconditionally? Is it some magic thing that just happens when I meet Mr Right? Or...maybe its something I need to keep practicing everyday. From NOW. I suspect its not an instant thing. I think, like anything, its something that takes practice. Really learning to be that living sacrifice and put my needs/wants/opinions to the side, and put someone else's first. Accept that noone is perfect (CERTAINLY not me) and therefore, just as Christ chose to love me with all my faults...learn to look beyond the superficial imperfections and love the depth of the person inside. Choose not to point out someone else's mistakes, but encourage them instead. And keep seeing the potential in them. Actually go out of my way to do things that I don't really want to do, because it will make someone else happy.

Unconditional love is hard. But all good relationships (especially marriages) need it to be at the centre of the relationship. So...I guess I better start practicing now...

From the world of Joyce...

So...I found this in my email today. I think it is a blog from Joyce Meyer...but I
loved it so much I wanted to put it here for others to read. So...Enjoy!

"I've learned something in my own pursuit of a stress-free life: If I want peace
rather than the pressure of stress in my life, I must choose to seek direction
from God in every situation. Our God is a God of peace. He'll always lead us
toward peace and joy, not anxiety and frustration. Therefore, we have to be
listening for His voice. By following His voice, we can find peace and
overcome the stress that so many are dealing with today.

To find peace in our lives, we simply need to obey the
promptings God gives us each day. A prompting is a "knowing" deep down
on the inside, telling us what to do. First Kings 19:11,12 refers to this knowing
as a still, small voice. A prompting isn't a whack on the head with a hammer!
In 1 Kings, the Lord didn't use the great and strong wind, the
earthquake or fire to prompt Elijah. His voice came to Elijah as a sound
of gentle stillness and a still, small voice. A prompting doesn't even
have to be a voice at all. In fact, God often gives direction by
speaking to your heart rather than to your ears.

Since a prompting is very gentle, some might question whether or not
it's from God. When you're unsure about a prompting, it's often easy to
ignore it. One time after I had been shopping at the mall for three or
four hours, I sensed that God was saying, "You need to go home now." I
had only purchased half of the eight items on my shopping list, so I
ignored the prompting and kept on shopping.

The remaining items on my list weren't immediate needs. But, like many
determined, goal-oriented people, I wasn't about to leave that mall
until I purchased every item on my list. I had come for eight items, and
I was going to leave with eight items! I didn't care if I had to be
dragged out of that mall; I wasn't leaving until every item was crossed
off my list! And I wasn't going to listen to any voice that said
otherwise.

I remember reaching the point of being so tired and upset that I wasn't
able to think clearly. All I wanted to do was finish shopping and get
out of there. It was almost more than I could do to remain civil to the
other shoppers and clerks in the store. I was stressed out!

Looking back, I can't remember how many times I've done that-stress out
because I've pushed beyond the prompting of the Lord. I can always tell
I've gone too far when I'm not able to practice even the most basic
manners-politeness, kindness and self-control. If I simply had obeyed
the prompting of the Lord when I heard that still, small voice telling
me to go home, I would've easily relieved the stress from the situation.
Instead, I pushed my way through in my own determination to achieve my
goal, and I ended up bringing stress on myself and everyone around me.

If we'll simply learn to listen to God and do what He says, we'll
discover that things will go well for us. No matter what the situation,
we need to listen to God and obey His voice. Proverbs 3:6 states: In all
your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and
make straight and plain your paths. You may not understand the reasons
that God is asking you to do certain things, but as you listen to His
voice and obey His direction, you can experience a peaceful calmness as
your stress level begins to decrease. So listen up...and de-stress!"

The Wilderness Times...

I was listening to a message by Joyce Meyer today (www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/Broadcast/ ...totally recommend her website, if you dont already watch her!!) and in one of her messages she talked about the Israelites in the wilderness. She said that all of the time spent in the wilderness was to train or teach them in warfare, and to allow them to get to know who they were and who God was. So that by the time they arrived at their destination...they were ready.

And it made me think...do I see my time in the wilderness as having any purpose, or do I just see it as killing time between places/circumstances? People talk about doors closing and other doors opening...but not many people talk about the corridor time in between.

If you feel like you are in a bit of a wilderness season...when you are waiting for the next door to open so you can get out of this corridor...stop for a second and ask yourself what God might be trying to teach you. These seasons can be so vital to teach you character skills that you need when you reach the other end of this journey.

If you are being trained in warfare, then you would need to wear some protective gear. And I think that often the lessons He is teaching us is how to put on that armour. In Ephesians 6: 14-17 it talks about the Armour of God, which involves Truth, Righteousness, Readiness, Peace, Faith, Salvation and the Word of God. I think that during my times of Wilderness...these are always areas that I need to grow in. Learning to recognize the Truth from my emotions, doubts or little lies the devil whispers in my ear. Remembering how to remain righteousness during times of conflict. Always staying flexible and willing, ready for all that God may bring into my life. Seeking God's peace to calm the storms inside of me. Having Faith in Gods plan and timing even though it can feel like I have been in the wilderness FOREVER. Remembering all that I deserve, but knowing that I don't have to face my punishment because Jesus saved me and chose to take it all. And the Word of God...which I need to keep turning to during the wilderness times, as it is how God can speak to me and teach me.

During tough or wilderness times, there are often 2 reactions. Some people choose to get angry at God. Get impatient. Get bitter. Get tired and stay in bed, feeling sorry for themselves. Grumble and go and seek other options. Whilst others react by pushing into God. They spend time praying, reading, listening to messages, and worshiping even when they don't feel like it. They choose to use the tough times as a way of pushing closer to God, and allowing Him to teach and grow them. Which way do you react?

The tough times are not mistakes. God didnt forget about you whilst He was off blessing someone else. They can actually be critical times in your life where, if you allow Him, God can train you and prepare you for whats ahead. You may not be able to control all the situations in your life, but you can choose to control how you react to them. You can use the wilderness times as simply a way of killing time...or you can use them to grow and become a better person, ready for what lies ahead.

Dont get impatient and settle for the slave woman...

Sometimes...ok, alot of the time, we get impatient with God. We want something...whether its a good paying job, a new house, a husband, or a baby. We want it, and we know as Christians that God wants to bless us. However, often we let our impatience cause us to settle. Instead of waiting for God's promise in His perfect timing, we take things into our own hands and, like Abraham's wife Sarah, we settle for the slave woman Hagar.

Sarah knew that God had promised her her own baby. The dream and desire of her heart. But Sarah, instead of focusing on God and His promise, chose to focus on her circumstances. Her age. She let her emotions be higher than her faith, and she let herself be convinced that having her own baby wasn't possible. It says in Genesis 18:12 that Sarah overhead the Lord tell Abraham that in a years time she was going to have a child...and what did she do? She laughed and doubted that she could have such happiness. Maybe we often settle for less than God's best because we too don't believe that we will be given such happiness. Maybe we settle for what comes along first, and instead of waiting on God and trusting His timing and His blessing, we panic and think we should just settle for what we can see in the immediate.

Now there is a difference between being far too fussy or refusing to even look at what's in front of you because you are waiting for "something better to come along". But when you are believing for something...you must decide how you act during this time of waiting. Do you start to panic and look around at other options? Do you try to take things into your own hands? Don't wait for Gods timing but instead rush into something without having true peace about it? Are you inevitably trying to have your baby through a slave woman like Sarah did, rather than being patient and waiting on God.

I think it was Joyce Meyer who once said that Patience isn't waiting. Patience is how you act WHILE you are waiting. If you are grumbling, complaining, panicking or looking for other options while you wait...you actually aren't being patient. Patience means...allowing God to bring His promises and blessing into your life in His perfect timing, rather than settling for the slave woman.

If you make a choice...God can always bless it and bring out the best in it. God didn't forget about Ishmael, the slave woman's son. But it wasn't His best for Sarah. As for me...I want to wait for God's best. Which sometimes means saying no to the wrong options, as great as they may seem. It means clinging on to your faith in God, when things feel tough or dry or confusing. Staying patient and choosing not to look at your circumstances. Keeping your eyes on God's plan. And not letting your thoughts or emotions get so overwhelming that you cant hear God in the chaos of your mind/life.

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

When it feels like there are a hundred options in front of you, but you don't know which one is right? When you don't know what the next step is? When you can't see past today?

We all have seasons in our life when we feel confusion and anxiety about the future. Sometimes it comes when there has been huge change in our lives. Or at other times it comes when life feels like it has been the same for SO long and you are desperate for change.

My season in Africa has ended...for now. It was an adventure that completely changed my life and who I am. I can honestly say that I have never felt so free and at peace with myself than I did being in that country. Its impossible to explain, but after having your heart stretched and rearranged; your eyes opened and priorities changed...I just felt like the real me for the first time.

But...now I have left Africa, and after a whirlwind visit back home to Sydney...I have arrived in the USA. And so now the next part of my journey continues. But...I dont really know where this journey is going to take me. I dont know for how long I want to stay in the USA. Or whether I want to go back to Africa. Or whether I go home. I dont know what the next step is. And that can feel pretty scary and overwhelming. But I was reminded today that this isn't just a geographical journey for me. Its more about a journey of trust and faith.

I recently reread a great book called The Shack. In it the man character is challenged about where most humans spend their thoughts...which of course is in the future and the past. We very rarely truly live in the present. We miss so much beauty in the today, by worrying about what is to come, or reflecting (or blaming) on what was. Maybe sometimes God gives us seasons where He doesnt tell us what tomorrow will bring. He doesnt yet reveal His plans. He doesnt give us all the answers. I believe that this may mean that, as well as then having to trust Him with our tomorrows, it should allow us to relax and simply enjoy our today. I really want to learn to do what it says in the scriptures about not worrying what tomorrow will bring, as tomorrow will take care of itself. And also where it talks about how worrying doesnt add a single thing to my life. Anxiety and worry is just a tool that the devil uses to make us take our eyes off God. When we worry, we are pretty much saying to God that we don't think He is able to help or manage our situation/concerns. Which we know is crazy, because the bible tells us that nothing is impossible for God.

So...if you are trying to figure out the next step in your life, just stop for a moment. As Ps Brian once said - if you are confused about a decision, then maybe its not the best time to make that decision. So stop worrying or over-analysing (yes, definitely talking to the girls there!). Pray. Trust that at the right time God will give you peace or lack of it, in order to open or close a door. His timing is perfect. He hasn't forgotten you. And He's not sitting around frantically trying to work out what to do because this was unexpected to him. Trust him. And then enjoy the moment. Stop and look around at whats in your hands/life right now. Don't miss it because you are worrying about the future. The future will arrive just at the right time. And if you seek His will and plans, you can be guaranteed you will end up on the right track. Without any of that pesky worry stealing your precious beauty sleep...

Stop trying to figure it all out!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" NIV Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen from God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go. He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume you know it all". The Message

"With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment. Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow" CEV.

Which ever way you say it, God asks us to trust Him. Life isn't always easy. We will regularly be faced with challenges, fears, anxiety, conflict. Sometimes it becomes a spiritual attack, where the devil throws everything at you all at once. You can feel tired and confused and overwhelmed and attacked and alone and...like you are going crazy.

But God asks us to trust him. We need to trust Him with all of our heart. Which means...trust that He knows our desires, our fears, our dreams, our wishes, our plans and our motives. He knows everything about us. So we need to get to a place where we can leave all those things in His hands. We cant trust Him with some of our heart and keep somethings to ourselves to be anxious about. No, it means trusting Him with the little and the big things! And sometimes...the little things are harder to do that with. They seem so small and insignificant to others that you doubt God would care. But if they are important to you, then trust that they are important to God too. So hand him your desires, plans, fears and the desperate cry in your heart. Trust that He hears you. And trust that He cares about you, enough to have made a wonderful plan for your life.

Dont rely on your understanding. As much as we think we know about a situation, we will never see the big picture. We cant truly understand someone else's motives, desires, and the bigger life plan that is happening. We have to learn not to see a small piece of the picture, and presume we know what the whole picture looks like. We don't. That why we need faith. To realise that God sees everything. And he is making decisions that are best for everyone, and not just what you want. You have to know that if He closes a door, then it means that down that corridor there was something that wasn't right for you. And if He opens a door, even one you dont want to walk through, if you step through it in faith, down the track you will see exactly why the door opened and you will be so thankful. That's what God promises. He works behind the scenes, in ways our brains can't comprehend. So Trust him. And DON'T overanalyse and try to figure out everything in your brain. Its impossible. And all you will do is get more stressed and still not have all the answers!!

Listen for God's voice and let Him lead you. If you are stressed and trying to figure out everything on your own, you actually don't make room in your brain for God's voice. It would be like being in a crowded room, and trying to listen to someone whisper on the other side of the room. Its impossible. I think God speaks to us in a "small, quiet voice" because He needs us to stop and lean closer into Him. Sure, sometimes if we are stubborn and aren't listening, He comes and bops us on the head to get our attention. But I think if we can learn to quiet our mind and heart, and lean into God, He will always lead us. Which would save us a lot of headaches! God wants to speak to us. He wants to guide us and show us the best way. Sometimes, yes, He is quiet. This may be because you have been disobedient, and you need to deal with that issue first and get yourself right with God. Or it may be because God wants to develop in you a passionate, desperate need for Him and to hear from Him. But keep listening for God's voice. You may hear it through reading His word. From spending quiet time with Him and listening to what He drops into your spirit. Or it may come through someone else speaking to you. But if you spend more time listening out for God than you do analysing your problem and trying to solve it yourself...then you know you will get on the right path sooner!

He will clear the road ahead and keep you on track. I truly believe that if you keep God's will at the centre of what you want; if you desire His will more than anything selfish...no matter what decision you make, He will keep you on track. He will either bless you if you are heading in the right decision. Or He will block you if not, until you eventually get on the right path. I learnt that recently in my own life. When I was walking down a track purely because I thought He wanted me to be there, but it was the wrong path! However God saw that the cry of my heart was to live out His plan and will for my life, so therefore why would He leave me to walk the wrong way!? No, He closed the door and forced me to reroute...and He put me on the right road. I just had to allow Him to reroute me, without knowing where the new path was! Thats part of the trust journey.

God knows whats best for us. He sees the big picture. He weighs up our desires and our wishes with whats best for us. He makes decisions that are best for us. Sometimes we may not think that at the time, but keep trusting Him, and in my experience, eventually it all makes sense. And don't let your mind and heart be filled with worry. Its simply a waste of emotion, and makes it harder to hear from God. Trust that whatever happens, is because God loves you and He will make it work out for the best.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions [requests] and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life "Phil 4: 6-7 Message

Compassion...

So today I met Gimbo. After 7 years of sponsoring her through Compassion, I finally had the privilege of meeting her here in Uganda. And it became very clear how naive I had been. I guess I just imagined for those 7 years that she was sitting in her little house with her family (ok, so I really thought it was a hut but I didnt want to seem TOO stereotypical!), being nicely supported by the money I was able to give her, writing me letters, and all good in the world. Wow. Today her story broke my heart, and was then healed with pride and love for her.
I learnt that her mother and grandmother both died recently. Which sadly often in Uganda can mean the end of the family. Sometimes the dad goes and gets another wife, and the children are split up between family or abandoned. With Gimbo...noone in her family wants her. And even just writing that brings an ache to my heart. She doesn't know where her siblings are or when she will see them again. Thankfully...she lives in a boarding school, however I am not sure that any fees get paid for her. Not even what I give her can cover them all. The only new clothes she gets comes from the money that I send her for Christmas and her birthday, because usually the family provides them. She doesn't even always have books for school, toothpaste, or a meal other than the beans she gets every day. And I hate beans...so that broke my heart even more!
However...when she smiled...to me she was the most beautiful young woman I had ever seen. She still had such a sense of joy and peace and hope about her. She was kind and gracious and giving. We went to see a widow, who has taken Gimbo under her wing. I gave Gimbo some gifts and groceries that I had bought for her for school. And the first thing she did was to take half the food and give it to this widow. I have everything I need in the world. Plus more. And she essentially has nothing. Yet she gives so freely and generously from the little that I gave her.

Uganda has changed me forever. I knew it would...but today really changed my heart.
What do I find my joy in? Things? Money? Or Love.
What do I do with what I have in my life? Use it selfishly? Or give it away freely.
I think slowly...I am becoming the latter. Hopefully. Money will never own me again. It cant bring you the joy and peace and hope and love that I sensed today. More than ever...I want to be a vessel for what God brings into my life. A pipe...where things flow out of my life and into others, as quickly as God pours blessing into my life.
I want to do more. I want to save them all. Every child that runs up to this Mzungu...I want to change their life too. I want to love and be a mum to all the babies who have been abandoned. I want to be God's hands and feet.
But...I can't do it all. But I can do something. I can keep loving and giving into this one girl's life. Pray that she finishes her studies, and becomes an accountant, like she dreams. That she can then support herself, and then, knowing her generous heart...I am sure that she in turn will support others. Maybe if I just allow my heart to deepen with compassion, and grow even more in love with her (although I am not sure that's possible)...then eventually the love filters down to many others. God's love. And through His love...many lives can be changed.

"What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge?
And what if I had faith that moved mountains?
I would be nothing, unless I loved others.
What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burnt alive?
I would gain nothing, unless I loved others." 1 Corinthians 13: 2-3