Rejection is not a reflection...

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first" John 15:18

I used to read this verse and think that it was God telling us (nicely) to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. If we ever feel rejected by people or hated, we should just deal with it, as we aren't the first person to feel like that, and we certainly won't be the last.

But last night, as I was seeking God in the middle of my season of rejection and heartache, I saw it through new eyes. I felt God comfort me as I processed my feelings, by showing me that He understood. He isn't a distant, far away God who looks down his nose at us as we cry out to Him. He feels what we feel. Jesus came to earth and experienced life as a man.  Fully God, but also fully man. He felt the same emotions and heartache as we feel. Isaiah 53:3 tells us "He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrow, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned out backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care". Acquainted with deepest grief. Not just sadness...but deep sorrow and grief. So in John 15...God is telling us so beautifully "I understand. I know what it feels for someone to reject you. To turn their back on you. To stop caring. I understand how you feel and I care. Because they did it to me too".

God then also revealed to me that rejection is not a reflection of ourselves. It's easy when you are rejected...when someone breaks up with you, or a friendship ends. When you don't get given a role or a promotion. Or you are the last one picked in a sports team. It's easy for us to lose our sense of value and worth by seeing ourselves through the eyes of rejection. We weren't good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Just...not enough.
But Jesus was enough. He was perfect. He was kind and compassionate and strong and wise. He was Love. And yet He was rejected. His rejection had nothing to do with who He was or his value. Which shows that MY rejection is also not a reflection of my value.

Sometimes things end. Doors close. Relationships break up. We lose a job. I know when this happens I am quick to point the finger of blame back on myself. To carry my rejection as a badge of shame. But it doesn't need to be like that. Many times it is God closing a door to protect us. Or to get us out of a place of comfort and force us into something new He has planned for us. Sometimes we never know the reason. And in the midst of it, it's ok to feel heart broken and sorrow. God is with us, comforting us, hearing us every time we cry out to Him. He understands our pain. But just remember that it isn't a reflection of who you are. They rejected the most perfect man who ever lived. We must learn to see ourselves through God's eyes only. To Him, we are worthy and valuable and loved. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. So hold your head up high. Take a deep breathe. Trust in God's plans. Trust in His timing. Trust in His goodness. Trust in his love and compassion. Place your hope in Him. And keep going...your best days are surely ahead.

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore I will HOPE IN HIM!". The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him". Lamentations 3:20-25 NLT

"Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure " 1 Peter 1:6-7

"Jesus overheard and said "Don't be upset. Just trust me and everything will be alright" Luke 8:50-51

Every Bitter Thing Sweet

I have been sitting on my couch devouring a book that I stumbled across this morning called "Every Bitter Thing Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. I knew it was from God when it was also only $1.99 on Kindle!

So I started reading, and it wasn't long before the tears were falling down my face as I read MY thoughts on those pages. The very questions and doubts, the pain and heartache of my journey was mirrored in the author's. Her story is about being barren...my story is about being single and barren. Not because I can't physically have children, but because circumstantially I can't. Which trust me, hurts just as much. She shared her thoughts which seemed to echo mine...
My realisation that I often live expecting to be disappointed. That when blessing comes, its the rarity and will likely soon be replaced with disappointment again.
My belief that those who meet someone and get married and have babies are chosen by God, more loved, and more worthy than me.
My belief that I must be doing something wrong.
My fear that in the same way the US immigration officer all those years ago said "No" to my visa request and shattered my dream despite my faith and hope and perceived calling to NYC, that God was now the same voice of "No" in my life, shattering my dreams all the same.

But then, just as this lady journeyed with God, He also whispered and reminded me of His love and His truth. I know that those statements above are not the truth. They are the doubts and lies that the devil so often and so carefully whispers into my mind.
The devil wants me to believe that I am worthless and forgotten. But that is a LIE! The truth is that I AM called. I am loved. I am worthy. There is no one more loved that I.
The devil wants me to believe that God's plan depends on what I do right or wrong, instead of God's grace (His undeserved and unearned goodness and favour). That is a LIE.
The devil wants me to believe that God is withholding me from my dreams and desires. That is a LIE. Every good thing comes from God. He has a plan and purpose for my life. And his timing is perfect. THAT is the truth.

As it says in the book...Circumstances don't shape me. God did...ahead of time.
God prepares ME just as much as He prepares my future.

And then...the light came on. I finally understood. This season...it's all about relationship. My relationship with God. I am wanting a moment. A breakthrough. My husband to arrive. My new life to start. But when it does - will I just turn away, happy that I now have what I want? Distracted by the gift with no time for the gift giver?

This painful waiting season WAS the gift - the gift of time to develop my relationship with God. Time and pain and loneliness were all the key ingredients that pushed me deeper into Him, over and over and over again, that seeking Him has now become the new normal. I know for a fact I will never be the same again. I have been so focused on getting my husband - I haven't noticed what I have gained. An intimate, personal, true, deep, real and passionate relationship with God the Father. He slowed me down to pull me close. He said "no for now" to have me for himself. God is a jealous God and this was my season for us. He & I. I will never have this again. When my husband and babies come - it will never be like this again. Hours spent sitting on the couch, reading the book He wanted me to read. Journalling and pondering and time thinking about He and I...about Us. This moment right now is what its all been about. Not wasted. Not one tear or moment where my heart was exploding with pain was wasted, as it made me cling to Him like nothing every would. No one else in my life that I was able to cling to except God. He kept me alone to teach me to come to Him alone.

It's like my eyes have been opened and light fills the dark spaces of questions and doubts and confusion. This season wasn't wasted time. It was precious. It was purposeful and perfect. And for that God, I say THANK YOU.

A little bit of vulnerability from the heart...

Exodus 32:1 "When the people saw how long it was taking Moses to come back down the mountain…" they made a Plan B. They got tired. Impatient. Discouraged. Despite seeing the cloud on top of the mountain, they couldn't trust. They doubted. They panicked. And up went the golden calf. 

There are times when I am in this place of feeling like Moses is never coming back. The thing I am waiting for in my life will never happen. To give them credit, the Israelites had no certainty that he was. They didn't know for sure what God's plans were - He might have decided to take Moses to heaven with him! Yet the mistake the Israelites made was that they chose sin. They chose to go and worship something else. They not only gave up on Moses, but they gave up on God. 

In this season of my life…I see an empty horizon. I sit here waiting - unsure what "promises" I am meant to be clinging to. Unsure what God is doing or will do. Unsure if I should stop looking and waiting, and just suck it up and learn to be ok with life as it is. Not sin. Not walk away from God. But stop waiting. 

However... that feels like giving up. Giving up on God. And I don't want to do that either! But what's the right thing to do?

I have absolutely no guarantee that God will bring me a husband or that one day I will have children. None. But it's what I live waiting for. Not because I think they will fulfil me or complete me. Not because I feel like I am getting old. Not even because I feel like they will make my life better. But because I can't shake the feeling that when God shaped and created me, He gave me a mother's heart. That He put in me a calling to love my husband and family and raise a generation of kids who passionately love Jesus. More than running a church service, planning a conference, or even helping start a new church plant - and I do deeply love all those things - they feel like the sheep I am caring for before I step into what God truly created me to do. Like David and his father's sheep. Or Moses and his. Doing what they were meant to do for THAT season. But maybe knowing deep inside that they were called for more. 

So…how do you live when you know you are called for more? How do you go about giving all you have, when your heart can't shake the sadness of wanting more. When there is nothing you can do about it. And when there is no guarantee it will even happen. Am I supposed to live constantly, sometimes frantically, looking for my burning bush? Or my Goliath? What if its years away? How do I simply keep going to get through today? How do I face the empty horizon with no clear promise and a huge dream in my heart?

One: I know that I am not waiting alone. 
As I sit at the fully prepared table and wait, I know Jesus sits in the chair next to me. As I stare at the empty horizon, I feel His presence standing next to me. The bible promises that He won't ever leave me or forsake (abandon) me. He waits. He gives me comfort when I need it. A whisper of hope. Joy at a laughing baby. Patience and endurance when I am ready to give up. I may not know what I am waiting for or when it will come, but I don't wait alone. 

Two: I get to Trust God with my Heart. 
It says in the bible "Trust the Lord with all your heart". I used to think that meant that my trust should come from my heart and be complete, like when I tell someone that I love them with all my heart! Fully! Like I can't love them any more. But now I think it means that I should trust God with my heart. Because He lives in it. He doesn't need me to remind him of my dreams and desires. He pulls up a pillow and sleeps next to them. He hears my heart's cries. Brokenness. Joy. Overwhelming happiness. Expectations. He hears my dreams and desires as clearly as he hears my heart beat. I get to trust God with my heart by giving it to Him. Giving Him my dreams…fears…doubts…cares. Knowing He cares for them and about them.

Three: If I keep seeking God first, He will give me my heart's desires.
Surely as I continue to seek God's heart, He would have changed my desires if they weren't from him and weren't part of his plan for me. But they haven't. They have strengthened. And through them…using them…God has taken me on a faith journey. He has taught me how to wait. How to give him control. Trust. Hope. Obey. As much as I want my desire - waiting, trusting, hoping, obeying…shows that I am putting God's kingdom first in my life. And his word promises to bless that! 

Four: God speaks to me. 
His word promises that He does. Sometimes His voice get muddled in with my voice. Sometimes I might take it and run with it and mix in my own interpretations and timing and presumptions. And of course then get confused and discouraged. But He does speak to me. So I need to keep being still and listen. Listen to his voice in the waiting. And to be honest, just knowing that the devil so often makes me doubt by whispering (as he did to Eve) "Did God really say that?" makes me all the more confident He probably did! 

Five: God Never Fails. 
He never has before. In the craziness of storms, it can feel like it. But as I look back over my life there has never been a time that I can say "yeah wow, God never came through there". With jobs. Places to live. Flatmates. Finances. Boys. Family. His hand has so clearly been on my life. So why, with the very thing that my human heart holds dearest…the dream my heart cries for the most…why would I presume God would fail me now? Yeah sometimes when He answers it looks different to how I expected. But He doesn't fail. It's not possible. 

Six: God can do Anything. 
Miracle after miracle after miracle. From real stories in the bible to testimonies of people's current lives, miracles are real. God doesn't live in a box of our ability and reality. He can and does do whatever HE knows is best, whatever that takes. However I have to remember that He might not do for me what he did for someone else. I can't try to fit my life into their story. It doesn't work. Because He has written me my own story. And yes it's hard when we don't see how the next chapter starts. But we can trust the author who is writing our story. Like any good author, there will be twists. And unexpected turns. And things that take our breath away. Because NOTHING is impossible for God. And knowing His love and promises - it WILL be beyond my wildest dreams.

Seven. God does guide my path. 
But this doesn't mean He shines a bright spotlight over it. Sometimes it will be clear where to walk. Sometimes He will guide my gut, through feelings of peace or lack of. Sometimes I will stumble. Other times He asks me to close my eyes, listen for His quiet whisper, and take a step that makes no sense. Or is scary. Or uncertain. But if my heart, like a compass, simply keeps searching for Him - He won't let me get off track. There might be some occasional detours. But He will bring me back on track and keep taking me forward into all that He has planned. 

So…I might see an empty horizon. And feel like I have waited forever! I might be experiencing the uncertainty of Joshua's "perhaps" (1 Samuel 14.6) in knowing there are no guarantees. But yet I choose to trust God. Because that's what faith is! Trusting when I don't have all the answers. Blind trust that doesn't rely on sight, only seeing the blank canvas ahead. But I can trust that my story isn't yet finished…

Don't leave Him behind

"Jesus saw that in their enthusiasm, they were about to grab him and make him king, so he slipped off and went back up the mountain to be by himself.

16-21 In the evening his disciples went down to the sea, got in the boat, and headed back across the water to Capernaum. It had grown quite dark and Jesus had not yet returned. A huge wind blew up, churning the sea. They were maybe three or four miles out when they saw Jesus walking on the sea, quite near the boat. They were scared senseless, but he reassured them, “It’s me. It’s all right. Don’t be afraid.” So they took him on board. In no time they reached land—the exact spot they were headed to." John 6: 15-21 (msg)

Sometimes when I read the same bible story I have read a million times, I naturally start to skim over it. It seems so familiar that its easy not to take the time to notice details. Or think about it in a different way. But I am thankful for the times that it comes alive. That the Word jumps off the page and allows me to think about it in a new way. 

I have always read the story above and focused on the fact that Jesus walked on the water. I mean, no doubt about it…it's the most significant part of the story. But what I have often skimmed over is how the disciples got to where they were. The bible tells us that Jesus had gone off up the mountain to be by himself. Jesus often did that…He knew the importance of spending time alone with God. And then it talks about how the disciples later that evening headed back down to the sea, got in the boat and headed off. But…weren't they going to wait for Jesus? 

Have you ever been shopping with your friends, and maybe you are in a shop looking at some things…and next thing you know, you look around and your friends have wandered off! Maybe they got distracted but a sale nearby. Or saw someone they knew. But it's funny how easy that feeling comes of being left behind. The disciples just left Jesus behind. The verse talks about that Jesus slipped off, so I don't get the impression that they all made plans about what time they would meet and if they weren't there, how Jesus would get his own lift back. No….the disciples just got in the boat and left. What was it that made them do that?

I wonder if they had seen that the darkness was coming. It was getting late. Maybe they could sense a storm was close. Maybe they panicked a little and decided to take things into their own hands and just head off on their own. Kind  of what we do too, right? When things start to get a little crazy in life. Maybe a storm is brewing, so it's easy for us to panic and rush to take control of things. Run ahead and start to make plans without waiting for Jesus. 

But I love what happens. Right in the middle of the storm, when they were terrified and had probably realised that were WAY out of their depths, Jesus turns up and reassures them. He tells them that He is there. And that they shouldn't be afraid. He steps right into their circumstances…right into the boat…and helps them continue on their journey. And where do they end up? The exact spot that there were heading. I wonder what would have happened if they had waited for Jesus, whether they would have ended up at the same place anyways, perhaps having missed the storm. But either way…we are always going to end up in storms. Storms that force us to look out for Jesus. That force us to listen for His voice. Force us to invite him into our boat. And He too will guide us exactly where He wants us to be. So don't be afraid. He's here. 

He sees the ONE

John 6:6 "When Jesus looked out and saw that a large crowd had arrived, he said to Phillip "Where can we buy bread to feed these people?" He said this to stretch Phillip's faith. He already knew what he was going to do"

The story that follows is a famous story in the bible. A boy brings forward 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, which Jesus then uses to feed thousands of people. And of course have leftovers, because everybody loves leftovers, even Jesus. But I only realised today as I read this in my bible…that Jesus wanted to stretch Phillip's faith. Later in John 6 it says that "the people realised that God was at work among them in what Jesus had just done". Which is awesome…it probably lead to the salvation of most of that crowd! However, Jesus had seen Phillip. I have no idea what Phillip was going through. What was maybe playing on his heart and mind. But Jesus did. And for some reason, He wanted to do something that would stretch Phillip's faith.

We will all go through times where our faith is stretched. Sometimes its something simple or quick. Sometimes its something heartbreaking. Life threatening. A situation that just feels like it won't end and our faith is being stretched thin. No matter that we are going through…we have to remember that God already knows what He is going to do. Psalm 31:14-15 says "But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God! My future is in your hands". Trusting that God knows exactly what the future holds for us is hard. Really hard. It's more that our minds can often comprehend. But He does, because the bible cannot lie. God started writing out the story of our lives the minute the thought of us popped into his mind. He smiled, and started writing out the poem of our life. He knew it would contain pain. Sadness. Scary times. Joy. Laughter. He knows every detail about us, including what's going on on the inside. No matter what our circumstances look like, God cares about our character. Who we are becoming on the inside. And He will use whatever He needs to to use to shape us into WHO He wants us to be. Before He takes us to WHERE he wants to take us. And give us all He wants to give us. Sometimes He will stretch us. Stretch our faith. But let us use these times to grow. To push deeper into Him. To let go of some of the junk that we have started to carry. Maybe we need to in order to step into what God has planned ahead. Because He has, you know, planned ahead. Nothing is a surprise to him. He authored every day. Every step. And I bet He can't wait to see the smile on our faces as we step into it…

A New Day...

Well its been a VERY long time since I found my way here to my blog. So long that I don't even know if it's cool to call it a blog anymore (Yes I watched White House Down). Mostly because I have been walking a pretty tough journey and spending most of my time journalling and pushing into God privately. But something stirred inside me again to go back to writing. Mostly because I love it. But maybe also because HE has things He wants me to share. So…here we go…its a new day…

THE TRUST JOURNEY
I feel like I have spent the last 2 years of my life learning what trusting God looks like. I used to think I knew. When it involved smaller decisions. Or when I always got the answers I wanted. He took me to Africa and NYC and my faith was at an all time high. I would believe Him for something, and it happened. He gave me favour and blessing and open doors and opportunities that could ONLY be from Him. Faith seemed easy, although still scary. But it always worked out, right?

And then it didn't. The visa was denied. I didn't get to go back to where I wanted. Then later, I didn't get to date the boy I wanted. It seemed like my "faith" magic wand was gone. But that's when I started on the journey of REALLY understanding what trust is.

I was once asked the difference between faith, hope and trust. I thought they were the same thing. Just different words for the same concept. But recently I have learnt, in my personal opinion, they aren't. God took me on the journey of trust that involved waiting for Him. Which if you haven't been in that season…RUN. It's hard!!! Like, the hardest thing ever. Because I used to think I was waiting and trusting. Until I got impatient. And "helped God out". And then when it didn't work, I went back to Him in faith and waited til He fixed it. That counts, right? And then He took me on a real journey of making me wait. Like, really wait. NOT being impatient and doing what I felt needed to be done. NOT being in control, but handing it fully to him (which actually felt like I was tearing my flesh…no joke.) NOT doing what I wanted, but obeying Him. Simply…waiting. And I am still waiting, after 2 years.

First I just had faith. Which looking back now means, I knew in my head God could do what I needed Him to do. He could meet all my needs. Nothing was impossible. I knew what the scriptures said and I knew them to be true. But I couldn't figure out how I could have total faith…yet no hope. I was still filled with despair. Thats when I realised faith and hope weren't the same thing. Sometimes you can know in your head, but not believe in your heart. So then I went on the journey of learning to have hope. And its only when you let it all trickle down from your head and into your heart, and you start to believe, can you combine hope and faith to produce trust. The ultimate goal. Letting go. Giving Him FULL control. Because you KNOW He can do it. And you BELIEVE He will. Doesn't mean I still don't have days full of doubt. Or fear. Or wanting to just take back control and force circumstances in my favour. But I don't. I continue to chose to wait. Be patient. Give Him control. To obey when He asks me to wait. And trust Him. Hardest journey ever. But I know the rewards are coming...

Pull up a pillow...

So my 365 days are over. I have been to Africa and NYC and had my heart changed, stretched, ripped apart, put back together, and finally left where it belongs. In NYC. But for now...I am back in Sydney, waiting to hopefully go back to NYC. Its been 2 weeks since I arrived, but I can honestly say they have been the toughest 2 weeks of the journey. Judah Smith put it so beautifully in a message he preached at HC2010 - I no longer fit where I used to be, yet I am not yet where I am supposed to be. I am living "in the meantime". And I can tell you from experience...its one of the toughest places to live!

Judah's message was based on Mark 4: 35-41. This is the story of when Jesus and the disciples are heading in a boat to "the other side". A huge storm comes up, yet Jesus is asleep on a pillow at the back of the boat. The disciples freak out, and wake Jesus saying "Don't you care that we are sinking?" Jesus then calms the storm and asks them "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith".

I wept when I read this story in the context of Judah's message, as I realised its the story of my current journey. I am in a boat, journeying to "the other side" of my next season. And I was in a storm...a crazy, internal storm. I felt lost and like I was drowning in emotion. I am sure there was a part of my heart crying out "don't you care that I am sinking?!" Yet Jesus sleeps. He of course wakes to calm the storm of my life when I cry out to him; but then I wonder if He goes back to sleep. Because you see...Jesus is not worried about the storms of our life. They don't take Him by surprise. They don't scare him. They don't make him doubt his power or control. He sleeps because he knows no storm will stop him getting me to the other side of my journey.

It made me so grateful that Jesus is in my boat with me. He calms my storms. He is the captain who knows which way to steer the boat. And how long its going to take to get there. Hes not worried. He doesn't get panicked about my storms. He rests. And I think he invites me to rest with him. I think that's faith...not constantly looking at the waves, or trying to stare into the horizon to see the land ahead...but simply resting next to him. And trusting that the "meantime" season doesn't last forever. Soon I will arrive...and I should probably be rested in order to keep running in my journey once I get there...

Suddenly...

Sometimes life can be discouraging. When you look to the horizon of your future...you can see nothing. It doesn't feel like that promise is on its way. It doesn't feel like any doors are opening. It doesn't feel like your husband is on the horizon. It doesn't feel like anything in your life is about to change.

However...what I have remembered recently in my walk with God is that the bible...and our lives...are filled with "suddenly" moments. Just when you think nothing is happening..."suddenly you meet someone. Or suddenly you get a phone call. Or suddenly you find a perfect job vacancy".

We need to learn to not focus on the horizon of our future. Because we see such a small piece of the picture. We never see what God is doing behind the scenes, until suddenly something happens. We never see who is about to enter our lives. We never see what door God is about to open, what opportunity is about to be presented to us, or who we might cross paths with. That's why our focus needs to stay on God. We can trust Him. Trust his timing. His plan. His purpose.

God loves us. He wants to bless us. Pour joy and happiness into our lives. He wont make us wait longer than we need it, despite our impatience. He wont ever forget us. He wont leave us on the shelf. He wont let us miss out. He wont keep blessing everyone else except you. So don't get caught up in your circumstances. Don't get discouraged. Because just when you are ready to give up, "suddenly" might just happen...

Help, I'm sinking!!

So this week I found myself thinking about one of the most famous stories in the bible - the story where Peter steps out of the boat and walks on water with Jesus. At many times of my life, this story has impacted me. Mostly when there is something scary on the horizon and I feel myself challenged to step out of the boat and take a risk in faith.

But this time...my focus was further into the story. The story talks about Jesus calling Peter out of the boat, and Peter seemingly jumping out of the boat quickly, with little hesitation. Full of faith and confidence in Jesus, it appears. However once he is out on the water, he starts to look around him, panic, and begin to sink.
I feel like...that's the Peter I can relate to at the moment. I feel like 12-18 months ago Jesus called me to step out of my boat in faith. To pack up my life and move to America...and I feel like I accepted that quickly, without much hesitation, and full of faith. And, like Peter, that's when the miracles began. I can't start to explain the miracles of how I got here...how I am doing all that I am doing...least of all how I am STILL living on the small amount of savings I started with. But I am. I stepped out and God met me with His miracles.

But its now, right in the MIDDLE of Gods miracle, that I find myself suddenly looking around and starting to panic. I am not sure how Hes going to open doors for me to stay. Hows hes going to make a way, in His perfect timing, whilst still allow me to do what I came here to do, and still meet the desires of my heart...when life just seems so crazy to me. Its very easy to feel overwhelmed and start to sink.

Yet...just like with Peter...Jesus is still with me, and in the middle of the craziness...reaches out his hand to me. Its the age old reminder not to look at my circumstances, but simply to keep my eyes on Him. I feel like its one of those lessons that you can never learn enough! You feel like you nailed it...until you enter your next season of sinking. But thankfully...God is patient with His. Hes our lifeguard that never grows tired of helping us stay afloat.

So...right in the middle of my miracle...I choose to keep looking to Him. Choose to not look at how overwhelming and scary life may feel...but just look to Him. Remembering how he didn't let me sink when I first stepped out the boat. And How he wont let me sink now. His mercy, his grace, his strength, his plans, his purpose, his timing...its forever. And that's what keeps us afloat no matter what.

Lessons to live by....

So this week has been a crazy week...but here are the 3 God lessons I have been pondering on...

(1) When all you see in front of you is Red Sea...remember that God knows how He will get you to the other side. This week felt like a Red Sea week. All I could see was red tape, job and visa difficulties. I was hit with a spirit of discouragement, and it just felt too hard. But then I realised that the Israelites would have felt that too. They would have walked up to this HUGE Red Sea. They probably couldn't see to the other side. And I am sure they had no idea how on earth they were supposed to get to the other side. Its easy for us nowadays to think "oh yeah, God parted it and they walked through". But when you stop and think about it...I am not so sure I would have wanted to step in and give it a try. Even after it initially parted, I probably would still have wondered what would have happened if I had gotten halfway and the plan changed?! Sometimes we go through days/weeks/seasons when you can't see the other side - all you can see is the impossible situation. Right now, you might not know what miracle God will use to get you through the craziness and over to the other side. But He does. In Romans 4 it says "If you see that the job is too big for you, that its something only God can do, and you trust Him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you right with God, by God. Sheer gift" (v5: Message bible). God wants us to trust Him with the impossible. Because for Him...NOTHING is impossible. He can do all things, if we just have faith. Maybe the way it happens won't be as we expect it. Maybe the Israelites presumed God was going to bring a huge bridge, flown in by a ginormous helicopter. But God did something more than their minds could comprehend. Even bigger and better...to show How great and powerful He is. Sometimes God wants to use our impossible situations as a testimony of His greatness. So...don't give up. Don't get discouraged. Pray the prayer I now pray daily: "Lord, do the impossible in my life".

(2) When its God's plan...nothing you can do will stuff it up. So...this week I realised I made some pretty dumb decisions. I left somethings to the last minute that I should have done earlier. I said some dumb things to people without thinking. But..I am human. And humans do dumb things. Abraham did. He told a very powerful man that his wife was his sister! Not only once...but TWICE! And what about Aaron. Moses goes up on the mountain to talk to God, and what does Aaron do....He builds a golden cow to worship! Talk about dumb moves. But God had a plan and purpose for their lives bigger than they were. It again says in Romans 4 "If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we are given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story". The story of Abraham actually has nothing to do with Abraham. Its all about God simply using a common man, who makes dumb decisions sometimes, to do great things. God has a plan for me, and a plan for you. And yeah, sometimes we might stuff up. Sometimes we might delay things. Sometimes we take the long way to get there. But when it's Gods plan...it will prevail. God slowly brings you back on track and right back into his plan. Of course that doesn't mean we can throw wisdom out the window and do whatever we want...but it does mean that our lives are bigger than ourselves. So forgive yourself when you stuff up. Repent. Give it to God. And allow him to bring you back on the path to His plan for your life.

(3) Don't be like the Israelites and be quick to forget all the miracles God has done in your life. Oh, this is the big one I am having to focus on during my crazy faith season. On the days when I look at my circumstances, panic, throw my hands in the air and cry "why did you bring me here God"...I am quick to realise that that's what the Israelites did too. As humans, we are so quick to forget the amazing things God has done in our lives. 9 months ago God did HUGE miracles to open doors and allow me to start this crazy journey. And now that things are again entering into a scary season...I need to keep remembering those miracles. God is the same God as 9 months ago...and the same God as 2000 years ago. He parted the Red Sea. Healed people from impossible sickness. Brought Jesus and many others back to life. Supernatural, crazy, difficult to fathom miracles. And He can do that for us today. Don't be quick to panic and focus on our circumstances. Keep your focus upward. He has done great miracle before...He WILL do them again.

Faith that is seen...

For some reason growing up, I was always fascinated by the story of the paraplegic who couldn't get close enough to see Jesus (Luke 5). His friends have brought him for healing, and when they couldn't get close enough...they climb onto the roof, take off some tiles and lower him down! Genius! And then it says "When Jesus saw their faith, he said "friend, your sins are forgiven".


There are 2 things I find fascinating about this. Firstly...their faith was SEEN. Faith is not something that you just keep inside of you. Yes, that's where it starts and where it grows...but if you don't do anything with your faith, it isn't effective. Even the bible says that faith without works (action) is dead. So what am I doing to show my faith? Because at the moment, I am DEFINITELY living by faith. Visas, jobs, finances, calling, purpose, timing, God's plan...all desperately needing God's touch. And my FAITH! But do others see my life and see faith, or fear. Confidence in God, or myself. A willingness to step out and trust, or wait til I have all the answers. If Jesus looked at my life, would he see the faith just on the inside of my heart, or being lived out daily as a testimony of His goodness.

The second thing is that it wasn't just the faith of the paraplegic man in this story. It was the faith of his friends. Jesus didn't say HIS faith was seen...it was THEIR faith. Sometimes we just use all our faith on ourselves. Believing for what WE need. But how often are we letting our faith for others be seen? How often are we willing to get out of our comfort zone (maybe even climb on a roof) and do whats needed in faith for others? Maybe, like my amazing Ps Carl reminds us...its having the courage to ask someone to church, in faith. Maybe write the book that will impact others, in faith. Offer to pray for someone who isn't a Christian, in faith. Lets not only use our faith for selfish gain...lets allow our faith to be seen BOTH for believing God to move in our circumstances, but also for those around us.

Where we will find you?

We all know that troubles come. Unfortunately, even as Christians we face crises, troubles and scary seasons. God promises to protect us and be with us throughout them, but how do WE react during these times.

I was reading Luke 2:49  recently, where Jesus' parents lose him. Whoa...imagine telling God you literally lost his son?! Anyways...they finally locate him in the temple/church. And Jesus says "Why did you have to look for me? Didn't you know that I would be in my father's house"

It made me question where I go when maybe I feel lost or troubled. I mean, Jesus was a kid. I remember being a kid and not being able to find my mum in a shop, and the fear kicks in. Jesus was still just a kid that lost his parents. Yet...he went to the one place that He knew would always be his place of safety and protection. What do you do when you go through a crisis? Do you isolate yourself from family and friends? Stay in bed and hide under the covers? Stop going to church cause it feels too hard or you are mad at God?

Jesus was all alone in the desert when the devil attacked him with temptation (Matthew 4). And the devil will do the same for us. When you isolate yourself, you are leaving yourself open to the devil whispering lies, temptation, frustration and negativity into your mind. Jesus withstood it because, lets face it...He is God. But He doesn't want us to go through tough times alone. He tells us in Ecclesiastes 4 " You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone... if you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble"

So when trouble hits, keep going to church. Keep doing life with strong Christian friends who can encourage you. Keep pushing into God. Don't make it so that people have to come find you. Have it so that you too can say "Why did you have to look for me? Didn't you know that I would be in my father's house"

The donkey said what??!!

God can speak to us in so many different ways. Today I was reading about how God spoke through a donkey in Numbers 22. This really challenged me to be open about how I can hear from God. Some people expect only to hear from God with their ears, like a loud booming voice from the sky. Some people only think God speaks in whispers, so they need to isolate themselves to hear Him. Some people feel His peace. Some people hear Him through others. Some through the bible. And in the case of Balaam...God used a donkey.

Unfortunately for Balaam...he didnt realise what was happening. He didn't realise it was God. So everytime the donkey saw the angel of God and stopped, Balaam beat the donkey. But then the funniest thing happened. (I love the bible sometimes...it really cracks me up.) This is what it says... "Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth and she said to Balaam "What have I done to you to make you beat me 3 times?". Balaam answered the donkey "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now".

OK...lets just stop for a moment. Balaam tells the donkey that she made a fool of him. IMAGINE how much more of a fool he looks talking to a donkey!!! Anyways...the conversation with the donkey continues...
"The donkey said to Balaam "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?" And Balaam replies "No". Oh thats the hightlight for me!! Not only is Balaam talking to the donkey...the donkey puts him in his PLACE! Bam! Whats a hilarious sight this would have been. But then it says "Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes..."

I kind of get the feeling that up until that point Balaam didnt realise that God was involved in this interaction. I mean...really?! How often does your donkey just start talking to you?! I would have fallen off my donkey at the first word...but Balaam is so mad that he cant even see the situation for what it is. How many times have you been so focused on your situation. So filled with emotion or frustration or confusion that you cant sense God talking to you, right where you are at. Sometimes it might be a closed door that you are angry about. Sometimes someone might challenge you on something and you get offended. Sometimes...like in the famous story, you are sitting on the roof and God sends you a helicopter, but you are so busy looking out for God that you miss Him!

God speaks to us in so many ways. He does speak to us in all the ways I listed at the start. Through a voice, a whisper in our hearts, the bible, other people. Just be open (and use wisdom and discernment, of course) to how God wants to speak to you or reveal himself to you. You might be going through a season where you aren't hearing from God. And yes, those seasons do exist (I think I wrote a blog last year about that...) but sometimes its because you are expecting Him to speak to you only in a certain way. Maybe its the way He spoke to you last time. But sometimes God wants to mix it up a little...to make us keep trusting Him. If everything is how we expect it and we get safe and comfortable in that, our need for faith lessens. So maybe God wants to do it a little different this time. So...be open and ready to hear from God no matter how it may present itself. But let me give you a heads up...if a donkey starts speaking to you, don't bother arguing back!!

Stand in the Gap...

Moses must have been ONE patient man. I mean...seriously, those Israelites were complainers! Whinging, whining and grumbling all day long. I would hope that if I got to see the miracles they saw, and if I got to tangibly see God's clouds and presence like they did, I would live in awe and not complaining! Actually even God got angry at them. And Moses knew it. In Numbers 16:46 Moses tells Aaron to hurry up and make atonement for the people because "Wrath had come out from the Lord; the plague had started".

So rather than saying "OK God...go for it! These people are driving me crazy too!! Knock 'em out" what does Moses do? It says "He stood between the Living and the Dead" (Numbers 16:48). Wow. What a man of God. No wonder God chose him!!

But you know what...God is calling us to do the same with His people today. God needs us to stand in the gap between the people that know and are alive in Him, and those that aren't and are seemingly dead in this world. He needs us to fight for those that are dead inside, and don't know God. How easy it would be to just step aside and let "nature take its course". Spend all our days focused on ourselves and what WE need for God. But God needs us to stand up for those in need. Those who are hungry, lost, hurting...maybe even those who are just living with a sense of "numbness". Who have no sense of the awe and might of God.

I don't know what "standing" for them looks like for you. Maybe its giving a smile to someone. An encouraging word. Food. Shelter. Love. Maybe its writing a blog or a book or a card when God prompts you too, so others can sense His love and goodness. Whatever it means to you...just remember that there is power in standing in the gap. The whole of Israel could have been wiped out by God in one moment had Moses not had the compassion and boldness and willingness to stand between the dead and the living. Now its time to take our stand.

PS. I am not sure that God really would have taken out the whole of Israel. Its hard to know. God's wrath is pretty powerful. But He's also a loving and compassionate God. Maybe it was something that Moses had to sense in order to stir something inside of him. To trigger the response God needed him to have. Just food for thought...

My God, My God...does He forsake me?!

"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me". Most people who have read the bible, or even know anything about Jesus dying on the cross know that this is the last words He said. Jesus' famous last words. Up until recently I just assumed that Jesus was talking to God. That He has taken on the world's sins and was now separate from God, and He was crying out about this.

But you know...that doesn't sit right with me. How can we read in the bible that God is a forgiving God. That He promises to "never leave us, and never forsake us" if here he was, abandoning his own son at his greatest time of need.

But lucky, as a recent preacher taught me, that's not exactly the end of this story. As I learnt, back in the bible days, they didn't have the luxury of saying "hey, you know what it says in Psalm 22". They didn't have chapter and verse numbers. Often they used the first sentence of the chapter as a way of referencing for people to know what they were talking about. So if I said "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth", everyone would know I was talking about Genesis 1.

So what I didn't notice until this preacher pointed it out is that Psalm 22 is referenced in the bible as linking to where Jesus says these famous last words. And if you turn to Psalm 22, how do you think it starts? Yep..."My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me". Psalm 22 then goes on to to in a sense to prophesy about what Jesus would go through. That yes, maybe to Jesus God felt silent as He was taking on the consequences of the WHOLE world's sin. Yet that Jesus still trusted God. That He knew that people cry out to God and are saved. That they trust Him and are not disappointed. That although Jesus would be mocked and insulted...Jesus would still trust God, and that He knew God would rescue Him. That although they pierced his hands and feet, took all his clothes..."He had NOT hidden his face from him, but had listened to his cry for help" (verse 24). That because of this all of the world would rejoice, would remember and turn to the Lord. That future generations would be told of the Lord.

So no...Jesus wasn't crying out to God because God had forsaken and abandoned him. He was crying out to the people, to remind them of Psalm 22...and to remind them that God never leaves us, always hears out cry, and that Jesus knew was he was doing would set the world free.

To me...that makes the story have a MUCH more powerful ending. And it reminds me of God's promise never to forsaken or leave us. If He still heard Jesus' cry, who at that point had more sin on him than any of us ever can...how much more will He always hear our cry. God never leaves us. If you feel like God has moved away from you....stop and look around, and you will quickly realise that its you that moved. God is still listening to your cries. He never stops. He is just waiting for you to come back to Him.

It wasn't my idea...

In Numbers 16: 28 Moses says "This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea"...and then the earth splits open and swallows up a whole bunch of people, just like Moses said it would. This verse really reminded me that my life should be a reflection of God's miracles and testimony, and not of my striving or effort.

As I am on the journey of figuring out visas and where my life is about to go, I need this reminder. It would be so easy to run ahead and try to figure things out, and make them happen in my own strength. But I don't think that's how God wants it to happen. I think that...He wants my life, and your life, to be a testimony of His plans. Which can sometimes mean that things happen at the last minute. Well, last minute according to OUR timing and stress levels. But perfect according to his timing.

I am reminded how I wanted to tell one of the pastors back home that I was leaving to go to Africa and USA. I wanted to tell him because I respected him, and wanted that accountability and "release", in a sense. But I couldn't seem to get to tell him. I never saw him. None of my emails worked. It just seemed like it wasn't going to happen. And just when I made peace about that on the last night before I was leaving...God allowed me to walk through the same doorway as him at the same time. Perfect timing. Perfect opportunity. Some people might think it was just a "coincidence", but I don't believe in coincidences. Not when they happen ALL the time, in God's PERFECT timing, and PERFECT way. For me, that moment was a very clear revelation that what seemed like last minute was in fact God's perfect timing and planning. That He doesn't forget. And He is never late. And that what is important to me is also important to Him. A lot of revelation from one simple doorway conversation, hey? That's how I know it wasn't a coincidence.

So...again I now stay on the journey of trusting God with my visas. Trusting Him to show me how He wants everything to happen. And even when it feels late, it wont be. It will simply show that "the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea".

The Cloud

So in my one year bible I have been plodding along through Numbers. Not the most exciting of books, mind you...but today I was reading Numbers 9:15-23. In summary, it says "On the day of the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony was set up, and the cloud covered it...Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; whenever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped...When the cloud remained over the Tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the Lord's order and did not set out...Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month, or a year, the Israelites would remain in the camp and not set out; but once it lifted, they would set out".

This passage reminded me that there are seasons in our life where it feels like we are on the move...really moving forward and feeling change and direction in our lives. And yet there are other times where it feels like we are stuck and not going anywhere!

Both seasons bring their challenges. When you are moving, like it feels like I have been doing over the last 6-9 months, its fantastic. You feel growth and freshness and new beginnings in life. As the wind blows through your hair, you can feel the stale cobwebs fly away as new adventures or experiences enter your world. Whether its a new job, a new country or a new relationship...its exciting to feel like you are moving forward. But...change can also be scary. It can take a lot more trust when it feels like you are on the move, yet you have no idea whats around the next corner. It can be hard to not know when the adventure will stop. It can be challenging when many things change at once and you lose your sense of stability. Sometimes it can even be exhausting and you may feel like you just want to stop and process whats happened and sit still for a while.

And then before you know it, "the cloud" settles and you stop. And this season can also be challenging. Yes, there is consistency and predictability which can be comforting. And if you are enjoying your life, it can be nice to have things pleasant and the same for a while. But then...its also hard when you feel like you want to move forward but you cant. When your impatience starts and you feel like blowing the cloud to get it moving. When it feels like you have camped so long that you wonder if maybe the cloud got stuck up there!

But God knows the importance of seasons. Sometimes, He wants us to keep moving, even when we are tired. He wants us to enjoy the new experiences and opportunities He is bringing us. But sometimes He calls us just to stop and wait. Maybe its to give us rest. Maybe its for protection because we don't know whats ahead and we aren't yet ready. Maybe its to teach us patience. But whatever the season....it will change soon. No season lasts forever. So don't fight it. Stay obedient, and don't be tempted to sit when the cloud is moving, or sneak out from under it and run whilst its settled. Just be patient and wait for Gods guidance and timing.

A whisper of Grace

So...twice this week I found myself negotiating with God. Trying to convince God why He needed to bless me and give me what I want. Being a single girl...who has given up my whole life to follow God and build His House, I of course told him that therefore He needed to find me a husband. Like...now. Because I am sick of waiting, and I feel like I deserve that. And then also this week I really injured my shoulder. Mostly from sitting on my computer all day doing church stuff, and carrying heavy things all over the city for church, and carrying all my stress in my shoulders...so I told God that He needed to heal me, because essentially it was His fault that my shoulder hurt. Yep...I went there. Talk about arrogant...self centred...prideful...and overall stupidity.

But God...in his amazing love and grace didn't kick me in the butt. Instead He whispered into my heart "No...I will give you a husband and heal you because I love you. So stop serving me and building my house and go home, if that's the only reason you are doing it. Because I will give you all those things anyways. Just because I love you"

Oh man...the tears are flowing again as I still feel his grace resonate in my heart. Not because I deserve it. Not because I have earned it. Not because I am this "great and sacrificial person" (insert sarcasm) who gave up my life for God. But because He gave up everything for me.

I was so humbled and overwhelmed by God's love and grace. It reminded me of my favourite definition of grace..."Undeserved blessing". I don't deserve what God pours into my life. The amount of times I stuff up...I will always be in the minuses, if God kept score. But He doesn't. He gives to us from HIS love, and not as a reflection of what we do.

And of course when I put my own selfishness and ego aside...I remembered why I am doing what I am doing. Why I gave up my life in Australia to travel to Uganda and now USA to build his house. Because I am so desperately in love with God. That I want to give him everything. Because He has already given me everything.

He has given me a love that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me forgiveness when I didn't deserve it. He gave me His patience when I was selfish and stubborn. He gave me undeserved blessing and favour. He gave me an eternity of life with God. He gave me freedom...from striving and bondage and my past. He has given me peace, when life seems crazy. And joy, when my heart hurts. He has given me air to breathe, and friends, and family, and safety. He has given me EVERYTHING. Not because of anything that I have done...not because I have earned it or deserve it. But because He sees me. In a city of millions and millions of people...He sees me. And knows me. And loves me. And believes in me. And just like all the "great" people in the bible (like Aaron...who built the golden calf himself, yet God still chose him to be the main priest) who made mistakes, or doubted, or were afraid, or didn't know what to do...I know that none of that takes away from the amazing plan and purpose that God has for my life. And yeah, I will stuff up occasionally....but His plan is bigger than that. His love and grace and forgiveness keeps me on track.

So...I know God will bring the most amazing husband into my life. And heal me. And pour into my life whatever blessings He chooses to. Because He is good. And loves me. Unconditionally.

So I just need to keep giving it all to him. I need to stop trying to figure it out on my own. I need to stop focusing on finding a husband or getting this or that - because although I am not thinking about something all the time, that doesn't mean God doesn't still see it. He still knows the desires of my heart. Even when my mind is quiet, my heart talks directly to God. But I need to keep looking to Him. Keep trusting that He's working behind the scenes, even when I cant see it or feel it. I need to trust that He will open the right door, keep writing the poem of my life, bring the right people into my life...in His perfect timing and way. My striving or obsessing about things doesn't help, and really just gets in the way and stops me doing what I am here to do. What He wants me to do. I need to rest in God. Wait on Him. Not try to bargain or make demands of Him. Trust Him. With everything. Because that's what He's already given me...

Poor old Pharaoh....

I often wondered why, in Exodus 4-15, God kept hardening Pharaoh's heart. I always felt a little sorry for him...thinking "he never stood a chance!!". But after reading it over the last few days, I have come to realise...as always...that there is more to this story.

The Israelites had been in Egypt for 430 years. Many generations had passed since the days of Joseph, and possibly even the stories of him weren't being passed on any more. Even the new Pharaoh didn't know about Joseph. On both sides, I suspect that there was little respect for or fear of God. I am sure the Israelites were discouraged, feeling purposeless and empty. So I suspect God wanted to do something big...

Moses repeatedly went to Pharaoh and asked him to release the people...but when God hardened his heart, God brought curses and suffering on the Egyptians. However...the Israelites were always spared. Now...lets think about how this would look through the eyes of everyone..

Firstly...through the Israelites' eyes. Here was UNDENIABLE evidence that there was a God who cared about them. Probably answering the doubts of many of their hearts. It says in Exodus that when Moses first told the people of God's plan "they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and cruel bondage". For 430 years they had been slaves, and recently, been treated worse than ever before. They probably had lost faith in God...wondered what the point was. Yet...now they were seeing God show up. They would have started to realise that God HAD been hearing their prayers. Realise that He did care about them! I mean, it would have been amazing just seeing the destruction that Moses could cause with God's power, but tangibly seeing God's protection and blessing in the face of such destruction...that would have brought awe amongst the people. Possibly allowed their hearts to soften also, and their faith and prayers to increase. If it was one miracle, it would have been cool. Two...yeah, pretty amazing. But watching miracle after miracle...this was evidence of God's MIGHTY hand. It would have been such a turning point for the Israelites, to get them ready for the journey they were about to go on with God.


Secondly, Pharaoh's magicians and officials. Initially...they probably weren't that impressed.  They could make their sticks turn into snakes too. Turn the Nile into blood...no worries. Frogs...easy! But by the fourth miracle, it says "when the magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, they could not...The magicians said to Pharaoh 'This is the finger of God". So...imagine for one second if God hadn't hardened Pharaoh's heart, and stopped at one or 2 miracles. Then the eyes of the magicians would not have been opened. In the end...they were all begging Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. They were fully aware of the power of God, and they were afraid. And although the bible doesn't talk about it, it makes me wonder what God did in some of their hearts...

Thirdly, the Egyptian people. They had been living the good life. They had had these great servants for 430 years, who I am sure worked pretty hard. They were recently given permission to work them even harder! Life was good. Maybe they were vaguely aware of God, maybe not. But....oh, they were about to become very aware. Like the Israelites, they were witnesses to God's miracles time and time again. However, unfortunately, they were on the other side of the miracles. They would have seen how God protected those He loves. And in the end, they urged the Israelites to hurry and leave. Because of what they had seen, they were in no doubt of God's power and presence. And again...I wonder how God used this to speak to the hearts of some of the Egyptians...

And finally...poor old Pharaoh. I know, I shouldn't be such a softy, but I am. He kept wanting to let the people go, but then God would harden his heart and he would change his mind. Such an important player in this story. I guess though...God may have been hardening his heart towards the Israelites, but was this because Pharaoh kept his heart hardened to God? Throughout all of this, I don't get the impression that Pharaoh really changed in his respect or awe of God. Its sad really...and I guess it shows the danger of pride and arrogance in someone's life.

So...I think from all this, I was again reminded that God works behind the scenes in ways we don't realise. God needed this to be big. I mean...HUGE. God wanted to remind the Israelites of His love, His power, His protection and blessing, in a way that allow them to return to trusting Him, and in a way that would be remembered and passed on for many generations to come. But I like to think that maybe God also had the hearts of the Egyptian officials and people in mind. I don't know what happened to them. The bible doesn't talk about some great Egyptian revival. And it was back in the days where God was seen as quite exclusive - certainly not for everyone. But, as we know today, that's not the heart of God. God IS for everyone. He loves us all and wants everyone to have the opportunity to get into relationship with Him. So...who knows, maybe more happened in people's hearts back then than we will ever know.



Don't be like the Israelites. They saw these amazing miracles....witnessed something we cant even comprehend...and a few days into the desert, they were grumbling and complaining again. And God kept testing them, because He knew the condition of their hearts. He knew that they still didn't yet trust Him. Weren't ready to let go of their independence and fully depend on Him. They tried to collect more Manna than God told them too. Tried to go out on the Sabbath despite God telling them there would be nothing there as he wanted them to rest. He wanted to supply all their needs, and give them rest...but they couldn't let go. Couldn't fully trust Him, despite what they had just witnessed. But thankfully...God is patient and keeps working with His, slowly shaping our hearts in the process.

The God of Moses is the same God we have today. The God of the impossible. The God of miracles. The God who, if you love and trust Him, will protect you, provide for you and bless you. But we have a role too. We have to stop the hardening of our hearts. We have to stop the grumbling and complaining, including when we don't get our own way or when things don't arrive as quickly as we want them. We might be "starving or thirsty" like the Israelites were, but we have to learn to trust that God will never leave us or forsake us. He wont set us free and then abandon us to fend for ourselves. He wants to get us to a place where we fully dependant on Him. Where we stop striving to keep our independence. Where we realise that there is no greater sense of freedom than handing everything over to God, and trusting Him. Sometimes, we may not realise what Hes doing, as He might be behind the scenes...but trust Him. Trust that there is more going on than you realise. Trust that He sees the bigger picture. And...allow yourself to rest in that trust...

New York City...the beginning...

Well I have finally arrived in the Big Apple...New York City. And when people say it moves fast here, they aren't kidding! After 2 weeks here, it already feels like I have been here forever. But here I am...ready to step into my next God adventure.

Before I arrived, a friend warned me that moving to NYC could be tough. Initially staying on different people's floors. Potentially lonely. Many possible nights filled with tears. So it is with that in mind, that as I reflect on my first 2 weeks here, that I am AMAZED at God's hand on this season.


I arrived in NYC...just. The concept of packing light has never been a strong point for me, and I proved this again as I got on the train in Virginia with 4 bags. The rule for the train was essentially that "you could bring them if you could carry them". Well...I was certainly going to give it a good go. But as the train was approaching Penn Station in NYC...I realised that I may have over-estimated myself. I managed to get 3 under control, but trying to balance them and access my other suitcase in the storage compartment proved to be a challenge. As the other passengers pushed past me to get off the train, with images of the train doors closing and me being still ON the train clearly in my mind...I started praying! And then, the last lady got off the train...looked back and asked "Do you need any help??" Oh thank goodness!! So my knight-ess in shining armour helped me get my last bag off the train, and then helped me carry them upstairs and into New York. I was then rescued again by my lovely friend Susanna, who I had only just met recently in Uganda....and after a quick dinner, we (all my bags included!!!) were picked up by the family she nannies for and taken home in their beautiful luxury car. I had arrived!!

Since then...I have been blessed to be able to stay with this lovely family while finding my feet in NYC. Most of my days have been spent helping look after the 4 year old boy and two 2 year old twin girls. Talk about cute!! In the meantime...God was bringing another angel into my NYC world! My friend (and soon to be flatmate) Janelle and her boyfriend Ian arrived in NYC a few days after me, and I have never met such efficient people!!! Less than a week after they arrived...they had both found apartments (including where I was going to live), and started to arrange all the furniture and things needed, including a bed for me!! Holy Smoke! I couldn't have asked for anything better. Such a God blessing. Here I was, moving to this huge, crazy city, worried about where I would stay initially, and then live long term, and how I would arrange it all...and God blessed me with such amazing people who made the whole process a breeze!!

And then....after a week here, I finally got to go to Hillsong church NYC!! After not getting to attend a Hillsong church since September last year, I was so excited to be "back home". But nervous. About whether it would feel the same as Sydney. Whether it would feel like family. Whether I would make any friends, or would everyone be these 5th Ave supermodels that I couldnt relate too. But after a few emails before the day, I arrived at church on Sunday...and stepped into my new home. I loved it. Everyone was SO welcoming. The leadership there have already entrusted me to join the key team and help build the church, and that night everyone was so friendly and warm, helping me somehow find my feet and keep running all at the same time. As I stood there, I was reminded of the feeling that I had at conference in July. The awareness of my potential with God...and a deep desire to step up and be all He has called me to be. Like Esther...to allow everything I have learnt and done so far to be used for "such a time as this". Yes...its scary. But as I stood in worship and sang "Because You're with me...I will not fear", I found my trust and faith growing again. Which seems impossible, as it has grown so much already since this journey began. But...more than ever before, I am aware of my dependence on God.
I cant make my savings last...but with His help and miracles, I do not fear. I have been blessed by Emad and his family, found some amazingly cheap bargains, and had a God miracle on the rent for our apartment.
I cant build the events team at church without God. But already I feel his wisdom and ideas guiding me, plus the help of some amazing friends back home.
I still dont know where this season will lead...or how long it will last...but for the first time ever, I can feel God so tangibly, that its impossible to fear. He is opening doors, making a way, guiding me and blessing me. Its the biggest stretch season of my life....with lots of challenges ahead, but my faith is growing at an even faster rate.

I am reminded of where it talks in the bible about seeking God's kingdom first, and how He will then add everything you need to your life. If ever that felt like a nice little notion, those days have gone. Now it feels like a reality. How can God not bless those who seek after Him with everything? And of course that doesn't have to look like my journey. It can be equally as real to those working hard in standard jobs, or raising kids at home. Seeking after Him is...about having a deep passionate desire in your heart. For God. For His People. For His House. Its about letting go of all the "things" that we cling to, that we think are going to make us feel safe and happy. But they don't. He will supply all of our needs, if we simply let go and trust Him. And that is the scary, but exhilarating journey I am on. If someone would have said to me a few years ago that I would be living in NYC, having given up work to volunteer and build His house, live on savings... I would have laughed. The stress of figuring out how that would even be possible would have done my head in. But now...I am loving NOT having all the answers. Not knowing exactly where the doors will take me. Not knowing how it will all happen. But having an unshakable faith in the One who does.

I don't know if my story will ever encourage anyone else. I certainly don't recommend doing such a crazy journey unless you knew it was from God. But I do know...that one day, as I may find myself sitting back in a normal job, in whatever town or city I will be living in....I wont be the same. My faith will never shrink back to thinking I have to have all the answers. That I have to strive and fight to hear from God and try to figure it all out on my own. I have learnt to listen for his voice. To seek his peace. To be willing to stop and wait if I don't hear it. And to step away from the crowd...and be the brave one who steps out of the boat. Yes, I will go through times where I look at my circumstances, start to panic and sink a little. But this journey has shown me, tangibly, the goodness and faithfulness of God. So I know I wont sink far. I will lift my head again. Look to Him. Remember how nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing. Remember how He filled my life with miracles and blessing and joy and peace and freedom, at the time that I gave up my life for Him. And remember that if we seek after Him...desperately and passionately desire a deeper relationship with him...then He will never let us down.

So...what does NYC hold for me now?? Guess we all have to wait and see...